AIBU - What age is it not ok to fly alone? Should DH take MIL or not?

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What age would people say that an older person would need to be accompanied on a plane please. I’m asking for to MIL and we have this situation a lot.

I don’t mean to sound selfish, but DH is faffing and being non-committal about us booking a family holiday on the grounds that he has announced he will probably be in the Middle East for most of the summer due to work (but no definite dates as yet). Now, the week he does appear to have free is when MIL wants to go and see her other son in New York. Usually DH will take her in the plane, maybe stay overnight and then return and BIL will bring her back later and do the same.. MIL is now 71, no health complaints. AIBU to say to DH that he could maybe consider just taking her to the airport and checking her in etc? What do other people do in this situation?

She's 71 now, but it sounds like this has been the set up for a while, so not really age related.

Tbf, aged 65, Mum asked Dad to come out with her to visit us - in Saudi Arabia. After that first flight, she came out alone several times (she gets much more leave from work).

It's the anxiety that is the issue, not an issue about physically active septuagenarians travelling alone.

I think it depends on the older person but my mum is 70 this year and just finished treatment for stage 3 cancer in January. She makes the same trip between the US and U.K. to visit us 3 times a year. I even make her take the national rail bus and then 2 hour train to get to us instead of collecting her at Heathrow. She didn’t make the journey when she was actually doing chemo, but other than that it’s never been an issue.

If he wants to accompany her, that’s fine. But he needs to make family time somehow, if it means carving it out of work time, especially if he already has so much time to himself working away.

The thing is, she probably won’t go if he doesn’t take her.

Well this may sound harsh but that’s her choice isn’t it? It’s ridiculous for a fit adult to need babysitting on a flight.

My 2 aunts alternatively visited each other every year until the elder was 95. I would do the airport run in the UK and my aunts grandson would do the Canadian end.

I'd take her to the airport, get a chair and 'hand over' responsibility at the flight company desk, from where she would be looked after every step of the way until she was picked up at the other end.

There is an assistance code MAAS (Meet & Assist) that can be added to her booking by the airline. This should ideally be done 48hrs in advance, but can be done on the day at the airport and someone will escort her through security and to the gate and then someone will meet her from the aircraft at the other end. This is done for people who need a bit of help navigating the airport but don't need a wheelchair. This is a regular thing done for elderly people who cannot cope in the airport by themselves for whatever reason and nobody will bat an eyelid about it. There is no charge for it and it is not an inconvenience for anyone.

If the flying part is the problem then the code NERV can be used to identif her to the crew as a nervous flyer and they will accommodate this on board.

Both codes can be used if needed. These are pretty common things for airport staff to see and they come up several times a day.

Yes I think it’s part-anxiety and part habit. She’s always been like this and they’ve had to travel with her since her husband passed. It’s not a problem if she’s coming in holiday with us, but this summer she wants to see her other son because they recently had another baby and she will go for a month or so probably. So fair enough in that sense. But this time, I don’t know, it’s just another squeeze to factor in and I’d like us to have some time away as a family.

It is health dependent but one there comes so.e point in most people's 80s where flyi g alone becomes problematic. That said, UK airpirts do run an assistence scheme for elderly passengers, and those w disabilities. My dad used it - we handed him over and he was physically conveyed through security and dropped at the gate for his flight. He was then met at the other end, taken to fetch luggage, clear security and his nephew met him in the arrivals lounge.

She flies alone or she doesn't fly. Her choice.

It is normal to feel anxious before flying. My mother hated flying. Every time was like the first. But she flew internationally several times a year, and of course would have been happier if someone was with her, but it didn’t stop her.
Age is irrelevant if she’s in good health. Her anxiety and her dependence on her son is. If he wants to take her that’s his business. Sit down with your husband and work out the dates. Presumably she is more flexible than he is.

For the love of god why?

Because of anxiety. Or don’t you believe in that?

Does she have a diagnosis, and if so is she trying anything to manage it?

Anxiety as a condition can be horrendous, but the term 'I have anxiety' seems to be used incorrectly a lot over the last few years.

