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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL!!

105 replies

User5321 · 30/06/2019 19:47

New to MN - 1st post.

I have just received an email from my ex’s mother saying she will no longer be allowing DS (her DGS) into her home. The reason she has given for this is that she’s constantly having to readjust her life to accommodate DS.

My ex is living with her just now. I have tried and tried to sort a routine with him as to days and times he takes DS. He’s not interested. He contacts me on random days and says he can’t take DS on this day or that day but will take him XYZ. If I don’t agree he threatens me with legal action.

According to ex’s mother in this email, she’s never made aware of when DS will be at hers and she finds out at short notice, meaning she often has to cancel plans or rearrange her life to suit DS being there.

She said she will allow DS back of there is a legal arrangement put in place detailing dates and times my ex will have DS, then she knows not to make plans for those times and won’t have to rearrange things at short notice. She’s basically said she’s still allowing my ex to live there but not have his son there until there is a legal agreement in place.

Is she BU?

OP posts:
CruellaFeinberg · 30/06/2019 21:46

any contact he has with DS from now on will have to be in my home - he will come to my home to look after DS for a few hours and let me get out to the gym or whatever.

Bollocks to that!!!!

Original poster
User5321 · 30/06/2019 21:57

@Jellybeansincognito

Where did I say I was pushing contact?

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 30/06/2019 22:22

Your whole op? He sounds uninterested and it sounds like you’re the one pushing for it. Instead of letting it naturally fizzle out. They both sound awful.

Original poster
User5321 · 30/06/2019 22:32

I’m not pushing for contact at all. If he didn’t contact me for access to DS I wouldn’t bother my arse with him. I don’t ever contact him and suggest he sees DS but he does contact me when it suits him and threatens me with lawyers if I don’t bow down to his demands. So I’m trying to put a routine in place for the sake of my son, so he isn’t being pulled from pillar to post all the time.

OP posts:
MollyButton · 30/06/2019 23:00

What you need to do is set a routine - simply DS is available from 5 to 7 on Wednesdays and Saturdays. After a month of regular contact at those times we will review it.
Then if he doesn't turn up then he doesn't get contact.
And if he wants to go to court then let him. If he threatens then tell heim to go ahead.
But do keep records of what you offer and his responses, of when he turns up for contact (and he can take your son to MacDonalds if his mother won't accommodate them any more).

Limezested · 30/06/2019 23:09

How old is ds

Soconfusedandlost · 01/07/2019 08:52

We had a similar situation with my nephew's mum. He told us that she was only allowing him to see the baby once a week for 2 hours in her house. This meant one of us had to drive him as he was too lazy to learn and no public transport nearby. We were always told off afterwards for holding the baby as he should get all baby cuddles as he was the dad or being friendly with his ex.

As this continued until after my nephew was 1,it was starting to strain things so my mum (who is a "fixer" which is annoying but she's mine) messaged her asking about opening up the contact.

The mum replied along the lines of "that sounds fantastic and I'm so glad you've suggested it as I didn't want to push you into anything you weren't ready for as (my brother) keeps putting off having son overnight at your house. What days work best for you and the family?"

She was very positive and didn't slag brother off, just said he hadn't felt ready. We knew that he was a lazy shit and that's why and he wanted her back which was why he wanted contact in her house.

We worked out a plan for contact that involved us and we took responsibility. So if my brother was busy and couldn't see his fault then we had him anyway. Brother rearranged his stuff to see his son or he missed out.

Nephew is now 9 and all contact is at my mums. All arrangements are made between my mum and nephew's mum. My brother and his son love each other but he is not a dad, just like a best friend.

So my advice is don't slag her sin off but make a plan with her, by text or email so it's written down, based on her schedule and she is in charge of making sure her son is there. If he isn't, then she gets DC. Me, my nephew and my mum have a beautiful relationship and we are close to his mum and her other children with her new partner. It can be done but it takes time and patience

llangennith · 01/07/2019 09:26

@User5321
How old is your son?

TheBigFatMermaid · 02/07/2019 21:53

whether it’s my fault or his, she will be restricting her access to DS until there is a legal agreement in place and he will not be allowed back into her home

Loosely translated as I don't believe you, I believe my son and I think I am going to be able to punish you for this by not having your son in my house, because I am a stupid cunt who does not realise I am cutting my nose off to spite my face and will lose my relationship with my GS because of my sons lies

Not your loss! Hers!

Original poster
User5321 · 02/07/2019 22:21

@TheBigFatMermaid

You honestly could not have put it any better. Describes the situation exactly!

