To think dp tricked me?

[UTalkinToMe]

I feel awful writing this but just need people's views on it.

When I met dp he didn't tell me he suffered with poor mental health. We went on to have a child and 2 years later he became seriously mentally ill. he then told me he's had this since 17 but had it under control.

Life with him is so difficult. I don't understand his illness and it scares me. He's got a lot worse the past few years and his illness makes him come across very selfish. Ds seems like a burden to him. But he loves him dearly and refuses to admit he struggles with him.

He doesn't want me to get any support for myself as he's worried it will look like we can't cope.

Would you be upset if you dp kept this from you until after you had dc?

He kept it from you because he knew that he would be a less desirable partner if that was on the table, he has deceived you in order to gain an advantage over you, in other words he's done a number on you.

He kept it from you because he knew that he would be a less desirable partner if that was on the table, he has deceived you in order to gain an advantage over you, in other words he's done a number on you.

Yes maybe, or perhaps he has told people he cares about in the past and they just abandoned him. Being deceitful is wrong, but unless you know the DP in question, I think it’s a little harsh to cast that judgment about him. Good people don’t always make the best decisions, it doesn’t make them awful.

It may well be the case that one in 4 people have a mental health problem but that isn't the full story is it.
Some mental health problems are much more severe and life-changing than others, schizophrenia and other forms of psychosis have an extreme negative effect on the sufferer and those around them.
Of course people with serious mental health issues deserve and need compassion and help but to get into a serious relationship with someone and not tell them that you have a serious mental illness....well that's not the way to find a carer.

OP,
You really do need some support, especially because you will get a lot of information in a thread like this that may not be accurate. Schizophrenia is a diagnosis that isn't clear cut,has varied significantly according to fashions in mental health (both in terms of time - lots of people diagnosed with schizophrenia in the 70s and 80s would get a different diagnosis today - and also cross culturally, it is widely diagnosed in some countries and barely used in others)

Re the deception - you DP should have told you they were on medication for an issue if you were having children, but aside from that part they really might not have deceived you. Contrary to popular belief, schizophrenia is not a lifelong condition for the majority. It's more common to have one episode of psychosis and for it not to repeat across the life course.

As PP have mentioned there can be a familial vulnerability to schizophrenia but it's not as simple as saying it's hereditary. It's a huge combination of genes (plural) + resilience + life events/stress. Where it is seen in familles it's difficult to assess how much is the shared DNA and how much is the stress - eg a child raised by a parent with schizophrenia who has had poor parenting as a result has a vulnerability from their experience of being parented.

It's really important that you get some support and understanding about your DPs specific experience of his illness, esp given there's three interlinked diagnoses. And as others have said, you need to be able to learn what is his illness and what, if any, is him being an arsehole.
He may be worried about professionals getting involved - let's face it, MH services in the UK aren't great. But the alternative could be an episode of violence and you leave him, or police or SS need to get involved. Hunkering down and hoping everything goes away isn't an option for him.

@Bored, I don't disagree with you however, this doesn't appear to be a case where someone had one psychotic break and then had a good reason to think there wouldn't be any further problems

You and your child are number one priority

If you feel that you need help, tell your family, friends, GP, Women's Aid, everyone

Nobody should stop you from asking for help
It is not his decision

An isolated episode of psychosis is VERY different from schizophrenia.... 🙄 schizophrenia IS life long, it doesn't go away but can be well managed for some

If he'd told me when we first got together I don't think I would have had children with him.

Maybe he did think it was under control and therefore didn't feel the need to tell me.

I actually went to the antenatal appointment alone and answered no when they asked about mental illness on the fathers side. I mentioned my own father as he suffered with poor mental health but she was more concerned about mine and dp health.

It was very likely the stress of coping with a baby, work and family situations that triggered his last big episode. But that is what worries me. I worry every time he gets a bit stressed, how he's going to react.

To be honest when we first met I was very young and I knew of 3 other men who suffered with schizophrenia. One had committed murder and the other two have seriously injured people I know. When dp was diagnosed with the same illness, I was terrified.

I’d be livid to be honest.

I personally wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone that had severe MH issues so I would consider leaving.

Infact I personally would leave.

@CookieCheesecake if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't either.

We have a ds who loves him dearly, though so it's not an easy option to just leave.

Op, nobody can tell you what to do, that's for you to decide. But if he's violent and you're constantly treading on eggshells trying to gauge his mood then your DS will also feel the same growing up and it will have a negative impact on him eventually.

I know not everyone's circumstances are the same, but a friend of mine married someone with serious mental health problems and had 2 dc with him. As they were still young and growing up he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. My friend was the same as you, scared of his mood, and like your dp, he loved his dc but didn't realise how it was affecting them too. Anyway, cut a long story short, my friend is now married to someone else, and her DC now 18 and 16 are suffering because of the damage he caused them when he was living with them. There's no point saying it can be hidden from the kids, because it can't.

