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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - What age is it not ok to fly alone? Should DH take MIL or not?

129 replies

exoticcats · 30/06/2019 14:27

What age would people say that an older person would need to be accompanied on a plane please. I’m asking for to MIL and we have this situation a lot.

I don’t mean to sound selfish, but DH is faffing and being non-committal about us booking a family holiday on the grounds that he has announced he will probably be in the Middle East for most of the summer due to work (but no definite dates as yet). Now, the week he does appear to have free is when MIL wants to go and see her other son in New York. Usually DH will take her in the plane, maybe stay overnight and then return and BIL will bring her back later and do the same.. MIL is now 71, no health complaints. AIBU to say to DH that he could maybe consider just taking her to the airport and checking her in etc? What do other people do in this situation?

OP posts:

CecilyP · 30/06/2019 16:22

71 - that’s crazy. I thought you were going to say she was in her 90s. Taking and collecting from the airport is a nice thing to do but an able bodied adult should be fine beyond that. . Especially as she has done the journey before.

Quartz2208 · 30/06/2019 16:24

This has nothing to do with age - my Nan flew to Australia to visit my Aunt every other year until she was 85

The problem is he wont commit to you his family but will drop everything for his mum

He is happy to spend the entire summer away but fits her in

AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2019 16:26

Does she actually have a diagnosed anxiety disorder or is she just a 'nervous traveler'? There's a difference. I'm early 60s and a nervous flyer but I certainly can handle the mechanics of getting dropped off and making my way through check in, security, etc and onto a plane.

My mum flew on her own well into her 80s. At the end of her 'traveling days' she'd ask me to accompany her to see my sister more for 'comfort' than out of necessity, but she would never have expected me to forego a family holiday and would always book her trips around our schedule rather than vice-versa.

I don't have a problem with your DH escorting his mum. But it should be done on your family's schedule and not his mother's. My mum usually went to see my DSis in the Autumn or late Spring, when school was in session, usually around a Monday holiday. It was much less disruptive, the weather was better where DSis lived and the kids in school meant that Mum and DSis had time to enjoy themselves together.

Why can't your DH's DB fly out and get Mum, then your DH fly to pick her up later on. Would that work better?

AmeriAnn · 30/06/2019 16:28

I was dropping someone off at an airport and became fascinated by this woman who was traveling alone. She had to be in her mid-90's. Later my friend told me she sat next to her on the flight and the woman was flying home from seeing her dying daughter for the last time. Very sad.

I dropped my mil off curb side at an airport. She was 78 at the time. I had an appointment I had to get to and anyway she was used to traveling all over the place, even driving from just south of the Canadian border to the Mexican border (Yuma) alone a few years before.

A few weeks later she had a life changing stroke but managed to live another 14 years dragging herself about with a walking frame.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 30/06/2019 16:31

My parents are that age, and I would LOVE to see their faces if I suggested they weren't fit to travel alone.

My DF just flew back from a meeting in Brazil. My mum will be flying to LAX, then getting a shuttle to some godforsaken place to meet her brother and their camping buddies.

My GF did need an escort in his 90s, but that was due to the macular degeneration.

itsgoodtobehome · 30/06/2019 16:31

My Mum is 75 and wouldn't think twice about flying on her own. I think you and DH are being a bit precious.

INeedAFlerken · 30/06/2019 16:33

Your MIL is being clearly the queen of the family and your DH is catering to it. Ridiculous.

Sadly, his priorities are definitely her, however much it impacts on you and your children. You have to decide whether or not you will put up with it.

darthbreakz · 30/06/2019 16:38

My mum is 73 and would tell anyone who said she shouldn't fly on her own where to go. That said, as I'm sure other people have said, it depends on the person.

zafferana · 30/06/2019 16:39

The problem is not that your MIL couldn't quite easily do this one flight on her own, but that she is now used to be pandered to and accompanied! There is no age at which a person has to have this 'service' provided by family members, it's totally up to the individuals concerned, but if you want to nip this in the bud I'd do it now, rather than wait until she's any older. If she's done the trip before umpteen times it's not like she doesn't know what to expect.

Apolloanddaphne · 30/06/2019 16:56

We only just started accompanying my FIL on holiday last year as he has mobility issues and can't get about without help and the use of a wheelchair. He is 91 now. In his early 70s he was still travelling alone to walking holidays in Switzerland.