OP posts:
Genevieva · 02/07/2019 22:34

It sounds like you are on the same page as her in many respects.

Tell her that her DS keeps changing plans at the last minute. Ask if she wants to see her DGS because, given her son's track record, this will not happen if she waits for him to honour a regular pattern. Ask if she might help you persuade her DS to make a regular commitment that fits in with her own routine. You will do your best to accommodate the schedule she suggests, because it is important to you that your son has a relationship with his Dad and his paternal grandparents.

MonkeyTrap · 02/07/2019 22:36

Email her back and say that’s exactly what you want - speak to your son!

RageAgainstTheVendingMachine · 02/07/2019 22:42

E-mail to her as he clearly is lying to her:
I couldn't agree more. Totally with you. Have asked your son to make a regular and stuck to contact agreement in writing but he refuses. He has threatened to take me to court if I don't allow access spontaneously even though this lack of consistency does not help you, me or DS. He has now said access must take place at mine. This is unacceptable - like you, I want to be able to plan my life and not be forced out of my home whenever your son feels like visiting.

E-mail to him:
Your request for flexible/spontaneous contact does not help keep your son in a routine and the sporadic unplanned nature of the access is not in his best interests. Your mother has requested that you stick to a regular contact time at her home and I think her request is reasonable. You will not be having contact visits in my home.
Please let me know which day/time for regular contact you would prefer and I will sign that agreement otherwise a court will have to fix times which will cost money.

MoreHairyThanScary · 02/07/2019 22:47

No way!!! He does not get to tell you he his using your home girl contact ..... no way.

This is a foot down moment he pushes this boundary and he will continue to push!

ChuckleBuckles · 03/07/2019 09:39

any contact he has with DS from now on will have to be in my home - he will come to my home to look after DS for a few hours and let me get out to the gym or whatever

this combined with the constant changing of dates and times to see your DS tells me that this is a ploy to ensure that you never move on from ex. He doesn't want you to move on and is blaming you to his mum also. I say tell them both to fuck off and go the legal route for access. Neither of those arseholes are interested in what is best for your DS.

Original poster
User5321 · 03/07/2019 10:02

@ChuckleBuckles

Yes that thought did cross my mind but he makes out he hates me so much, I don’t know if he chops and changes all the time just to try and piss me off.

He contacted me on Monday asking what I wanted to do about DS - did I want him to come to my home and look after him for a few hours. I replied saying:

“I’m not allowing you into my home, so if you want to see DS then I suggest you make alternate arrangements e.g. take him out for a while”

He changed the time (again) from 4:45pm to 5:30pm but did come and get DS and took him shopping for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
ComeAndDance · 03/07/2019 10:11

Do you want him to see your dc at all?

If not, I woud be tempted to say
'Ds needs consistency in when he sees you. at the moment, he is always pushed from pillar to post ans this is not good for him. he needs a clear schedule as to when he sees you. These are the days and hours you will have your ds. '

And I would leave him going to Court if that doesnt work for him.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 10:12

How old is he OP?

Original poster
User5321 · 03/07/2019 10:54

He’s 3

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 11:13

I wouldn't allow a 3 year old to go out for a few hours shopping at 5:30 at night.

You have the right to demean d that he takes his parenting time during the times that suit your child.

CruellaFeinberg · 03/07/2019 11:22

@Contraceptionismyfriend
I wouldn't allow a 3 year old to go out for a few hours shopping at 5:30 at night.

why not? spending time with a parent is spending time together (not linked to the ex's bad behaviour obviously)

Contraceptionismyfriend · 03/07/2019 11:27

I have a three year old. And for me personally 5:30 is to late.

That's wind down time. Dinner is around 5-6 so if he said i want to take him out to dinner and bring him back that's fine.

But a few hours shopping. No.
My DD would come back over tired and upset.

Original poster
User5321 · 03/07/2019 11:45

My son doesn’t come back tired and upset or tired but I do prefer 4:45 till 7/7:30. He took him out from 5:30 till 7:30, which was fine for DS

OP posts:
Youwanapizzame · 03/07/2019 11:56

Next time he threatens you with court - let him. He wont bother. And if he does you might get the routine you need

Original poster
User5321 · 03/07/2019 12:10

Just has the CMS on the phone saying he called them this morning to say he has DS 2 nights a week! I asked him why he called them and said this and he said because he is hoping to have his own place to move into at the end of this month and plans on taking DS 2 nights a week. Jesus wept 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts: