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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL!!

105 replies

User5321 · 30/06/2019 19:47

New to MN - 1st post.

I have just received an email from my ex’s mother saying she will no longer be allowing DS (her DGS) into her home. The reason she has given for this is that she’s constantly having to readjust her life to accommodate DS.

My ex is living with her just now. I have tried and tried to sort a routine with him as to days and times he takes DS. He’s not interested. He contacts me on random days and says he can’t take DS on this day or that day but will take him XYZ. If I don’t agree he threatens me with legal action.

According to ex’s mother in this email, she’s never made aware of when DS will be at hers and she finds out at short notice, meaning she often has to cancel plans or rearrange her life to suit DS being there.

She said she will allow DS back of there is a legal arrangement put in place detailing dates and times my ex will have DS, then she knows not to make plans for those times and won’t have to rearrange things at short notice. She’s basically said she’s still allowing my ex to live there but not have his son there until there is a legal agreement in place.

Is she BU?

OP posts:
womaninthedark · 30/06/2019 20:38

I agree. Tell her it's a fantastic idea and you support that 100%. Your son needs stability and any help she could give would be appreciated

This ^

I think she's having trouble with her son being capricious about access. Her 'having to be there' will be about the son not taking responsibility as a father.

Certainly don't facilitate access visits at your house. He can't insist on that.

Get it all sorted through the courts, so he has nothing to beat you with.

ChicCroissant · 30/06/2019 20:42

I agree with the PP who have said that you should email her back saying this is exactly what you would like to do, and what is her son going to do about it?

I don't understand why she has to change her plans though?

Michelleoftheresistance · 30/06/2019 20:48

Sounds like you and ex MiL are actually in agreement: this fannying about having ds as and when ex feels like it with no warning is messing all three of you about unacceptably and it can't go on.

Agree with PPs, tell MiL you absolutely agree and are having the same problem. Tell ex absolutely NO to contact in your house, he no longer lives there and this man is controlling you way too much already. And tell ex that yes, going through court and sorting out set dates for steady, predictable contact sounds like the best idea and his mum would find that much better too, so he can crack on with organising that. Tbh, it sounds like it will actually be you and ex MiL organising and doing contact anyway.

eggsandwich · 30/06/2019 20:49

Ex mil I would say you need to communicate this with your son as he’s not the most reliable of people when it comes to seeing his son.

I would tell ex that no invitation has been extended to him to parent his child in your home so he will need to look else where.

ComeAndDance · 30/06/2019 20:49

Yes your MIL should have talked to her own son (I suspect she did and didn’t manage to go further than you did so you are now her second attempt at making things work for her too).

And no, no way you’re ur ex will see the dc at YOUR house. It’s not up to you to do that. He is going to turn up whenever he wants and then demands to see his son etc...

And yes, going to Courts for an arrangement re contact might be the best thing you can do. Fir yourself and for your dc.
Stop facilitating all his wants. Your ex sounds like a spoiled child that is having a tantrum as soon as he doesn’t get what he wants. Yu need to start standing up to him.

Haffdonga · 30/06/2019 20:51

why don't you just get a flippin legal agreement?

Presumably because a legal agreement isn't worth the paper it's written on if the ex doesn't want to turn up at set times and wont stick to it.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2019 20:53

I wouldn't bother replying to exMiL. She isn't going to listen to or believe anything you say anyway. But I would forward the email to your exH with 'you will need to work this out with your mother as her not allowing DS into her home is your problem, not mine'.

I'd also tell exH that he will need to make other arrangements to see DS because coming into your home to see him is NOT an option and will NOT be happening. And if he has a problem with that you are more than willing to go to court and/or mediation to work out something legally that is satisfactory to both of you.

Be prepared for him to say you are being 'obstructive'. You aren't. Be prepared for him to refuse to see DS to punish you and make you feel guilty. Don't buy into that. Standing strong now will benefit DS massively in the future.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 30/06/2019 20:53

Her son is a prick and she knows it. Her issue isn't with you or her Grandson, it's with her son behaving like an arsehole. She needs to take that up with him and enforce rules with him, not you.

Your Ex can't force you to let him into your home. He also can't force you to dance to his tune; stand your ground and let him do a little growing up.

Original poster
User5321 · 30/06/2019 21:06

I’ve responded saying I totally agree that an agreement/routine needs to be put in place and I have continually tried to do this with her son but he’s not interested.

I’ve given her examples of all the times he has chopped and changed over the last couple of weeks.

She emailed me back saying whether it’s my fault or his, she will be restricting her access to DS until there is a legal agreement in place and he will not be allowed back into her home.

