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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think dp tricked me?

119 replies

UTalkinToMe · 02/07/2019 09:49

I feel awful writing this but just need people's views on it.

When I met dp he didn't tell me he suffered with poor mental health. We went on to have a child and 2 years later he became seriously mentally ill. he then told me he's had this since 17 but had it under control.

Life with him is so difficult. I don't understand his illness and it scares me. He's got a lot worse the past few years and his illness makes him come across very selfish. Ds seems like a burden to him. But he loves him dearly and refuses to admit he struggles with him.

He doesn't want me to get any support for myself as he's worried it will look like we can't cope.

Would you be upset if you dp kept this from you until after you had dc?

OP posts:
Anarchyshake · 02/07/2019 15:47

As a sufferer of very poor mental health and trauma in my life which affects me 24/7, I was advised by women's aid and other support not to disclose all of my issues to people/guys, specially not up front. Because it can open you up as a vulnerable person to the wrong kind of people.

But I haven't adhered to this and am up front with people where possible. I'm a shit liar anyway, but I don't think that sort of thing should be hidden. Not when entering a relationship and not when trying to make new friends. Exactly because what's happened to you can happen and it's very difficult to deal with.

Can you look at everything he does and says without excusing any of it as mental health or whatever, and talk it through with someone - I've no doubt he has MH issues but it's important to know if he's using it to cover up being a dick too, or if the MH is making him behave like a dick. There's a difference and neither are OK but the latter description would be easier to work forward from.

disneyspendingmoney · 02/07/2019 15:48

Schizophrenia is a serious illness, my stepfather had paranoid schizophrenia and would self medicate with alcohol. He would take his medication intermittently.

FlowerTink · 02/07/2019 16:16

My DH has schizoaffective disorder. We have a DD then he was diagnosed a few years after. I know people are saying you wouldn't leave someone if it was a physical illness so why should MH be different, but actually living with someone with a serious mh condition is difficult and challenging and sometimes puts you or your DC at risk. We've been through DH being sectioned, having delusions and I can honestly say at times it is terrifying. Honestly I truly understand why people walk away and as I say having a DH with a similar condition there is no shame in seriously considering whether you want to commit to this relationship as it's a tough road.

You do need support though. Ring his MH team if he has one and be honest where hes at with stability and symptoms. If not ring a dr because if hes very unwell they will get him seen and assessed, if he is left he could be a danger to himself, you or DC. Please contact someone. If you are worried and hes getting dangerous or his symptoms are very bad and delusional call 999. The police can visit and use an order to take him for an assessment.

ComeAndDance · 02/07/2019 16:17

@Anarchyshake is that not for people or friends youve just met up rather than for partners, esp one you are planning to a child with?
I get the idea of protecting yourself. But surely you shouldn’t need to protect yourself from your own partner?

Spiceupyourlife · 02/07/2019 16:18

OP you have to separate the ‘I’m mad that he’s mentally ill’ from the ‘I’m mad that he withheld the knowledge of his mental illness and therefore my ability to make an informed choice’ - you shouldn’t feel guilty at all.

I think the ‘issue’ here is whether his MH has been triggered by having children or not and if so what you deem ‘appropriate support’.

Personally I think the modern MH has become such a PC issue that people often feel trapped into supporting partners through it, to their own detriment. This is having a negative impact on you abc your life and that isn’t secondary or insignificant just because he’s got ‘MH issues’ I often read threads and think 🤔 ‘if you don’t leave then YOU’LL have serious MH issues soon.’

The reason I raise the ‘was it triggered by having kids’ thing is I guess if he really was ok and had recovered but then having children lead to a relapse, how understanding/ supportive would you expect him to be if the roles were reversed.

I see so many threads on here from women who are struggling with MH post kids and DP’s who are anything other than 100% supportive are written off as assholes.

FlowerTink · 02/07/2019 16:19

I want to just reiterate that you are under no obligation to stay especially if you or DC are in danger or frightened

Anarchyshake · 02/07/2019 16:23

@ComeAndDance yes, but when I queried keeping certain information from new partners, it seemed I was meant to hold a lot in. I would be super cross if I got to, say, six months into a relationship and discovered something very significant. It's hard not to be really invested with someone by then. And sometimes perpetrators are good at working out someone is vulnerable without an early disclosure as well, so for me I prefer to be up front but I'm super funny these days about who I associate with full stop, to make sure I'm safer.

With my level of MH issues, I'd probably be called a catfish if I didn't disclose it early on.

AyBeeCee10 · 02/07/2019 16:24

Yanbu that's a massive betrayal of trust. Yes he did trick you because most likely someone else would have left if they knew how life with him would be like.
I had a relative who was dumped the night before her wedding because she and her family didnt disclose her serious mental issues and it came out at the big family gathering. I dont know how they thought they could hide something like this. Poor guy didnt know she was instutionalised for a very long time. Alot of things then clicked when this information came to light. It was hard to feel sorry for her when she did such a deceitful thing. Did his family and friends not mention anything?

sqeakywheel · 02/07/2019 16:36

Schizophrenia is a serious illness and he should have told you, especially as you were planning on having dcs.
If I was in your situation I would have to stop living with him. He sounds too volatile to be around a child. I think he needs his own quiet and calm home. Your child needs to be safe all the time and your dp's illness needs to be supported. Does he have medical/professional support for his illness? Is it possible for him to become stable?

dodgeballchamp · 02/07/2019 16:58

Jesus christ AyBee your relative was dumped before her wedding night just because she'd been institutionalised in the past? I think she was the one who had a lucky escape from such a prejudiced arsehole! I can't imagine ever holding someone's previous - or current - MH issues against them if I loved them, and I'd feel nothing but compassion upon finding out. No wonder we still have such stigma and misunderstanding in society - in my experience people with MH issues have a lot more empathy than most people on this thread.

