When finances change....

[Burrden]

My DH has been made redundant recently. He was earning £200k and we had a fantastic lifestyle - private school for the 2 DC, holidays etc. We own our house outright and have some savings, plus his pay off. I work PT and earn £30k which covers our day to day living expenses (but not school fees or luxuries).
We can continue living our current lifestyle for 2/3 years without DH needing to work.

As a result of the change to our finances I have cut back in certain areas (I did this when we found out that his job was at risk at the beginning of the year) - basically stuck to a budget so i knew we could live on my salary. I have requested additional hours at work but will need to wait until a role comes up - I would earn £50k full time so still not enough to cover school fees but if we don't dip into our savings now we can afford to keep them there until 11 without DH needing to work.

However, DH refuses to cut back AT ALL. Each morning he trots off to a chichi cafe for coffee and breakfast, with his newspaper then goes off to the gym/ music lessons/ tennis/ golf - all things he never had time for when working. I kind of think this is fine for this summer but then he really will need to sit down and face reality. He has worked solidly for 20 years in demanding, long hour jobs, I do not begrudge him time off but he is burning through the same amount of money (if not more) than before.
Meanwhile I make packed lunches, have dropped my own gym membership, the cleaner (he does do some cleaning but it is erratic - some weeks he does none and the next he blitzes the whole house) and other non essential things.
The DC break up from school this week and he keeps saying how great it is that we won't need to pay for holiday childcare (which saves about £1k) but in the next breath he spends £5k on a two week holiday for him and the DC.... we had a week booked already but in Devon and not extravagant.

I guess the issue is that we have never had to worry about money before and now it is an issue we don't seem to be on the same page. If I try to discuss it I get accused of only being with him for his money, which is not at all true (we met through work, I earned the same as him 15yrs ago but - kids, his career took off and so his job took priority).

He is looking for another job but wants to take the time to look for another type of role - I don't actually know what that is! - and I have no problem with him taking time off/ retraining/ whatever as long as he has a plan of sorts and stops spending so much money.

I just feel when we speak it all comes out wrong/ he twists it into me being money grabbing. He also keeps going on about how I have worked PT for the last 8 years and it's about time I went back FT (my youngest only started school last September!) but it isn't that easy to just demand FT hours. I am also now looking for roles in London which are more highly paid than locally (but I wasn't able to do before because of the commute and getting back in time for the DC) - I have no problem working - but if he does get a job back in his old industry he will assume it all goes back to me doing everything Monday - Friday and I won't be able to manage that with a 1hr+ commute. Even so I would not be on £200k for many years (if ever!).

AIBU to want him to cut back (as I have) and make a plan for the future?

This gets worse and worse..

I totally get what other posters are saying about sharing the mental load etc, but I think OP has enough to focus on with the money and career stuff. It's probably not the time to fight every battle in the one relationship. Who Hoovers the staircase and when is small potatoes compared to her husband frittering away their financial security.

If he has to spend money on the kids for once - suncream, forgotten pants, whatever - perhaps he’ll realise there isn’t a massive discretionary budget of personal money just for him, that there’s loads of necessities that cost and have to come out of the same breakfast-n-coffee-shop money.

I mean, probably not, but hey, I absolutely wouldn’t be packing come hell or high water for a holiday I didn’t book, am not going on and all while the other parent isn’t working and I still am.

Why on earth is he spending on your credit card and doesn't he have his own?

Yes, that's not normal, how did it come about?

Also, I don't see how it was "naive" of you to "think" you'd save on childcare costs over the holiday - was it not him who told you how great it was going to be to save £1k a week on holiday childcare because he was going to be around this summer? That's what you wrote here that he'd told you, why were you naive to believe him?!

My husband is an additional cardholder in my named credit card - effectively it’s a joint credit card fir everyday spending which we pay off every month from the joint account. You just can’t set up a credit card in joint names, someone has to be the primary cardholder. I assume it’s something similar for OP.