It's not a life I'd want to live for myself and it's certainly not a life I'd want for my child.

No it’s not easy to leave. It never is.

But that's also why you need to get help and support. Because you end to know if he can become as dangerous as the men you know.
You need to know what is the best way to deal with the ‘episodes’.
You need to know how to live with someone with that sort of illness, in particular you want to support him and help him WITHOUT becoming a mother to him and feel responsible for keeping the environment perfect for him for example (I’m thinking for example, being on the back of your toddler constantly to stop them doing things toddlers do so the environment at home is perfect for your DP).
And you need to learn what are your boundaries so you ca; stick to them. How much are your unhappy to cope with and how much is too much, for you and for your dc.

My advice would be to go and see your GP and explain the situation. See if you can get counselling through them to help with the boundaries aspect. See if there are support groups for that illness so you can learn about it. And support groups from partners and family.

FWIW my uncle has schizophrenia. It was hard to live with him and he was incapable to look after his dd on his own (she ended up living with my aunt when her mum died). But he wasn’t a bad man and he had a good relationshipnwith his wife (my aunt) until she died. (Her death had absolutely nothing to do with him)

. If your DH had cancer, would you leave him due to the illness?

This isn't an analogous example, and it's not what the OP has started the thread about.

If you had cancer, would you withhold that information from someone you were about to marry and have children with?

Because if you would, that would be ethically and morally wrong of you.

Irrespective of whether you have a serious physical or mental health issue, to withhold that information from someone you plan to marry and/or have children with is seriously wrong.

I wouldn't want to have children with a diagnosed schizophrenic, who's also suffering from PTSD and OCD. That's not to say I wouldn't stay and support them+ but I absolutely, categorically would NOT have children with them.

To argue against this is to show yourself to be manipulative, dishonest, duplicitous, and not fit to be somebody's long-term partner.

To clarify: it's not the mental health issue that makes you so, it's the pre-meditated dishonesty and outright lying.

• I wouldn't stick around. I'm afraid we only have one life, and this wouldn't be how I'd want to live mine. However, I'm sure many / most / I strongly suspect only some people are much better people than I am, and would be willing to deprioritise someone else's needs, wants and happiness for their own. I'm self-aware enough to recognise my own limitations, even as I acknowledge it doesn't make me a very nice person.

I'd probably leave tbh. He lied about this for all of these years, and then it's all come out after you've had a baby together and made yourself vulnerable. And now he's refusing to even get help?

I'd be packing my bags tonight. Maybe if he got some help right away and worked really hard with it then I'd consider going back in the future. But it would take a hell of a lot over an extended period of time to convince me...

He waits until you are vulnerable and compromised (because you have a baby too care for) to tell you that he suffers with schizophrenia, he then tries to block you from accessing support for yourself thus increasing your vulnerability, taking the power away from you.
He is presumably aware that you have had very distressing experiences with other people who suffered from schizophrenia, you are faithful and unable to access help for yourself, he has you in a position where he can completely dominate and control you.
I don't know how much of this is a deliberate and conscious strategy but I think it's very damaging for everyone involved.

If you had a cold you would go to shop for remedy

If the cold didn't clear up visit the pharmacy

It gets worse, people around you, see and hear that you are suffering, you go to the doctor

If worse, it's the hospital & help & support from other agencies

So why would you NOT ask for help when you need it ?

You need help for yourself and your child

He has no right to stop you

OP I feel for you. Living with someone with a serious mental illness is worrying and exhausting. I'm very sad that there's so much ignorance from other posters. His behaviour is not voluntary. Hes not a twat...he's displaying paranoia about getting other people involved. He didnt tell you probably because he was afraid you'd leave him. There is still so much stigma around MH issues.
My db has had long periods of illness. In those times, he's selfish, paranoid, nasty even aggressive. When well he's gentle, thoughtful, funny and lovely.
This current attitude of your dp could be down to his illness. Read up on it and decide if you are willing to support him on what is probably going to be a very rocky journey. No one- least of all me- will blame you if you choose to leave. Its really tough.
I wish you all the best x

You and your children are living in an abusive home. It's irrelevant what is causing it, the effects on you and your dc are the same regardless.

As someone who grew up with a parent with schizophrenia I would urge you to leave. It is incredibly damaging for children to be in this environment.

You’ve been deceived. He isn’t suffering from depression or anxiety. He’s either bipolar, schizophrenic or psychotic or a combination of the two. I’ve worked on mental health and know very few individuals who never relapse when one of these three issues are at play. I’d be furious. You didn’t sign up for that