Not entirely the same, but some friends of mine had a housemate who they had no idea suffered with schizophrenia. They thought he'd gone away for a few days without telling them, but it turned out he'd been sat in the dark in his room the entire time, convinced they were plotting to kill him. When they found him he tried to attack one of them, and they had to call the crisis team. He was hospitalised for a few days. They didn't insist he moved out immediately and become furious he didn't disclose his issues - they sat him down when he got back, reassured him they weren't angry, and made it clear they were there to talk if he needed. That's what any decent caring person would do, even more so if it's a partner!

But in your current situation OP you need to call the local crisis team if he's been violent. It sounds like he needs urgent intervention for everyone's sake.

CheerfulChimp · 02/07/2019 17:27

He robbed you of the opportunity to know the truth before go into the relationship and parenthood. I would feel deceived and struggle with trusting him again. In fact I would most probably leave him.

TanyaChix · 02/07/2019 18:01

As much as it pains me to say it when I know you have children, I’d leave him. He scares you - that’s enough reason. He’s not the person you thought he was and he deliberately withheld a massive part of himself from you. You should have had a choice about whether you chose to make a life with him or not. The fact that he’s selfish enough to be more concerned about outward appearance to others than you getting support also speaks volumes.

amicableAs · 02/07/2019 18:19

It’s so hard. The thing is a lot of these things you can’t just say on a first date .....you can’t find the moment.....then you plan when you will tell but it makes you anxious and fear rejection ....
Plus you want to feel ‘normal’
Before you know it so much time has passed and then it’s more awkward 😔

lalafafa · 02/07/2019 18:23

your child may have the gene for schizophrenia, the chances of developing it increase if the child is brought up with a schizophrenic parent.

AyBeeCee10 · 02/07/2019 18:43

dodge it was more to do with the fact that she had a few violent episodes with him and he even sought her family for advice. Absolutely no one including herself told him anything about her MH or history. Dont you think that is very wrong. He was absolutley right to walk away and save himself. They were calculating and deceiving in the way they all hid this from him. He just happened to find out the night before the wedding. If it had been any other day he would have done the same.

Louise2019 · 02/07/2019 18:45

Haven’t RTFT so apologies if this has already been asked...

Was mental health history discussed as part of your booking appointment when pregnant? Did your DP not answer the question, did you assume that there were no mental health issues or did your DP actively lie?

TooManyPaws · 02/07/2019 18:54

Unfortunately psychiatrists don't offer anything but pills.

Rubbish. Mine has been very proactive about referring me to other, coping, therapies. She even let me make the decision to adjust my medication or not (prescribed by my GP). I have had this for most of my life and will have it for the rest of it.

Belenus · 02/07/2019 19:59

I told my bf about my MH problems round about the 3rd/ 4th date. Earlier than that would have been pointless and weird but much later would have felt deceptive to me. It's a part of who I am, so knowing about it is part of getting to know me. It meant he knew I'm the kind of person who is up front about things. It meant I could gauge his reaction to MH problems.

IMO it is the deception that's a problem here. It took away the OP's right to choose. For me this isn't about the stigma around mental health problems, it's about honesty. If I'd been in a serious accident and couldn't walk far any more I'd have done the same thing.

I'm not sure I would phrase it as him tricking you OP. But he wasn't honest. And yes, people can develop all sorts of illnesses later in life. But that is different from having an illness now and knowingly keeping it secret from your partner.

Original poster
UTalkinToMe · 02/07/2019 20:22

@lalafafa is there evidence this is true? I am very concerned about this.

OP posts:
dodgeballchamp · 02/07/2019 20:36

AyBee so she was violent to him (more than enough of a reason for him to leave her) but it wasn’t that that made him dump her, it was the fact she had mental health issues? Hmm, yeah something isn’t quite right there

CampingUnderOakTrees · 02/07/2019 21:08

1 in 4 people have a mental health problem. It’s very common.

He may have honestly thought it was in the past and didn’t expect it to surface again. He may not have been intentionally misleading you.

CampingUnderOakTrees · 02/07/2019 21:11

Sorry OP, I just saw that it is schizophrenia which is less common and more serious.

CampingUnderOakTrees · 02/07/2019 21:18

“your child may have the gene for schizophrenia, the chances of developing it increase if the child is brought up with a schizophrenic parent.”

OP it isn’t that simple. There is not a single gene for schizophrenia and it isn’t inherited in that way. It isn’t that clear cut.
It can be familial and therefore inherited, but isn’t dependent on one gene as far as we know. It’s thought that a combination of various genes and environmental factors play a role. So please don’t be panic.
You can speak to a doctor about this in more detail.

BarryBarryTaylor · 02/07/2019 21:31

your child may have the gene for schizophrenia, the chances of developing it increase if the child is brought up with a schizophrenic parent.

Where is the evidence to support this? It’s very dangerous to say something like that to a poster who is clearly vulnerable and concerned without backing up what you say.

OP I have a dear friend who had a psychotic episode. He had to be sanctioned and kept in a secure hospital for a while. It was an awful time for him, but he came through it with the love and support of his friends and family. He does have to take medication, but he only takes a minimal amount and does lots of other things to help himself. Such as being outside. He set up his own gardening Buisness and it’s worked wonders. He also volunteers for Mind and works in the local mind shop. My point is, there is a life to be had. It’s not easy, and it does require professional help, but you and your DP aren’t alone.

BarryBarryTaylor · 02/07/2019 21:32

Should say sectioned

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