To be honest, I think if I was the OP, I'd be getting the cleaner back.

It sounds like the cost would be a drop in the ocean compared with the DHs spending, and no fucking way would I be doing all the household stuff, being the default parent and working part time while he pisses about at the golf club and other hobbies under the guise of 'networking'.

But I think they’re all aspects of the same issue wishing, the OP’s husband is inflexible in dramatically altered circumstances. She’s altered her behaviour to compensate but he’s refused and is undermining her efforts. All the arenas of domestic life are under attack but he’s refusing to acknowledge his part, relying on his massive financial input but that isn’t there any more.

Oh, and I'd say burning through joint savings deliberately and against the wishes of your so-called partner has already crossed a pretty serious line.

Reducing the limit on your own credit card to help him stay within the budget that he did actually agree to even if he did then turn around and disregard it all and throw his toys out the pram is a thoughtful gesture to help you all manage more easily.

But it's the DC that will suffer if I leave him to it, isn't it? I may leave him to the toiletries but I will get their clothes out at least.

I have been looking at Monzo for our discretionary spending. Does anyone use it?
I give myself £500 a month, I don't deprive myself, but I do consider purchases before I make them (and most of my money goes on doing things with the DC - days out, buying them treats, dinner out if they have had an after school club etc). I have broached the subject of giving him a budget but he just spends what he wants anyway.

Most of our savings are out of his reach - they are mainly in my name. I have put DC school fees in fixed term accounts and I continue to pay into my pension and ISA.

he keeps saying how great it is that we won't need to pay for holiday childcare (which saves about £1k)

Have you reminded him of this?

Yes, he is an additional cardholder on my credit card.

His argument is that he saved the bulk of the money and so who am I to tell him he can't spend it.

But it's the DC that will suffer if I leave him to it, isn't it? I may leave him to the toiletries

How old are the kids? Mine are mid-primary and can pack clothes for themselves, with prompts before on special things to consider (weather, activities) and a check after.

Also? This is not a case of “suffer”. They’re off on holiday with a parent who lives to flash the cash. They won’t go without!

His argument is that he saved the bulk of the money and so who am I to tell him he can't spend it.

That’s a gloves-are-off statement if how he sees your partnership if ever there was one.

Sorry, OP. But he sounds like a shit. If you got divorced the courts & lawyers could tell him how to spend it instead.

@Herocomplex I completely agree with you. He's behaving like a a selfish childish entitled arse and a lot needs to change. But he's not going to change who is he as a person overnight. OP needs to prioritise their finances and once that's on track she'll have some breathing room and headspace to look at the person she is married to and decide what comes next.

And yes, get the cleaner back. I agree, it's a drop in the ocean of the money he is wasting and it will give you some actual practical help and relief during a time of stress.

My eldest DC is 9 and ought to be able to pack for himself but he is pretty useless - he loses stuff, needs reminding etc. Youngest is 5.
DH would just buy them new clothes and usually just buys anything he needs at the airport anyway.
I think I am pretty controlling - I am trying to stop that/ recognise when I am doing it.
I kind of agree about him being able to spend what he sees fit - he did save the money and he saved it for exactly this purpose, for a rainy day. He never questions what I spend.

His argument is that he saved the bulk of the money and so who am I to tell him he can't spend it.

What a prince. Who was caring for his children and keeping his home and enabling him to go out earning that money? Who put their own career (which started on equal footing to his) on the back burner to support him?

I repeat. What an arse.

I'm starting to think the best way to protect the savings is to divorce him and take the bulk of them with you.

My DH was pretty much the same with each of his redundancies but did not earn anything near like yours.
I am also the cautious one with money. I don’t like to shop.
I used to do all family finances until his last redundancy then handed things to him. He was so confident about getting a job, that he did not want to change the way he spent.
This was until he had depleted all our savings, including the $3 grand I had put aside to take DC to Sydney to meet my elderly uncle.
I was livid. DC never got to meet uncle before he passed away.
Finances changed that day, we now have savings to see us through a year, any spend over $300 is approved by both and budgeted and saved for.
I understand your fear and wish you the best.
DH threatens to quit, but looking at friends a similar age who have been unable to find work for the last few years, he made him more cautious.
Good luck

OP it is not a 'rainy day'. You can't control the weather, this isn't rain - it's him pouring water on your heads.

