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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dp tricked me?

119 replies

UTalkinToMe · 02/07/2019 09:49

I feel awful writing this but just need people's views on it.

When I met dp he didn't tell me he suffered with poor mental health. We went on to have a child and 2 years later he became seriously mentally ill. he then told me he's had this since 17 but had it under control.

Life with him is so difficult. I don't understand his illness and it scares me. He's got a lot worse the past few years and his illness makes him come across very selfish. Ds seems like a burden to him. But he loves him dearly and refuses to admit he struggles with him.

He doesn't want me to get any support for myself as he's worried it will look like we can't cope.

Would you be upset if you dp kept this from you until after you had dc?

OP posts:

ComeAndDance · 02/07/2019 11:19

@SweetPetrichor why does it stigmatise people with MH??

MH issues are an illness ike any other. Telling your lifelong partenr is a minimum, the same way you would tell them about any physical illness that could have an effect on the family.
eg, i have ME. even if I was recovered and living my life like another person, it would be essential to tell y partenr befir ehavng kids. because i could relapse. because i migth not have the stamna to look afetr a baby even if i can live a normal life etc....
As long as there is potential to have an effect on the family long term, this is something that needs to be discussed.

Hidding MH problems is only perpetuationg te cycle, making them a shame that you might not want to disclose.

Brefugee · 02/07/2019 11:21

He should have told you. Can i infer from your post, OP, that you didn't know until after having children?
I would be bloody furious. More than furious if there is any chance that this MH issue is hereditary.

Only you can decide if you want to stay, but you don't have to pay any attention to him forbidding you to get help for you. You absolutely must do what you think is right for you and your children and I think getting in outside help and advice is the start of that.

Butterflyone1 · 02/07/2019 11:21

Mental health is just as real as a physical problem. If your DH had cancer, would you leave him due to the illness?

Men find it more difficult to open up about MH issues than women. Would you have dumped him if he had opened up about it?

If he is taking medication then he is trying to get on top of things. MH has no quick fixes. It requires love, support and understanding.

Whilst I appreciate you like stability, I think you need to seek some support for yourself but also try and be there for your DP.

LagunaBubbles · 02/07/2019 11:21

What is his illness? It might help you feel less scared if you knew more about it. But poor mental health is not an excuse for bad behaviour either. Sometimes it can be hard to see what is down to illness and what is down to personality.

Ilovemylabrador · 02/07/2019 11:22

It’s deception and marrying under false promises. I’d consider leaving and getting the support you need for you and your DS without his control.

ComeAndDance · 02/07/2019 11:22

And you have to acknowledge that having MH issues, just like anyother phusical illness, IS havng an impact on the partner.
Im not advocating for the person to leave, unless you are also advocating everyne to leve their parter as soon as they are ill. But refusing to accept that it is bloody hard work on the other side, doesnt help either....

Brefugee · 02/07/2019 11:23

also just saw this in pp Would you expect him to have disclosed to you if he had a physical ailment?

Yes I would. Especially if it was something that would require some kind of care from me in the future. I get that some things happen that are unexpected (PND, stroke, accident) and in that case the "in sickness and in health" kicks in - but a prior condition? Nope. If they don't tell you, you can't make an informed choice about whether to marry them or not.

LillithsFamiliar · 02/07/2019 11:32

I think you do need support. Not least to try to tease out what is related to his MH diagnosis and what is simply bad behaviour. He didn't tell you. He's trying to cut you off from support and you're frightened of the atmosphere you walk into. Yy that could all be related to his diagnosis but he could also just be volatile and controlling.
My DF suffered with his MN. He was also abusive. Our childhood was very difficult because of him.
You need as much information as possible so you can make decisions for yourself and your DC.

SweetPetrichor · 02/07/2019 11:38

I'm certainly glad none of you are my partner...I didn't realise the aim was to shop for the healthiest specimen. I honestly can't believe you want to play 'insurance exclusions' with the in sickness and in health approach.

amicableAs · 02/07/2019 11:42

I have to admit I did this. Hid various mh issues and asd from my dh. Took years for it all to come out and I did feel guilty. He says it wouldn’t have necessarily put him off but I think he would rather have known

Whatisthisfuckery · 02/07/2019 11:59

OP I’m sorry this is happening to you. He really should have told you when things became serious between the two of you.

I have a MH condition. I can be fine for years, then all of a sudden I have an episode and can become very unwell indeed, sectioned level unwell. If I met someone and it looked like a relationship was going to happen then I would always tell them, because despite the fact that I might have been fine for ages, I know very well that it’s likely that one day it’ll happen again. Quite apart from the fact that it’s deception not to tell someone, I’d want any potential partner to know the signs to look out for that I’m getting ill again, so hopefully I can get help before I land up in hospital.It would be irresponsible of me not to tell them, and a god awful shock when I’m doing stupid risky things and spending money I don’t have, talking to voices nobody else can hear or staring into the middle distance saying I want to die.

Unfortunately you are now in this situation and you need to get yourself through it. If you need help then you must find it. Your DP must seek help and treatment for himself, because if he doesn’t then chances are things will get worse. I’m fully aware that MH services are beyond shite, and that is enough to put me off, but if it’s a choice for me between crappy inconsistent MH support and full psychotic meltdown and a holiday on the psychiatric ward, I know from bitter experience which I would choose. Your DP needs to take responsibility for his own MH, otherwise it will blight his, and your life far more than it needs to. If it’s antidepressants he’s on, they might make him feel worse for a few weeks, but then they’ll start doing their thing and hopefully he’ll improve enough to start making positive steps towards recovery.

MoreProseccoNow · 02/07/2019 12:08

I've had this, unfortunately.

