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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - What age is it not ok to fly alone? Should DH take MIL or not?

129 replies

exoticcats · 30/06/2019 14:27

What age would people say that an older person would need to be accompanied on a plane please. I’m asking for to MIL and we have this situation a lot.

I don’t mean to sound selfish, but DH is faffing and being non-committal about us booking a family holiday on the grounds that he has announced he will probably be in the Middle East for most of the summer due to work (but no definite dates as yet). Now, the week he does appear to have free is when MIL wants to go and see her other son in New York. Usually DH will take her in the plane, maybe stay overnight and then return and BIL will bring her back later and do the same.. MIL is now 71, no health complaints. AIBU to say to DH that he could maybe consider just taking her to the airport and checking her in etc? What do other people do in this situation?

OP posts:
deleteandrewind · 30/06/2019 17:35

I was expecting you to say she was 90 or so!

71 is nothing if in good health. Has she tried anything to improve er anxiety?

Your DH sounds very selfish. It isn't fair of him to prioritise everything over you and his children.

Original poster
exoticcats · 30/06/2019 17:36

It’s hard to work out with his mum if it’s a genuine anxiety or not really. She can be quite fixed, but they have their own family logic so I tend to stay out if it! I realise it seems a bit precious.
Yes I had suggested going there and then somewhere like Maine, but DH said he’s more likely to be able to join us if were in Europe as he’s going to be backwards and forwards to Saudi. I understand this, but I have 4 kids and just want to get a bit organised for the summer really.

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 30/06/2019 17:39

I did speak to him about priorities because he’s been on quite a few bike trips in the last few months. He sort of accepts this, but he says it’s not his fault about the work situation at the moment. So what can I say?

Interesting to see that the ‘work situation’ hasn’t impacted on his bike trips though. Hmm

Rezie · 30/06/2019 17:40

Does the MIL pay for his flights? That would make this weird scenario slightly better. Unless obviously the ticket prices are pocket money to you.

TitianaTitsling · 30/06/2019 17:42

he’s 'more likely' to be able to join us so even there he's still not saying he'll definitely join you!

Original poster
exoticcats · 30/06/2019 18:05

No he wouldn’t let his mum pay, but he sees our finances as all as one and the same,
The thing is, he probably will end up coming with us, but he’s always like this because he finds it hard to actually take a holiday, so he’s always very non-commital which is annoying.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 30/06/2019 18:13

What can you say well that he is a selfish bastard who prioritises his work cycling and mother ahead of his family and that one day he might look and realise his children are grown and don’t like him or see him as a father and his wife isn’t there either
Because that could very well be true OP particularly with his children

rookiemere · 30/06/2019 18:15

You've somewhat missed the boat for being organised for this summer Wink.

Listen your H is what he is and so is your MIL. You can't change him, you can only change your own reaction to him. So book a summer holiday that suits the rest of you - I'm thinking Neilson or Club Med would be good as the DCs are sporty I think and if H comes ( which he will if you just go ahead and do it) he can do some gruelling cycle rides to entertain himself.

Let your DCs have a holiday they can look forward to and take back control of the situation.

Original poster
exoticcats · 30/06/2019 18:48

Yes that’s what Im going to do. Thankyou so much!

OP posts:
cabingirl · 30/06/2019 19:24

It's not about age - unless they are actually flying the plane!

It's about how capable they are as an individual.

My DF is 78 and flies over to the USA from the UK at least two times a year on his own.

And my MIL flies all over the world on her own several times a year and she's also nearly 80.

Yesicancancan · 30/06/2019 19:29

If she’s got to fly. She’s fit to fly alone. Ffs I’d be ashamed of burdening my adult children.

Yesicancancan · 30/06/2019 19:29

Not “got to fly” “fit to fly!” Gahhh.

GetUpAgain · 30/06/2019 19:36

OP you sound very resigned to the fact your husband does what he pleases and you just what, hope for the best?

I see looking out for your parents as a positive trait, but the rest of it - prioritizing work and hobbies and assuming your other half will facilitate all that - as very negative and wouldn't want to be in an unequal relationship like that.

Am guessing your husband earns a fortune and you don't?