£7k + on an impromptu tennis holiday is not a 'rainy day' scenario. He is not in a 'rainy day' headspace at all.

Oh and I have decided to get a cleaning company in to do a thorough clean of the house the day before they get back from holiday - I am going to work FT for the next two weeks anyway. I might even get a gardener in too.

Op how often do you buy new clothes and where from?
Costs me about 50 /70 winter shop and same spring summer and that's alot of indulgence there too... And I use mainly tu and h and.m.

As perspective, I put away 40 a month for me.

That covers the occasional blow dry I get on the rare occasion I go out. And the few eyebrow and underarm etc wax.

Maybe you both need to totally review everything.

I wouldn't push or punish your dh just yet. He's carried bulk of work pressure for a long time, the time he has right now is incredibly precious. He may get job next week then it's all over.

Let him enjoy himself and once it's normal for him (being off) and he's relaxed off the rat run, then start to talk about budgets and long term finances.

I imagine he's emotionally all over the place and needs space to calm down.
Your roof over head is secure and that's the main thing.

You can choose to worry or choose to relax and right now I'd relax.

You can't be that controlling if he thinks it's ok for him to book a weeks holiday for him and the kids in the summer and not include you I know you don't have annual leave but still, that's besides the point). I would be raging of my OH thought it was ok to do that, regardless of finances!

It seems you have trained him, enabled him to do x and literally suddenly with the emotional wrench of redundancy you want him to suddenly to y.

First it's good idea to hold his redundancy pay somewhere like premium bonds and pay each month what his salary would be.

Have spreadsheet for all essential bills, then left overs. Funnel all left overs into different pots /funds. Each month.

Be realistic and cut back.

What's left from holiday funds, birthday, Christmas, saving for car expenses, saving for general, emergency, per month dispense small amount for fun.

Work out fun every week and food. Keep inside food budget eg use ocado. On line.

Once it's all pinned down, you can adapt it for tougher times.
Give him time to adjust and time to do things.
Let him get this wild time out of his system, and after the holiday when he is calm show him your spreadsheet, this is how long we can exist with blah...

Ask him to shop around for cheaper household bills, say you suggest blah as weekly money, and go from there there.

Ask him could he help by doing x y z specific jobs on cleaning and which day, ie carpets need hoovering every day, kitchen surfaces... Washing...

And specifically pin pont what he needs to do other days.

I have taken the DC away - I do most summer holidays. I usually take unpaid leave. I can't very well say no!

I buy clothes rarely - even with his previous salary I spent less than £100 a month on my clothes, mainly Zara, topshop, oasis, H&M. I currently average £100 a month on mine and the DC's clothes which I take from "my" spends. I get my hair cut and coloured every 6 weeks which is £100. I am Mediterranean and so have to get waxed regularly which is another £60. I have a back issue so go to an osteo every 3 weeks which is £50. I have to pay £15 a week to park near work. I buy the DC dinner at the gym cafe once a week because swimming lessons finish late, another £15 once I include a coffee for me. It doesn't go that far!

Let him enjoy himself and once it's normal for him (being off) and he's relaxed off the rat run, then start to talk about budgets and long term finances.

He’s been laid off since early this year - he’s had months to relax, and has done so. The issue for OP is that he refuses to discuss reining it in, at all.

Well, this thread is a rollercoaster.

My main concern is if he is willing to take a job that pays less? He sounds like a man that knows his selfworth. Is he willing to take a paycut and only earn 100k? That is a shit ton of money for an average person but will he feel like a step back and refuse to accept anyhting below £200k?