I feel bad for DS that his gran is banning him from her home and has said she won’t be seeing him for the time being due to her sons shitty behaviour.

OP posts:
Michelleoftheresistance · 30/06/2019 21:06

Agree with Haff that if ex does go to court and sort out a plan for contact he probably will want to mess with it constantly. However you will then be in a position to refuse. There are dates. They are arranged. Ds will be made available. No to messing around and changes. And if he wants to take you back to court over that, he'll get zero sympathy from a judge.

Original poster
User5321 · 30/06/2019 21:06

I’ve also messaged him back saying under no circumstances will I be letting him into my home.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 30/06/2019 21:11

Well done op... I’d be tempted to email the MIL back and acknowledge her email, and state any agreements about her contact with dgc are between her and her ds.

flobella · 30/06/2019 21:15

They sound like a shower of bastards. Your poor son!

Cut off contact until he does ‘take legal action’ - it will work in your favour to go through the court system and get a formal agreement put in place. Front him out and let him learn the hard way that you are not bluffing - he is trying to intimidate and control you.

You deserve to know where you stand and to be able to make plans - this is your life too and this is key to you moving on and moving forward with your life. Your son also needs the stability of a routine. Your ex sounds like a cheeky fucker who needs to be taught the world does not revolve around him.

thedevilcamefromthehimber · 30/06/2019 21:15

I wouldn't want my child around people that don't seem to care about them.

Nanny0gg · 30/06/2019 21:21

Does he pay maintenance? Have you seen a solicitor?

RandomMess · 30/06/2019 21:23

Geez do most of these men read the same book. What an ass he is.

HappyLoneParentDay · 30/06/2019 21:23

Temporarily withhold access and look at mediation. He's not putting your son first

Supersimpkin · 30/06/2019 21:25

ExMIL is sick of doing childcare for DS while he's 'with his DF'.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/06/2019 21:25

whether it’s my fault or his, she will be restricting her access to DS until there is a legal agreement in place and he will not be allowed back into her home

I feel bad for DS that his gran is banning him from her home

I'm not surprised your ex is a twat. It sounds like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

HappyLoneParentDay · 30/06/2019 21:29

@User5321She emailed me back saying whether it’s my fault or his, she will be restricting her access to DS until there is a legal agreement in place and he will not be allowed back into her home.
She doesn't believe you that it's her son causing the issues here. She thinkers you....

Regardless, I'd be replying saying "Who do you think you are speaking to me like that?! I'm not at fault here and I'm the mother of your grandchild! Show some respect!!"

Honeyroar · 30/06/2019 21:32

It sounds like she’s at the end of her tether with his parenting skills and fed up that she’s having to do what you used to put up with, but that she can’t face up to the fact that it’s her son’s fault so she’s trying to blame you instead.

I think I’d email her back and say thanks for the reply, but her arrangement between her and her son isn’t your concern anymore, and that hopefully things will be better when a court ruling is in place.

Whathappenedtooursummer · 30/06/2019 21:32

The thing I see is Mil using you to force her ds to step up.
When ds is there her ds is a useless twunt of which you know already. He isn't having a relationship with his df, just Mil.
I was the Mil having dgs 3 days a week and ds hardly saw him at all due to feud with ex . Dil just wanted rid of him and not matter to whom. I stepped back and ds has dgs a lot more now. If your ex won't parent after that it's bloody awful but I can see where she is coming from.
Although she hasn't explained it very well I agree.
Do not let him into your home!!

Original poster
User5321 · 30/06/2019 21:35

@HappyLoneParentDay

After she emailed saying that I emailed her back saying I had no interest in dealing with her or her son any further and she replies saying....

Trust me, the feeling is mutual!!

God knows what he’s been telling her but I’m really not interested in continuing whatever it is they’re doing. I’ve told him he will not be seeing DS is my home and he can take me to court if he wishes.

OP posts:
magoria · 30/06/2019 21:39

She is fed up of the same crap as you. Your ex pissing everyone around to suit him. She just doesn't believe it is his doing. She is his mother. She along with his dad have raised him to have the attitude that he comes first and sod everyone else.

Well done on telling him no to using your house.

Send him with her CCed in an email with every other weekend offered and maybe one evening a week. Be prepared to give initially to sort a routine. However when he then starts fucking around he can't see DS on the agreed days but he doesn't get yours in return. Unless it is for a really good reason agreed in advance not the day before.

Jellybeansincognito · 30/06/2019 21:45

Why are you pushing their contact? Especially if his mum is doing the childcare and needs to be there when your son is?

I don’t understand this at all, your kid comes first. Stop pushing contact with a parent that isn’t interested, that has to be more damaging than no parental contact surely?