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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My child is not entertainment !!

129 replies

Charliestardust · 01/07/2019 10:37

Hey, new to posting but always reading here.

So I may be being awkward who knows.

My daughter has a friend in our street who's in the same class , she's not English (may or may not be relevant). Now and again the mother asks for my daughter to play down there. But she literally doesn't want to give her back!!! I'll say what time should I come back for her, she says oh leave her, she's a good girl she can stay. I know my daughter's a good girl,.kind of did some of that myself!! Don't get me wrong they're nice people, the other girl is quiet and I think my daughter is the only English girl she plays with so may help her a bit?? But mine went down at half 10 Saturday morning, dad checked on her at about 12, I went to the shop at about half 1 or 2 and took some snacks and pop to share, and at 4 my partner said I want her back now, and the mum was like oh no leave her, he just said no she's coming home now, we've got stuff to do, not moody or anything just that's it. This mother has always got different kids visiting,.just feel like it's to keep her child entertained. My daughter is pretty easy going and nice to have around.

Do you see where I'm coming from? I'm all for her playing etc but feel like they won't give her back.

OP posts:

Cersei61 · 02/07/2019 08:35

Lifeandjoy

Very good point. The OP should have put 'non- English speaking'.

NinjaInFluffyPJs · 02/07/2019 08:45

If you feel bad for the mother feeding your day pop some snacks with her.
I second one of the pp that in some countries it's normal to just go to your friend's house and stay till the evening or sometimes it turnes into a sleepover. No one bemoans it and no one has an issue feeding other kid because they know that next time the other family will do. It's very informal. Often we got called to the fence by elderly neighbours and given something tasty from their garden too when we were passing their houses on a way to friend's one or mine😁
Very near to Poland. From what I understand they hvae it the same way.

Btw people reacted like this because your first post is quite judgy and ridiculous.

15YemenRoad · 02/07/2019 09:59

@Cersei61

AryaStarkWolf · 02/07/2019 10:10

I just didn't want my daughter left there all day and the other mum feeding her and finding me cheeky if we didn't go down and check on her. Her friend is very shy so no she won't come down to ours I've asked.

That's totally different to what you said in your OP tbf. In the OP you made out like they were trying to kidnap your child or something. Getting annoyed that they said she was a "good girl" etc I mean even the title of your thread is giving out "My child is not entertainment" ........

Dailyjunglegrind · 02/07/2019 17:30

You do come across a bit precious .. classifying your child as entertainment vs allowing a cross cultural friendship.
If your DD is happy playing and they are nice family.. not sure your actual concern here, other than you didn’t stipulate when you need your DD back.. they were being relaxed and you didn’t specify .. learn and move on..

TigerTooth · 02/07/2019 17:46

I can’t see the issue here - nice kid goes to play with nice kid. Mum says she stay as long as you like. And you get her when you want her back. Both kids enjoy the play.
And your issue is???????

TigerTooth · 02/07/2019 17:49

This mother has always got different kids visiting,.just feel like it's to keep her child entertained

Isn’t that the whole point? Mutual entertainment? What other reason could there be?

Ayemama · 02/07/2019 17:57

I think this is normal as this is how I grew up. Always welcome at friends all day or all weekend sometimes.
But I can see why you find it odd if this isn't normal to you.
I think it's a compliment.
She obviously thinks you've done an amazing job raising your DD which she's telling you when she said s she's lovely.
If you have an issue then just set a time limit as PP have suggested or say she can't go certain days (declaring a family day or planning a day out).
This is all assuming that's your DD likes going there of course.

EdWinchester · 02/07/2019 18:19

Blimey, just be a bit firmer when you go to collect her.

No drama.

loveyou3000 · 02/07/2019 18:42

YAB a bit U. Love my neighbours, all the kids spend the day at each others houses, sometimes ours, sometimes next door, it's lovely. As PP said, free range kids. There's always at least one adult watching them too.
I was out the door as soon as I woke up and in my friend's pool by 8 nearly every day of summer when I was a child, then back to mine for lunch and a play.

If it's something you aren't comfortable with just say no or back by a certain time.

Nearlyalmost50 · 02/07/2019 18:56

In my husband's culture (Eastern European one) this would be really common, having a child over for an extended time, even overnight and if asked, say 'shes no trouble, I'll keep her if you like'. I have friend who would do extended childcare which here would be seen as a CF situation, but to them it just seemed normal and part of 'it takes a village' and all that. I was surprised when I first encountered it but happy to go along withit!

WiseNiceWoman · 02/07/2019 18:57

To be honest, although said in a harsh way is really the crux of it! I totally agree.

mathanxiety · 02/07/2019 19:06

The other mother is being polite.

She doesn't want to mistakenly give you the impression that she is dying to see the back of your child or that your child has outstayed her welcome in any way, and hurt your feelings.

It's like trying to say Bye to my mum on the phone. It takes 40 minutes because she never wants to give the impression that she has anything to do other than give you her undivided attention.

Just accept the invitation next time with 'Thank you! I'll come and collect her at 4' if it bothers you. No reason necessary.

As for 'entertainment' - many parents like to see their children playing happily with others. It's very normal to facilitate a social life for your children, teach them how to be a hostess and get along in an environment that isn't structured the way school is.

