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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My child is not entertainment !!

129 replies

Charliestardust · 01/07/2019 10:37

Hey, new to posting but always reading here.

So I may be being awkward who knows.

My daughter has a friend in our street who's in the same class , she's not English (may or may not be relevant). Now and again the mother asks for my daughter to play down there. But she literally doesn't want to give her back!!! I'll say what time should I come back for her, she says oh leave her, she's a good girl she can stay. I know my daughter's a good girl,.kind of did some of that myself!! Don't get me wrong they're nice people, the other girl is quiet and I think my daughter is the only English girl she plays with so may help her a bit?? But mine went down at half 10 Saturday morning, dad checked on her at about 12, I went to the shop at about half 1 or 2 and took some snacks and pop to share, and at 4 my partner said I want her back now, and the mum was like oh no leave her, he just said no she's coming home now, we've got stuff to do, not moody or anything just that's it. This mother has always got different kids visiting,.just feel like it's to keep her child entertained. My daughter is pretty easy going and nice to have around.

Do you see where I'm coming from? I'm all for her playing etc but feel like they won't give her back.

OP posts:

Jemima232 · 01/07/2019 12:17

The only odd thing about all this is your over-use of exclamation marks.

IamAporcupine · 01/07/2019 12:22

If other mother was English, would you have the same concern?

I was about to ask something similar. There is a hint of 'they are different' in your OP.

I might be completely wrong here but for you to think that your daughter is the only English girl her DD plays with makes me think there is something that you see in them and the other kids that frequent the house - ethnicity?

Also, I am not English either and when we have kids around (not that often unfortunately) I would also say leave them for as long as you/your child want, that does not mean that I do not want to give them back!

EerieSilence · 01/07/2019 12:22

I live in Ireland and we have an open door policy now, where come May we literally have to drag DD home at 7 or 7.30 so she can calm down a bit and be ready for school the next day. She's at her friends' house or in the garden or they are at ours. I feed them, she gets fed, we all believe it's a great arrangement and have no problem looking after other children either. Your post is rather OTT.

ittakes2 · 01/07/2019 12:27

It’s the language barrier. She is just telling you it’s ok if your daughter wants to stay. If you want her back take her back like your hubby did last time!

Notcopingwellhere · 01/07/2019 12:27

I took the OP’s comment about her DD being the neighbour’s only English playmate to suggest that she feels the family are “using” her DD to help their daughter’s language. (May be a collateral benefit I suppose, but as long as the girls are having fun then who cares). Also if girl was born here and has been going to school here since reception she’ll already be bilingual and one would think that the parents might actually prefer her to speak her parents’ language at home so as not to lose it.

boobirdblue · 01/07/2019 12:33

Now and again the mother asks for my daughter to play down there. But she literally doesn't want to give her back!!! I'll say what time should I come back for her, she says oh leave her, she's a good girl she can stay. I know my daughter's a good girl,.kind of did some of that myself!!

Christ you sound hard work! Now and again she asks her to go to play, big deal!

You're even stroppy over a compliment "she's a good girl" because you already know that.

Totally over the top reaction, do you ever invite the child to yours?

LillithsFamiliar · 01/07/2019 12:37

How odd to view your DD as entertainment. Equally the other child is entertaining your DD.
It's fairly common ime for DCs who stay in the same street and play together to end up with extended playdates like this. DS and his friend would end up in his house or our house for hours.
If we had plans, then I'd tell DS before he went so he knew when to expect to be collected. Then I'd collect him.
Life must be exhausting for you if neighbourly kindness causes so much angst and needs a MN thread.

ddl1 · 01/07/2019 12:39

I'm sure they're not intending to steal your child! It's probably just their form of hospitality - like when hosts say to a departing guest 'oh must you go now, can't you stay just a little longer?' to indicate that they aren't trying to get rid of you (even if occasionally they are!) Maybe there are some language or cultural differences in how she's expressing her hospitality, but I'm sure there's no sinister intent. The main thing is whether your child is enjoying her visits: if she is, then it's lovely that the visits are encouraged.

EerieSilence · 01/07/2019 12:40

Life must be exhausting for you if neighbourly kindness causes so much angst and needs a MN thread.
@LillithsFamiliar - but the neighbour isn't English!!! That seems to be the problem.

MargoLovebutter · 01/07/2019 12:41

I think you are taking this in an odd way. Just specify what time your daughter is available. You are the parent, so you specify what time your daughter can be at another person's house. If you want your DD back to do something, then you say that when you drop her off - easy peesy!

