My child is not entertainment !!

[Charliestardust]

Hey, new to posting but always reading here.

So I may be being awkward who knows.

My daughter has a friend in our street who's in the same class , she's not English (may or may not be relevant). Now and again the mother asks for my daughter to play down there. But she literally doesn't want to give her back!!! I'll say what time should I come back for her, she says oh leave her, she's a good girl she can stay. I know my daughter's a good girl,.kind of did some of that myself!! Don't get me wrong they're nice people, the other girl is quiet and I think my daughter is the only English girl she plays with so may help her a bit?? But mine went down at half 10 Saturday morning, dad checked on her at about 12, I went to the shop at about half 1 or 2 and took some snacks and pop to share, and at 4 my partner said I want her back now, and the mum was like oh no leave her, he just said no she's coming home now, we've got stuff to do, not moody or anything just that's it. This mother has always got different kids visiting,.just feel like it's to keep her child entertained. My daughter is pretty easy going and nice to have around.

Do you see where I'm coming from? I'm all for her playing etc but feel like they won't give her back.

I'm all for her playing etc but feel like they won't give her back.confused

Why are you over-egging it?

They wanted DD to stay a bit longer, her dad said no, case closed. They didn’t forcible detain her 🤷‍♀️

You sound completely unreasonable.

if you are happy for your kid to go and play, leave her. If you want her to come back, pick her up.

The other mother sounds lovely, if she has an open door attitude for her kids friends, surely that's a good thing? She is reassuring you that your child can stay as long as they want and are not intruding, how can that be bad?

Your OP comes across as patronising, superior and frankly unpleasant.

I agree with op. How old is your dd?
My daughter is 4 and very well behaved she's also very kind.
My dd had a friend who's mum kept asking her to come round tell me her dd was missing her friend. I would ask for her what time to pick her up and the mum would say she can stay. - in front of my dd who then of course wanted to stay, sometimes for unplanned sleepovers. The visits started to be damanded at least once a week and sometimes everyday. The requests were always said in front of children and I think this, was the plan so I would be mean if I said no. The other mum started to buy stuff for my dd like a toothbrush fir when she stayed. I was starting to miss my dd and felt she was being kidnapped. So we started to make plans and be unavailable. Then the family would turn up where we were and essentially gatecrash our day. So I carefully explained we wanted to spent time as a family and the other mum actually cried saying how could I do this to her and she would have to explain to her dd that we didn't want to see her thar day and her dd would be upset too. I felt sooo guilty but dh said it was odd and to start to cut ties.
So please listen to your institution op you know if the situation is getting out of hand.

How old is your daughter?

I used to go & play at my friends house for hours as she was my friend & it was nice to have someone to play with. Why don't you invite your daughter's friend to your house as well on occasion?

The requests were always said in front of children and I think this, was the plan so I would be mean if I said no.

is that for real?
What's wrong with saying "no" to your child? You are making your life so much harder than it needs to be!

I’m just not seeing the issue here, your neighbour sounds lovely yet you’re just seeing negative in everything the poor woman does. How often do you reciprocate the invite?

It may be cultural. Where I live, it's pretty much free range kids, and they are always in and out of each others houses, down the beach, etc. It took me a little while to get used to it.

Actually her being the only English friend her daughter plays with is probably OP making stuff up. How would she know the comings and goings of another family?

Juells Ffs what a load of rubbish. Protection for her child? Its primary school not prison. Let’s hope you weren't stupid enough to actually hold your dd back!

Op, you are massively overreacting. Take it as a compliment she obviously thinks your child is well behaved. Don’t make something out of nothing.

Can’t do right for wrong these days

Is your daughter enjoying herself there? Why do you see it as your child being “the entertainment” and not each girl entertaining the other?

Unless she hates it, or you have something specific you want to do as a family, why cut their playing time short? Is your daughter old enough to come home when she’s ready/contact you to be picked up?

It sounds lovely, playing all day round at a friend’s. It’s what I did as a child and I hate this whole modern culture of playdates and meeting up with parents in the park. We were mostly at my friend’s house rather than mine because she lived across the road from the park and her Mum made better food .

@Snooky84 You just say I'll be back to collect her at 2.... Job done! Why are some people having such a hard time doing this with adults and their kids? Bedtimes must be interesting 🙄

If other mother was English, would you have the same concern?

Presumably your DD is being entertained by this woman’s DD? That’s what friends do — enjoy each other’s company. If there are other children involved it makes it easier for them all to remain there rather than the wee friend to come to your place.
Just think of it as a plus that any mess, noise, isn’t in your house, your DD is happy and socialising and maybe learning about another culture.
If your DD is happy just leave her until she needs to come home. Maybe do something that’s not so easy when she’s at home — ask if it’s ok for DD to stay until 5pm and the maybe when she comes home her friend can come for a meal. If times are set rather than just an open ended visit then the other mother will no doubt be quite happy to oblige.