When my DCs were young they spent their summer days playing with the neighbours' children, often disappearing for hours at a stretch into neighbours' houses, and the neighbouring children often returned the favour. When they were old enough they could all head off to the pool together or a parent could take a big group. The DCs also headed off to places like local street festivals with parents or grandparents of neighbours, and I took them places too.

My DD1 was the oldest of the group and enjoyed many happy years of organising the rest of them. This role of hers morphed into 'mother's helper' jobs for money when she was about 12 and from then on she always had a few regular families whom she babysat for.

As an immigrant mother living 9 hours from my ILs (and thankful for that in many ways) I felt it was really important to establish connections with neighbours and school families and provide a social environment that would otherwise have been provided by cousins and other family. My DCs and I all created solid friendship groups through school and the neighbourhood that are still going strong today.

mathanxiety · 02/07/2019 19:12

YYY to Nearlyalmost50's observations.

There is a very similar culture in my part of the US and my family's Russian and Polish friends are exactly like this.

It is lovely for all the children and for the parents too (though if we are ever asked to a meal with the Russians and Poles it's best to count on not leaving until the wee small hours, and a cup of tea can lead to staying for dinner and then the wee small hours thing too )

mathanxiety · 02/07/2019 19:17

The English (I’m English) are notoriously uptight so I can see why it’s relevant

LOL.

True dat.

It took an English family who were in the neighbourhood for three years a heck of a long time to relax and stop being suspicious of the local customs.

(I realise this is a very small sample size and more anecdotal than statistical).

Unfinishedkitchen · 02/07/2019 19:20

The other mum sounds lovely and clearly wants her DD to have friends and fit in. I actually feel sorry for her as she’s trying her best and it sounds like your slagging her off a bit. Your DD obviously likes being around there too otherwise she would’ve said something to you.

Some people are just very generous with their hospitality. I regularly host DDs friends. She likes it and we think it’s good for her socially.

LilQueenie · 02/07/2019 19:20

Does you child not have friends over OP? Can't see why not being English is a problem.

Brocks1981 · 02/07/2019 19:28

I have the same issue with my DS and his friends mum, my DS is a year younger than friend a few doors away but they Get on brilliant, but trying to get him back is a nightmare, I set his alarm on his watch so he knows its time to go. The worst thing is I know the reason she encourages him to stay is because he is a bit more advanced than her son who has special needs and my son is caring, helpful able to do things in the kitchen, help out etc as he is also a young carer. Even though hers is older she gets herself down thinking he is behind and encourages my DS to show her DS what he can do and sometimes takes advantage asking my DS to do jobs for her. I try not to interfere too much because I know why she does it but I always insist on a set time and be polite if she says "Can he stay a little longer I usually just say" No Im sorry we have thibgs to do and I havent really seen him since noon" etc. I try not to argue. I also teach my son that he can say no if he doesnt want to help out. The hardest thing I find is she compares the two saying things like "Oh my dont I Wish my DS could make a cuppa as good as your DS, I cant even imagine letting him in the kitchen on his own" or "Your DS is so smart, he was reading to my DS and Im amazed he knows all those big words , DS only reads picture books himself" and I worry if anything that her DS may get jelous of mine and it may affect thier friendship. Id juatmaintain the firmness and insist on times etc and stay friendly. It could be her DD is struggling to make friends due to language and she really doenst like her DD to be lonely.

Bouledeneige · 02/07/2019 19:57

Some parents use playdates as an alternative to having to think about entertaining their child themselves. I had a friend who definitely did not want to have to be alone with their kids - weekends, holidays whatever. Friends were always invited - the longer the better. Thats not cultural. Could be that.

rainbowbear10 · 02/07/2019 20:16

Does your child enjoy spending time with the girl and her mother at their house.?
Have you ever invited the wee girl back to your house?

i know when my daughter stayed out at a friends house or even my next door neighbour i would say be back at a certain time ...half the time i would have to walk round and get her.

Jeeperscreepers69 · 02/07/2019 20:55

Sounds like a lonely family. What a shame you feel you "need" your daughter back. Enjoy your time out. I dont hear you saying your returning the Play date though.....
Does your daughter have a opinion? If so let her express it instead of worrying about having her home

LoafofSellotape · 02/07/2019 21:05

Some parents use playdates as an alternative to having to think about entertaining their child themselves

What other reason would you have a child over to play?

riotlady · 02/07/2019 22:10

I don’t understand why you feel that the other family are “using” your daughter for entertainment but you and your daughter aren’t equally “using” them for entertainment? Especially since you’re the one with the benefit of having free, child-free time when this happens! Surely it’s mutual?

Also popping in to check on them that much seems a bit excessive. In the future I’d just give a time for her to come home at the outset and then pick her up at that time, no fuss.

Loki1983 · 02/07/2019 22:33

You’re lucky! Your daughter has a good friend from a nice family and can have some freedom and independence from her parents in an age where most children are held hostage by overbearing parents.

EllenMP · 02/07/2019 22:35

I feel like you are overdramatising the situation and putting a negative spin on the other mum's politeness and warmth. A lot of parents would be delighted to have their child looked after for an afternoon if she was enjoying herself, so the mum probably thinks she is being nice. And maybe if her daughter is shy she does better with a one on one playdate than in a group at school, so mum is happy to have a lot of playdate time. Just say when you are coming to collect her and take the other mum's affection as a sign of her love of children and your daughter's sweetness. Some people are just warm by nature. Don't hold it against them.

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