Weepingwillows12 · 30/06/2019 19:47

I don't think the issue is that his mum wants a companion for travel if your dh is willing. The issue is that he is willing to not commit to you in the one week he could commit and take her instead. Surely the conversation goes "sorry I can't do that week. Can anyone else accompany you or can you pick other dates". He clearly sees his mum as someone to prioritise over his own wife and kids!

RainOrSun · 30/06/2019 20:23

Any chance your holiday (and not the NY taxi journey) can be aligned with Eid?
Predicted to be 12/13/14 Aug, but if he deals with government departments, they will be looking to shut down 5-15 Aug.

Eastpoint · 30/06/2019 20:26

My father still flies to Italy for work every 6 weeks or so. He’s 76 and has his own business. My maternal grandmother flew to Texas to go to a party on her own at 84. It’s all about whether you actually want to go or not.

Weezol · 30/06/2019 21:22

He seems quite able to commit to his cycling holidays.

CherryPavlova · 30/06/2019 21:25

My eighty five year old neurotic mother in law flies quite regularly. Nothing to do with age.

timeisnotaline · 30/06/2019 21:45

. I did speak to him about priorities because he’s been on quite a few bike trips in the last few months. He sort of accepts this, but he says it’s not his fault about the work situation at the moment.
Well it’s 100% his fault that he spends his non work time prioritising himself. Does he think you’re stupid? He could have booked a family weekend away or day out instead Of one of those trips. Money doesn’t seem to be a big problem so I would 100% book something fun and easy the week he’s taking his mum to ny and say when he starts prioritising us id prioritise him again.

Original poster
exoticcats · 30/06/2019 21:58

He does like holidays once he actually gets there, though it takes him about 3 days to wind down. He has been known to fly off in the middle of holidays if there is a work situation. Once I was left with a six month old, two year old, four year old and six year old - and a swimming pool! He went off for 3 days and came back in high drama mode. He’s not very good in resort-type hotels unless there’s diving or sailing or paragliding in offer because he can’t sit still and he gets bored very quickly. It’s been like this for 20 years. He’s a contradiction because he’s always saying all he wants to do is spend time with his family before they grow up, but then he’s always iffy around prioritising it and this is what I do find annoying. Yet for instance, if he wants to go climbing or cycling he seems able to book that months in advance and schedule around it. His mum means well, but he will never say no to her. It’s not a competition, but sometimes I feel a little taken for granted. I’ll tell him; he will apologise, but then nothing really changes. Anyway, he’s away now and when he comes back I will have booked a holiday.

OP posts:
OrchidInTheSun · 30/06/2019 22:23

Your husband is not his mother's de facto partner now her husband has died. He has his own commitments - to you as his wife and his four children.

He is choosing however to overlook those commitments. He is an adult but he's not behaving like one and you're all behaving like he and his mother are being reasonable.

Can you imagine insisting that your adult son leaves his wife and FOUR children in his very busy loads-of-work-trips schedule to sit on a fucking plane with you at his own expense for 2 days because you don't like flying alone?

Funny how he expects you to be able to cope with 4 kids and a load of babies on your own but his mother is incapable of getting on a plane. This is a really fucked up dynamic

HerRoyalNotness · 30/06/2019 22:26

I thought you were going to say she was late 80s or something and in Ill health. No reason she can’t fly alone and if she doesn’t want to, we’ll shell have to not go. I don’t believe in pandering to people who don’t need it

MidniteScribbler · 30/06/2019 22:58

My 85 year old relative regularly travels by plane by herself, domestically and internationally.

Weezol · 30/06/2019 23:05

You have been putting up with this shit for twenty years? He treats you like staff, not like his wife!

timeisnotaline · 30/06/2019 23:22

I’ve got to say I can’t see why you’re still married. That leaving you on holiday with 4 small children and a pool would have been enough to end it and I can only assume there have been many more such events in between. Honestly it sounds like you would be crawling on the floor with d&v and 4 small children and he’s say im off cycling back next week, so if he has good points you’ve well and truly not shown them. When does he ever prioritise you? When he has genuinely spare time once every couple of years, is bored shitless and thinks oh I’ll do something nice for cats? (That’s not prioritising you by the way, it’s more remembering you exist )
Aren’t you worried your sons will grow up into self centred tossers who think their wives and children were created to revolve around them?

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