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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex MIL!!

105 replies

User5321 · 30/06/2019 19:47

New to MN - 1st post.

I have just received an email from my ex’s mother saying she will no longer be allowing DS (her DGS) into her home. The reason she has given for this is that she’s constantly having to readjust her life to accommodate DS.

My ex is living with her just now. I have tried and tried to sort a routine with him as to days and times he takes DS. He’s not interested. He contacts me on random days and says he can’t take DS on this day or that day but will take him XYZ. If I don’t agree he threatens me with legal action.

According to ex’s mother in this email, she’s never made aware of when DS will be at hers and she finds out at short notice, meaning she often has to cancel plans or rearrange her life to suit DS being there.

She said she will allow DS back of there is a legal arrangement put in place detailing dates and times my ex will have DS, then she knows not to make plans for those times and won’t have to rearrange things at short notice. She’s basically said she’s still allowing my ex to live there but not have his son there until there is a legal agreement in place.

Is she BU?

OP posts:
Jeremybearimybaby · 30/06/2019 20:01

Dear ex MIL, take it up with your son.

Dear ex, yeah right! Never going to happen!

Flowers
Jeremybearimybaby · 30/06/2019 20:03

Legal action might be the best thing actually OP - it will put structure in place, and you'll (if everyone adheres to the agreement) know exactly when ex is having DC. It's not the threat ex seems to think it is.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 30/06/2019 20:03

I don't really understand why she needs to change her plans for this, it's your ex who's looking after DS not her!

That being said, the issue certainly lies with DP. How about mediation?

Original poster
User5321 · 30/06/2019 20:03

Yes I agree she should be taking it up with him and not me. I also agree that there should be a routine in place. As I say, I have tried and tried for this.

I don’t understand why she has to rearrange her life. He is the one who looks after DS and is very capable of doing so. A couple of weeks ago my ex told me his mother didn’t want DS there on nights where she had work the next day, which is fair enough so we agreed weekend contact would be best but he just won’t stick to anything. Then he contacts me on random nights asking if he can have DS for a few hours. That’s all he takes him for, usually from 6 till 9pm so I don’t get where this is coming from.

OP posts:
ATrampsVest · 30/06/2019 20:04

I actually think going to court would be the best option here. It would give him no more wriggle room and be more beneficial to your son to have set days for contact.

nauseous5000 · 30/06/2019 20:04

I think he's clearly told her that you're being obtrusive and because he's her little prince she's taken his side. I'd reply and say "Totally respect your position! I'd also like more routine for DS."

Then tell ex-H to sort himself out ffs and that care will not happen in my house

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 30/06/2019 20:05

Reply to her cc your ex. Say you entirely agree that it is in everybody’s interests to have to a regular schedule is place and how does x, y, arrangement suit them?

huuskymam · 30/06/2019 20:06

Email her back letting her know it's her beloved son who is refusing to stick to a routine. And ask did she raise such an incapable human being that her son cant look after his own child without her being present.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/06/2019 20:07

No!! Reply saying that you do not want him to be in your home. That his parenting time is to be taken elsewhere!
Don't think for him! He's a grown ass adult. He needs to work this out for himself!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/06/2019 20:10

I really wouldn’t allow contact in your home. Cut that idea off right away.

wevraver · 30/06/2019 20:13

Don’t let him have contact in your home. It’s your home! Tell him he needs to take DS out for a few hours. I’m sure there are parks, soft play and maccy ds around.

The fact his DM is so inconvenienced by your DS being there says she probably has to do the majority of the childcare.

If I don’t agree he threatens me with legal action.

Let him. I guarantee you 100% he won’t. Taking legal action requires dedication, effort and money. He doesn’t have the first 2, and as he’s living with mummy I’m guessing he doesn’t have the 3rd.