Tuktuktaker · 30/06/2019 17:01

I'd pay for first class and VIP all the way through the airport at both ends for her, limo to and from the airport and so on. It's much less anxiety-inducing if you're sitting in the lap of luxury being waited on hand and foot at 32,000 ft.

Original poster

exoticcats · 30/06/2019 17:07

Thankyou everyone. Well he’s gone and booked flights for him and MIL now so that’s that. . I did speak to him about priorities because he’s been on quite a few bike trips in the last few months. He sort of accepts this, but he says it’s not his fault about the work situation at the moment. So what can I say? I’ll just book something and hope for the best.

OP posts:

Weirdpenguin · 30/06/2019 17:09

No one can give you an age guide as to when someone can fly alone, it is down to the individual.Some people would be nervous at any age, particularly if they rarely travelled others would be complettely confident at 90.

Snog · 30/06/2019 17:09

My mum and her sisters aged 82, 80 & 78 fly unaccompanied back and forth between the UK, USA and Australia with no issues.

Snog · 30/06/2019 17:10

I agree book her in on her own but club class.

TitianaTitsling · 30/06/2019 17:13

I can imagine it's a good chunk of your family holiday money for a layover (if that's right word?) flight to NYC to handhold for his mother. Is there any discussion or acceptance of that? Would he be happy with you taking £7-800 out of family budget with an 'im spending it, no discussion'? Has she ever offered to pay for it?

BlueCornsihPixie · 30/06/2019 17:19

It's nothing to do with age, my DGM and her brother both do similar flight regularly to see each other. He's 90 and she's 84!

Could she not use the extra money she's spending to upgrade her flights to make it easier for her?

I think your DH is being a bit of a selfish wanker. If she must have someone accompany her then she needs to work around their times rather than her own. Your DH needs to tell her that week is your family holiday. He's putting his mother's feelings above his family and that's not okay.

I can't imagine making someone travel to NYC with me just to drop me off!

Furrydogmum · 30/06/2019 17:20

My BIL's grandma flew unaccompanied to USA and Australia regularly into her 80's. Yours isn't an easy question to answer given it is anxiety that makes her want company.. I think your family unit holiday should be a higher priority to your DH though..

funnylittlefloozie · 30/06/2019 17:20

Clearly there are no money issues if he can afford to go to NYC as a day trip. Couldnt you all go to NYC, see the cousins and the new baby, and then have a holiday upstate or in Maine or something? That would be nice for everyone.

Furrydogmum · 30/06/2019 17:21

Just seen your last post - he's a selfish sod!

PlatypusPie · 30/06/2019 17:23

It’s nothing to do with age - she’s just got used to being cosseted and indulged by her family. Taking her to the airport and helping her with her bags until check in, waving her a fond farewell and then the other brother being there to meet her at the other end sounds like plenty of support for someone who is used to travelling and has done similar trips before , isn’t scared of flying itself, is healthy but who just hasn’t tried out doing it herself since her husband died.

thegreylady · 30/06/2019 17:24

Good grief! I am 75 and happy to fly alone. Dh is 83 and says he’d be fine with me but wouldn’t want to do any long journey alone.

Roussette · 30/06/2019 17:24

Bloody 'ell. What do some posters think happens when you get to 60 or 70? You don't become incapable. I am mid 60s and DH is older than me, similar to OPs DM. We fly seperately sometimes, it's not a problem, and we drive round Europe. 71 is not ancient !

My friend's Mum flies on her own and is 84.

Of course if she is scared of flying that's a different matter.

SrSteveOskowski · 30/06/2019 17:29

Have read through the thread and just seen your latest update OP.

Go and book a holiday for yourself and the DC's and tell your selfish bloody DH he can spend the time you're away with his precious mother

I'm pissed off on your behalf because my MIL is exactly like this and DH jumps through fucking hoops for her as well. We've had yet another argument over it because I've told him that I'm sick of it and that I've had enough of not coming first in his life because of her.

There's nothing actually wrong with her, but she pulls the 'poor little old lady' card (she's only a couple of years older than your MIL) everytime and like a fool, he falls for it. She has three other children, but he's always the idiot that does her bidding.

Sorry OP, didn't mean to take over your thread, but just to let you know that I do empathise and your not the only one who has a DH that won't stand up to his bloody mother.

cdtaylornats · 30/06/2019 17:31

I would suggest taking her to Shannon for the first leg as she can clear US Customs and Immigration there. That makes life easier at the far end.

Your DH can easily take her to Ireland and return the same day.

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