Ex MIL!!

[User5321]

New to MN - 1st post.

I have just received an email from my ex’s mother saying she will no longer be allowing DS (her DGS) into her home. The reason she has given for this is that she’s constantly having to readjust her life to accommodate DS.

My ex is living with her just now. I have tried and tried to sort a routine with him as to days and times he takes DS. He’s not interested. He contacts me on random days and says he can’t take DS on this day or that day but will take him XYZ. If I don’t agree he threatens me with legal action.

According to ex’s mother in this email, she’s never made aware of when DS will be at hers and she finds out at short notice, meaning she often has to cancel plans or rearrange her life to suit DS being there.

She said she will allow DS back of there is a legal arrangement put in place detailing dates and times my ex will have DS, then she knows not to make plans for those times and won’t have to rearrange things at short notice. She’s basically said she’s still allowing my ex to live there but not have his son there until there is a legal agreement in place.

Is she BU?

Do you want ex to have son?

She is being reasonable to want a routine, but she is being unreasonable to complain to you.

I think she's speaking to the wrong person. She should be taking this up with her DS - not you. I'm guessing he blames you for the haphazard nature of your son's visits. Anyways - who she refuses entry to her home is neither here nor there - her house her issues. I'd ignore it.

However, moving forward for the sake of yourself and your son I'd want a formal arrangement in place with regards to access. It will make your life so much easier.

She should be speaking to her son, not you. I don't understand why she has to rearrange her life, isn't his Dad looking after him when he's there? Why does she need to be in the house?

No.

It is unfair on your DS firstly and then on your ex-MIL and yourself secondly, your ex is a a-hole.

All of you should expect your ex to have regular agreed contact with your DS as it is in your DS's best interests to know when he's seeing his father so they can have a good relationship.

I would stop offering your ex contact and let him take you to court. He won't as you have to do mediation first.

I don't understand why she's telling you.

That's a conversation she should be having with her son. Absolutely nothing to do with you.

Ha! Just email her back and say, ooops, I think you meant to send this to your son! Because he is the one that dicks his son about with arrangements.

She should be directing that complaint to her son, it's actually nothing to do with you.

And don't give in to your ex. A consistent routine is good for children, and his threats of legal action are hot air.

Your ex is the one BU. Why on earth does his mother need to be there? Is your ex incompetent? Can he not look after Ds himself? I wouldn't agree to his demands of having Ds when it only suits him. Let him take you to court. Its only going to show him up as the asshole he is. And keep that email to show that his own mother stopped your Ds from visiting.

Why can't she make plans? Is he so shit she needs to handhold him the entire time he has contact?

Can I just ask, why does she need to alter her plans if dc is with his dad? They both sound twats to be honest.

I think your Ex is maybe telling her that YOU keep changing the arrangements. I would email back, saying 'Wonderful, at least me and DS will know where we stand now too, as we have had to put up with constant changes in arrangements, and is is disruptive for DS'

As for Ex, keep a record of all times he switches, then tell him to feel free to take it to court.

I agree with the PP’s who say she’s telling the wrong person. Upto her DS to sort this.

This could work in your favour. You could agree with her that it would be good to have clear designated days and you are happy to support that. She might be able to enforce a routine when you haven't been able to. Maybe she could be involved in the setting of the schedule and taking him whether ex is there or not.

He’s telling her it’s your fault that it’s that way. I would email her back and let her know the dates he has your ds is entirely down to him and tbh I think she’s right, you need a formal arrangement that is a regular routine for your DS sake. Perhaps she could assist in convincing her son to take a regular routine? It doesn’t have to be court but if they take that route then your evidence of messages from him changing the dates will look better for you than it would do for him. A reasonable request would be one or two nights every other weekend.

I'd reply

"You've sent this to the wrong person, take this up with your son"

@User5321 How old is your son?

Yes I want him to have his son! I have tried and tried to sort a routine with him and he refuses. I asked him if we could put in place a written agreement and he replied saying - he wasn’t interested and who did I think I was, fucking judge Judy!

He’s now contacted me and said any contact he has with DS from now on will have to be in my home - he will come to my home to look after DS for a few hours and let me get out to the gym or whatever.

I would respond with something akin to YOU would also like a regular routine for DS to go to her's; but as HER DS keeps changing/cancelling plans at the last minute, which also causes you to have to adjust your plans, she should be talking ti him about it, and not you.

Assuming you want to get your useless ex to sort his shit out and have a proper routine seeing his child, could you get your ex-MIL on-side and get some leverage that way? It is not at all beyond the bounds of possibility that he has told her that you are the one being difficult and this is why she has sent her (frankly horrible) email.

I would reply to her with part of your OP: “I have tried and tried to sort out days and times he takes DS. He is not interested. He contacts me on random days and says he cant take DS on this day or that day but will take him on XYZ. If I dont agree he threatens me with legal action”

She is complaining to the wrong person!

Oh and your ex-MIL can simply agree with you to have your DS once every week/two weeks for a few hours e.g. afternoon but she will be solely responsible for your DS. This is so your DS and her can have their own relationship.

But as your ex, her son, is clearly misleading her this may be hard to arrange.

I'd email back telling her it's nothing to do with you, her son is the one chopping and changing. I too am of the opinion that he is telling her you're the one changing dates etc.

Is she the one actually looking after your ds when he's there?

Why does she have to be there all the time when your son visits his father? It's not like she will never see him. He's going to see his dad, if she is in that's a bonus but if she has plans to go out she should go and see her grandson another time.

Your ex is the one who should be sorting this out, not you, and ex should be more consistent.

I agree. Tell her it's a fantastic idea and you support that 100%. Your son needs stability and any help she could give would be appreciated.

OP tell your ex he is not coming to your home. It is an intrusion and will make you feel unsafe.

He needs to meet you in a neutral location and take your son either to his mother's or somewhere else.

Firstly you need to email her back and tell her to take it up with her son

Secondly do not let him into your home, it’s your and your sins safe place. If you tell him no and he threatens you with legal action, reply with ‘great, I’m happy to let the courts decide on days, times and locations. Then tell him to contact your solicitor.

Thirdly you need to get a court order in place (your MIL might have a point), this will enable you and your ds to know the days and times he’ll gave him, AND he then can’t threaten you with legal action to get you to change plans.