The language I guess is relevant and many cultures still adopt the more relaxed attitude to having children round that many of us enjoyed as kids rather than regimented play dates that are more the norm now. Unless your daughter doesn't enjoy it then YABU, although if she doesn't enjoy it YABU to send her. Obviously if you have stuff on then say so but dragging your dd home when she's happy to stay just because you think it's been too long seems a shame. I'm sure the other child is equally as entertaining as your DD. She is basically saying you don't have to feel you need to take her - she hasn't out stayed her welcome. Many languages have a more direct way of speaking and an invite might seem like a demand. I think you are misinterpreting it

From the other side, I have a DD who had a disability and struggles to play out, isn’t easy for others who don’t know her to have round.

We love having her friends over as she is really bad at self play but if there are two of them they go and do stuff together, meaning we aren’t constantly having to run round after her. At first her friends’ parents were always saying “oh just til 3” and when we said we didn’t mind them staying longer it was “oh are you sure you don’t mind” If the girls decided they wanted to do the same the next day the parents were “oh no, that’s too much, Yabbers doesn’t want you there all that time”

It took a while for the parents to be satisfied we weren’t thinking they were CFs and we really didn’t mind. We weren’t trying to steal their children or not give them back, it was just nice for our girl to have a playmate round. That, and, if a play date finishes mid afternoon it inevitably leads to whining about “can’t they stay longer, stay for tea” etc.

If you want your daughter home, take her home. But don’t be judging the parents for being happy to host your DD

Are you saying they are forcing your daughter to stay when she doesnt want to?

I’m British and often do this, as do several of my kids friend’s parents. If the kids are getting along well and are no trouble. If you want your kid back just say “ I’ll come and get her at 1pm” or whatever. It’s no big deal.

If your child is old enough to decide when she's had enough, then there's nothing wrong with her staying all day if the parent doesn't mind.
Better than the experience I had a few years ago with a NDN child who was only 2 years old at the time. He used to let himself out of his house and wander around the estate (not much traffic) and he started to knock on our door regularly.
Had to take him back to his mum quite often when he was out on his own and she never once went looking for him.
I ended up letting him stay longer as it was safer and nicer for him.
Turns out that the mum had a drink problem and was comatose on the sofa most days.
Social workers have been working with the family for a few years and now he's 18 and a good lad, when he's not with his mates.
Be glad it's not that way round!

I relate to the other Mum! one of my DD's is at her best when she's got a friend here. I'd have any of them over!

God you sound awful OP. You'll soon be wanting to charge your nice neighbour for the privilege of your precious DD's time no doubt. How old is your DD anyway? Does she not get a say in this? I assume she's very young if your DH is running to check up on her after an hour and a half. How about you insist on having your DD's friend over at yours 50% of the time, considering you see it as such a treat?

I think that the parents who think the OP is being unfair haven't experienced this kind of emotional blackmail - and that's what it is. Your child is perceived as a suitable playmate for whatever reason - in my case it was because my DD was gentle and nice to a super-shy child - but your own child isn't a companion pony! She has a family of her own, and friends of her own, and needs to have the opportunity to play with lots of children.

Why you get a vibe, you need to take notice of it.

Well you asked her an open ended question, you didn't say, for example, "I'll come an get her at x time as she has such and such on" or whatever. FWIW, my next door neighbours aren't English and the culture is for a happy house filled with kids that the mother loves to host. Personally, my own neighbours mean nothing by it. But if it bothers you you need to communicate with her more clearly when you'll be coming to collect her.

Agree with @HiJenny35 and others.

You are behaving in an utterly bizarre fashion. Of course your child is entertainment for their child- she’s not slave labour is she! What else would she be there for? Presumably your daughter is also being entertained by the other child.

Just pick your daughter up when you want to. There’s really no need to dramatize this.

@Charliestardust When you say she's not English, which nationality is she?

Just wondering whether this is a cultural thing. Because this happened with one of my DD's friends where a playdate for a couple of hours would extend to an evening meal and then a sleepover and then lunch, etc, etc! Mum of friend would ask "Can we keep her for longer?", "Can we keep her for tea?". Maybe I was misunderstanding what she meant though, although Dad was British so I presume he would have intervened if it was really a problem!

I think it's a cultural thing OP. You sound quite defensive and uptight in your post.

The other mother sounds totally normal - my kids have grown up in Spain and it was very much like this, we were always kid swapping and it was great for the kids to socialise and play.