My DP didn't tell me about his recurrent depression, which he'd never seen a Dr for, or had any treatment, until after I'd moved in with him. This was about 3-4 years in to the relationship & we were struggling as a couple, because of his mental health. I'd moved away from my support network, in good faith, to start a new life with him.

I chose to stay once I found out, as I loved him very much, but my life has been hellish the last few years - think long-term sick absence resulting in financial difficulties, losing jobs, opting out of family life as cannot cope with demands of young DC. It has made my life so difficult.

I would never have moved away from my support network if I'd known. I have given serious thought to leaving, seen lawyer etc. I have to prioritise my family & health first. I cannot face another episode of depression with him & have told him this, knowing there will undoubtedly be another. We are mid-40's & still have to face death of parents etc. I feel massively resentful as he was not honest with me - isn't that the cornerstone of relationships?

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 02/07/2019 13:10

He doesn't want me to get any support for myself as he's worried it will look like we can't cope.

He can't say this! He has no say over what you do to get help with your mh issues - which he's helped to cause. I'd be furious with him. Completely not on to keep such a big secret from you.

summeryet · 02/07/2019 13:41

Mental health nurse here... consider the impact on your child of living in a difficult environment.

You deserve support, and there is no judgement for getting it. Try Rethink.. they have a website and operate all over the shop. If your DP objects find out why. But help is there for a reason. GPs can also be of great assistance.

I'll probably get flamed for this, but 'mental health' is often used as an excuse for poor behaviour. If this is the case, do not tolerate it. You can be ill and behave badly because of it, (fine) or you can have a diagnosis and ALSO just be an arsehole. They're totally different things. Your DP has a responsibility to them self, you and your baby to seek help.

Feel free to PM me if I can be of help x

NameChangeNugget · 02/07/2019 13:43

Total dealbreaker for me.

What a complete wanker for not telling you

BlueSkiesLies · 02/07/2019 13:46

Yes. Fuck yes. I would consider that this invalidates the marriage contract.

Original poster

UTalkinToMe · 02/07/2019 14:36

Thank you for all your replies. I haven't read them all yet.

To clarify a few things

we aren't married.

Dp only began taking medication after the serious episode he had when ds was 2.

He has PTSD, schizophrenia and OCD.

OP posts:

BlueSkiesLies · 02/07/2019 14:38

I'm certainly glad none of you are my partner...I didn't realise the aim was to shop for the healthiest specimen

Well, that is literally what evolution is about... so yeah...

Original poster

UTalkinToMe · 02/07/2019 14:42

And why it scares me is I witnessed how he can change from a functioning adult one minute to someone who was convinced he's being spied on and minutes from death, all within a few hours.

Since being on medication he has also been violent when unwell.

He has changed so much.

OP posts:

ComeAndDance · 02/07/2019 15:20

Since being on medication he has also been violent when unwell

Ok thats very serious.
His change in behaviour might be due to his illnes or to the medication. But you certainly need to et support for yourself and let HCP involved in his care about that.

In any case, you do need to sk yourelf if you want to live in a reltionhsip and home where violence is the norm. Regardless of the reason for said violence.
Schizophrenia isnt going to go away. A good friend of mine has similar issues incl hallucinations etc... She is a lovely lady and I like her very much. As a friend, I will do my best to support her. I woud never consider living with someone like her. It would be too much to cope with on a daily basis.

And YY about the fact he should have told you something like this. But seeing his reluctance for you to get help, I suspect he is feeling ashamed and guilty so would prefer the 'head in the sand' approach, trying his best to ignore the issue completely than takling the issue head on. Which isnt a good sign for his own recovery

ComeAndDance · 02/07/2019 15:22

Maybe contact @summeryet too. She will have information and advice that most people (incl me) cannot give you.

Piffle11 · 02/07/2019 15:32

I had an ex like this. He was jealous, controlling, paranoid … he blamed it on me but I later found out from his DM that he had always had jealousy issues (she told me she did, too) and bits and bobs he let slip over the years made me realise that he'd been like this with other GFs too. The problem I would have is that his behaviour will affect your DC: whether he is actively showing that he can't be bothered with them, or doesn't really want them around - it's not a healthy environment for a child, is it? The bit about not getting help resonates too: my ex would refuse certain treatments in case 'anyone found out' - he was paranoid about the thought of people talking about him. We would travel miles to see private practitioners rather than local ones - in one instance he refused to be referred to the local Mind office, in case someone happened to see him walking in or out. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about the issues we had - including friends and family. It became very isolating and I ended up with depression too. I used to defend him to myself every day: 'it's not his fault', 'he's lovely when he's feeling ok', 'oh but we've been together for years now, why throw that away', 'he says he needs me', etc. And he would say 'if you really loved me you'd understand/do as I ask/stop judging', etc. You need to put yourself and your DC first: you can't cure him, and you can't help him if he's not prepared to help himself and let you get any support you need.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 02/07/2019 15:36

Get help from everyone and everywhere

Piffle11 · 02/07/2019 15:39

Your update is worrying: he has been violent. I think this changes everything. Being loving and supporting to someone who has depression is one thing: staying in a potentially violent situation out of duty is quite another. You really need to address this now: paranoia and violence are not a good mix. PLEASE seek help and advice: if not for yourself, for your DC.

Bluerussian · 02/07/2019 15:40

You can't put up with violence, UTalkingtome. I've just read about that. He could hurt you or your child so take no risks, please, find a safe place. I am, however, unsurprised that this has happened after being back on his medication. Lots of meds have a negative effect on personalities (I know this from experience), so he needs to get advice pronto. If he telephones the mental health services who have prescribed his current medication they will fit him in with an appointment; if it's your GP, they too will see him quickly.

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