BrokenWing · 01/07/2019 12:44

She is telling you it is ok for your dd to play as long as she want. No big deal, if you have stuff planned or want to do stuff with her just say so.

BrokenWing · 01/07/2019 12:45

and friends like this are sometimes great for helping out with reciprocal childcare during the summer holidays!

Octonautsoctopod · 01/07/2019 12:52

Agree with the previous posters that say it is probably be a cultural difference. I am multicultural. My mum grew up in another country, different language, and moved here in her twenties.

When I was little, my mum would have my friends over all day and whenever. Our door was always open to friends in and out. They’d stay until bedtime and beyond.

As a kid, it was lovely.

Even when we’d grown up, my mum would happily take our neighbours young kids in to play endlessly!

Your neighbour sounds lovely.

But if it makes you uncomfortable - and I get it, it’s not very “English” so feels strange (even though I grew up in a house like you’re neighbours’, I’m always happy when other mums take their kids back ) - you can say to the mum, “she can play until 12 but then she needs to be home because we have x on” and go and get her.

Octonautsoctopod · 01/07/2019 12:53

Arg! Autocorrect. *your neighbours’ and not you’re!

ComeAndDance · 01/07/2019 13:02

Is that an issue if your dd is staying that long?
Is your dd fed up and wants to go home or is she playing happily with the girl?
Does it stops you from doing things because you are spending the day waiting for her?

I cant see the issue with your dd spending the day there.

MadameButterface · 01/07/2019 13:04

omg

just say she can't play today or she needs to come home at x time

what is with some of the people on here, god help them if they ever have a real problem

BestestBrownies · 01/07/2019 13:06

Fucking hell you sound like hard work. And ridiculously precious. Your kid is a human being who is allowed to form relationships and friendships with other kids and their families that are not strictly micromanaged by her parents. As long as you trust she is in safe hands then what's the problem?

The other mum is just being polite complimenting you on the fact that you have a nicely mannered/likeable child and letting you know that the two kids get on and play well together.

Juells · 01/07/2019 13:11

Never mind, OP, I know where you're coming from I learned to ignore the pressure to leave my child there all the time, just smiling and saying "No, I'm taking her home now". It's not that you don't want your child playing there, it's that she's being monopolised. When you have only one or two children you want some time with them yourself.

MrMeSeeks · 01/07/2019 13:16

Yabu. The mom is simply saying your dd is no bother and can stay longer if you want!
They’re really not going to keep her
Hardly think they’re using her for entertainment either.
I’d be happy your dd has clearly made a good friend and she’s well behaved!

Maryann1975 · 01/07/2019 13:25

Does the other child have siblings? It sounds to me as though the other child is a bit lonely so having another child there gives them something to do and makes her happy. But, obviously if you don’t want your child there, just say so, don’t let them go or say they have to be back in 2 hours or whatever.

If they are an only child, it might not be through choice and the mother might have immense guilt at not giving their dc a sibling to play with, so trying to recreate that a bit with having friends round a lot of the time. (I know a family where the child has friends round for tea/play/sleepovers all the time and this is the reason).

Ellisandra · 01/07/2019 13:26

You are quite weirdly defensive about someone complimenting her on being a good girl! Why on earth are you getting the arse about that?

When I was a child, we didn’t have the word “playdate” and everything was far more spontaneous. And it wasn’t unusual for a child to be at another house for hours.

That doesn’t mean you have to agree - I’m laughing at the poster who is scared to parent her child and say no to an offered play date extension in front of them. Really?!

Just arrange a time that you’re happy with, end of. It doesn’t need a song and dance.

EerieSilence · 01/07/2019 13:27

@Juells - does it matter what the child wants? I certainly wouldn't want to deprive my child of her social life, especially as she is the only child. I can still have some nice "me" time with her without dragging her from her friends. A child should be able to spend lots of time with their friends.

Ellisandra · 01/07/2019 13:27

@Maryann1975 I’m a single parent and I definitely like it when friends come over, but please don’t assume that’s due to “immense guilt”!

Original poster

Charliestardust · 01/07/2019 13:28

Cheers everyone for reassuring my why this is the first and last time I'll post on here. I'm seriously not precious, I was asking for a bit of advice but getting totally slated for it. Ethnicity, no not a problem, they're a Polish family and I've been to parties etc with them so I do know they are generous welcoming people. I just didn't want my daughter left there all day and the other mum feeding her and finding me cheeky if we didn't go down and check on her. Her friend is very shy so no she won't come down to ours I've asked. The majority of you have made me feel like absolute shit, well done to you

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 01/07/2019 13:29

@Juells and when you have 3 or more you can’t wait to get rid?

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