Grumpos · 30/06/2019 20:14

Let him take you to court for the formal access agreement - days / times etc.
It can’t be completely at his discretion, how are you and DS meant to have any kind of routine with him arsing about week in week out.
Sod that, tell him what days it’s suitable for you and DS and if he doesn’t like it then he can apply for court order.

wevraver · 30/06/2019 20:16

This ad hoc, last minute contact will continue in your own home too. Do you really want to be relaxing of an evening in front of the tv, and suddenly have to up sticks and piss off out because his highness has decided he wants to see DS that minute? Because that’s what will happen.

QueenofPain · 30/06/2019 20:17

I don’t think YABU and I don’t think she is BU either, Can’t the both of you now work together to get something establish legally, that meets the needs of all of the reasonable adults in your sons life, and his dad just has to fecking get on with?

Your ex is the problem here, for everyone involved.

Honeyroar · 30/06/2019 20:19

She sounds as fed up with your ex as you are. I'd reply that you agree, it would be best for everyone to have a set routine and you think that court would be the best way to achieve this. (It is, although probably not the cheapest, but what can you do if your ex is jacking about)

MollyButton · 30/06/2019 20:21

I agree you need to refer her back to her own son.
You need to tell him he is not welcome in your home, it is a safe space for you and your son - and his present would be confusing for your son.
And let him take legal action or take it yourself. The norm is often every other weekend and one mid week night.

WhatWouldChristineCagneyDo · 30/06/2019 20:22

let me get out to the gym or whatever

LET you ? Hmm

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/06/2019 20:24

He’s now contacted me and said any contact he has with DS from now on will have to be in my home - he will come to my home to look after DS for a few hours and let me get out to the gym or whatever.

Tell him to fuck off regarding that!

It is YOUR home - he has no right invade it, and there is no guarantee that he will not go through your private things.

This is a big NONONONONO!

Belfield · 30/06/2019 20:24

If your x MIL has to change plans to accommodate, it sounds like she is the one that is actually caring for you DC. I can’t see any other reason why she would be affected. Your x looking after your dc in your home at random times is inconvient I would imagine.? Maybe email back and say you don’t understand why she NEEDs to be there and you’d love a new agreement to be in place.

ThistleDownHair · 30/06/2019 20:25

I think there's little point trying to reason with him directly.

Take legal advice and let everything go through them - he needs putting in his place! Who does he think he is dictating when and where he'll look after your son? In your home indeed! I'd have none of it!

LittleWalnutTree · 30/06/2019 20:28

I'd reply saying that you couldn't agree more, and that you have tried loads of times to set up a consistent pattern, but it always seems to fall through and you don't know why. Tell her you'd love your ds to see his DGM and have a relationship with her, and you would be more than happy with whatever arrangements she would like to make.

She probably thinks it is you who is always chopping and changing and making things awkward. And the only reason she'd think that is because that what she's been told by your ex.

Haffdonga · 30/06/2019 20:30

Obviously shitty ex is playing you off against each other, He's blaming you to his mum for the erratic contact.

I'd reply, Hi MIL I'm sorry ds's visits are disruptive for you. I agree it would be much better for us all if ds had set regular contact time with his dad. It's a pity that ex refuses to commit to any regular times or to agree a set contact arrangement but I cannot control this. As you no longer want ds to come to your house and as ex is not able to maintain a routine it means going forward ds will no longer be able to see you which is a pity but obviously your and ex's choice . I would be happy to discuss set arrangements with ex as soon as he wishes to make a commitment to his son. Best wishes

Morgan12 · 30/06/2019 20:30

I'd tell them both to get to fuck. If he wanted to see his child enough he would tell his mum to do one.

Allhailthesun · 30/06/2019 20:32

Email the MIL and say you totally agree with her and there needs confirmation of the times his dad will have custody Say that likewise In is inappropriate for your ex to be in your house for that period he has custody.Whilst he’s welcome to pick up or drop off he needs to sort out his own venue that doesn’’t involve encroaching into your personal space,

And tell him the same.

.

Nearlythere1 · 30/06/2019 20:38

So, if he's threatening a legal agreement and you want set days, why don't you just get a flippin legal agreement? Why do women always cower when the man "threatens legal action"? I mean, first of all they're unlikely to do it and second of all it would actually solve your problems.