Feeling anxious about something and having Anxiety are two very different things.

I have anxiety and depression and think it is unfair of her to expect so much from others

My uncle is 83 and travels alone. He does have anxiety but he had to travel to see his son and he managed it a few times without bothering anyone else. I think this year is likely to be his last visit. He started at 75 and hadn’t been overseas before.

My PILs are early 70s and, despite some health issues, wouldn't need us to accompany them to the airport let alone fly over with them. Due to recent mobility issues they would probably book airport assistance. Before the more recent health issues they'd have needed no assistance.

My parents are younger - mid 60s and perfectly healthy and mobile so need no assistance at al. Think my dad would be somewhat bemused at the suggestion.

Anxiety can be a health condition though and that will complicate matters. However, can her other son not help in this case?

If she really wants to see her other son and his family, she'll have to go alone. That's all there is to it. I appreciate that anxiety can be crippling (I've got it, but under control now) but if she really wants to go, she'll overcome it. Good idea about your DH dropping her off and checking her in, that'll make it easier. He can also have a word and let the staff know that she's an anxious flyer and would appreciate extra attention on the flight.

Another suggestion: If she normally travel Economy, what about upgrading her to Business? She'll be more comfortable, smaller cabin so more attention from the staff, etc. It's probably no more expensive than booking a ticket for your DH and the ensuing inconvenience for him. Hope it all works out.

It doesn’t sound very fair. Where does your husband prioritise his family? He’s just told you his mum visiting his brother is more important than a family holiday. He should book and go on the family holiday and if he can also go with his mum another time or support her to go alone that’s his choice. Sounds like he’s more likely to cancel or rearrange work for her than for his wife and kids though so I’d point that out and say this is what’s happening.

My mum's 75 and flies alone although in recent years she's had to admit she needs the wheelchair assistance as she can't walk so far anymore. I agree with PP that is health not age that's the factor.

It would be nice for DP to take her to the airport and get her checked in but flying to NY for one night is silly.

71? That's still very young. My mother doesn't just fly alone at that age but go on trips abroad on her own booking herself into Airbnbs, rent a car and travels around. My MIL travelled on her own to her house abroad every winter until she was 85.

I love the understanding on MN! I'm 44, able bodied and with no health issues but won't fly on my own as I don't like flying. I refuse to travel for work and only fly for holiday as I have DH with me. Saying that, if it meant inconveniencing other people I wouldn't go.

My mum is 69 and I would be worried about her flying on her own, although I would hope an airport employee would see she was struggling both physically (she is in poor health) and with technology and where to go. I am quite sure most 69 year olds would be fine though, so it really is down to the individual.

Pink "Saying that, if it meant inconveniencing other people I wouldn't go."

well, that's the key point isn't it? My uncle would have liked someone to accompany him too, but it was too big an ask for anyone he knew. He certainly wouldn't expect anyone to give up a bunch of time and money to accompany him.

I don’t think it’s ‘normal’ in that most 71-year-olds aren’t in a position to have someone fly out to New York with them just so they don’t fly alone.

More important though - it sounds like your DH has already decided on what he’s going to do, and has just informed you of it? And you’re only just at the point of vaguely tentatively thinking you might suggest he changes his plans? I would worry more about that if I were you. You have every right to say “wait no DH, that way the children don’t get to go on holiday with you, let’s look into getting her some airside assistance or something”.

If you're who I think you are,then just leave him to it. Book the holiday your DD wants to go on and if he comes, he comes.

Look, the MIL wants someone flying with her. I don’t think there is any need to analyse why. It’s a fact. People are different.

In your position OP, I’d book your holiday starting the day after dh returns from escorting his mum. Whether he can be bothered to come or not is up to him. It’s a bit sad that he has no time for a family holiday at all. I hope for your sake that he earns a million quid a year or something if he’s selling his life away to that extent.

I do hope your MIL plans to at least pay for his ticket.

Rosa I was making the point (badly!) that, despite what a lot of people seem to think on here, not everyone wants to fly on their own. Many people can do it physically, but the thought of doing it stops them.