To feel upset by my teens friends mum dropping off food

[Pearlofthesea]

My teen DS (15) often has his gf over straight from school and although I’ll cook them both a main meal in the evening they complain they’re hungry and need ‘snacks’. I say no, wait until your dinner later (admittedly there’s not a great deal of snack type food in the house but there’s fruit).

It turns out the gf’s mum has been dropping off food bags to ‘tied them over’ until I get around to cooking in the evening. I’m not aware until recently as they sneak out the back to meet the mum in her car.

The bag contains sandwiches, crisps, fruit juice cartons, baby bels, cheese strings, pepperami sausages, grapes, strawberries etc, in my opinion really over the top!

AIBU to be upset and pissed off? This happens at least twice a week. My DS looks at me as if I should be grateful as he says gf’s mum is ‘helping out’ ?!

Purely my opinion, but l suspect the other mum is possibly trying to be diplomatic by not 'knocking on the door and handing over the food'. Or, (and they may not have gone about it the right way by the kids "sneaking out round the back" but) that may not have been the mum's idea. We don't know how that was orchestrated.
l think you're right to move your main meal to earlier, OP, then if they're hungry before bed, your son can maybe have toast or cereal and his GF can eat at home.
lt just sounds like a 'routine' has gone awry and needs a bit of tweaking. l'm sure the other mum isn't 'in a different league' to you, their family dynamic is just different, like any other family would be.
l really don't feel there's any degree of them thinking they're better than your family - if that was the case, l very much doubt they'd be so keen to entertain your son so much, or for their daughter to spend so much time at your home.
l agree with a lot of the previous posters - get some cheap but filling snacks in for after school, bring your evening meal forward, and the need for 'food parcels' will likely stop.
Good luck!

I would feel too embarrassed to meet the other mum, she’s in a different league to me.

Now look: this is not right. You need to lift your head up high and put these daft thoughts out of your head. Your son doesn't feel too ashamed to be the boyfriend. He goes to their house. They obviously think he's a fine boy. You raised him. Have pride!! Pride in yourself. Pride in what you've done and what you are doing.

Comparison is the thief of joy OP. There's people better AND worse off than you out there. You only get one life - don't spend it all bitter and twisted! Make friends with the woman. She's probably hoping to meet you.

It's extremely controlling and cruel, if you aren't careful op he'll be moving out as soon as he possibly can. Your feelings of inadequacy because you don't have a Range Rover or tidy house shouldn't be effecting his life.

Actually driving over with food to your house is just flipping weird and over invested.

Sticking loads of snack stuff into her school bag as a shared packed tea knowing you eat later and she’s eating your food... absolutely fine.

Please, stop trying to judge that she’s judging you. I’m quite well off and I don’t think anything negative about those on a tight budget. Well - apart from empathy as I’ve been there! My best friend has always been eye wateringly wealthy - she also doesn’t judge anyone on their income. I do understand why it makes you insecure, but it’s unlikely she’s a bitch.

So you aren't cooking at 9 because you're at work? You are home and available to do it at 6?

I could kind of understand it as being a necessity if you work late hours but to choose that time is utterly weird. How on earth did you think that's in anyway normal?

OP clearly isnt going to give the full picture. She wont answer things like

Why wait till 9, when you know he is hungry?

What are you doing until 9pm that cant be moved?

Is this the same 14 year old you posted about? This thread may give you some answers to your last thread about him.

Or do you not worry the relationship is very intense for their age?

There clearly alot going in ops household, but if she doesnt want to share, she womt get great answers

Seems absurd-unless your son has weight/health issues. My kids 14, 11 and 6, help themselves for after school snack. They’d all be starving and vile if I made them wait until dinner. The 14 year old also seems to have a hefty snack after dinner too - but he’s shot up this year so I figure he needs it!

He goes over her house for meals for most of the rest of the week.

Come on OP, you're winding us up.

It feeding dinner until 9 and forbidding snacks until then is actually abusive in my opinion.

Well then you don't know what abuse is 🙄

I don’t cook until about 9

Bloody hell, I’d keel over if I did that. It’s so bad for you to eat that late!

Why??

Surely you didn’t feed your kids at 9-9.30 when they were younger?

When did this start?

Really? You think expecting a teenager to go from a 12ish lunch until 9pm with no food at all isn't abusive??? Your bar must be set pretty low. Of course there's 'worse' abuse but it's not a race to the bottom.

Protein if I thought for one second you were genuine I would provide all information you asked. But I fear it will simply be more ammunition to be fired back at me.

Don't be ridiculous, some kids don't have food for days on end. Waiting till 9 o'clock for an evening meal is hardly abuse 🙄

You are going to push your son away if you aren't careful. He may well have picked up on your resentment already. They are clearly hungry and your son may have told them you might be upset about the snacks.

Your son is at an age when his priorities will naturally shift to the outside world and we all remember how cool other people's houses seemed at that age. You need to work on this resentment though as they may end up being together for a while yet or even being together as adults. People's circumstances are different, that's life and it doesn't make you worth any less than they are as a person.

I also noticed you say you eat at 9pm because you have always eaten late, but surely you changed this when your son was young as he'd have been in bed by then?

I would feel too embarrassed to meet the other mum, she’s in a different league to me.

You've met her daughter though. And the mum has met your son and not forbidden the pair of them to meet! Why do you think the mum will be anything other than nice?

It's not great tho, is it?

If you dint think I am genuine, that's your issue.

I am a single parent. I know budgeting is shit.

Theres far more going on that you want to say. Fine, but dont expect people to understand why you never came to the conclusion your child should be fed earlier if he is hungry.

What time you are happy to eat, is up to you. Knowing a child is hungry and not changing anything, is odd behaviour.

You obviously feel shit about your situation. I get it. But its making you defensive and assuming that everyone e just wants to upset you

Abuse??? Wow

What else would you describe knowing your child is hungry, but refusing to feed them and making they wait 9-10 hours between meals.....because you like eating late?

She's already said she's going to change it. Read the bloody thread.

My kids have always been ravenous after school.

OH was never home before 8pm, so making the kids wait was plain silly.
I would have a large meal ready for them to eat at 4.30/5pm, which they demolished. Didn't see the point in making them wait.
Usually had a snack before bed too, maybe toast/banana/pancakes etc. V Slim children btw.

Op you sound like you're trying your best. I understand what it's like.

Pearlofthesea
It's great you will get a few snacks in and have tea a little earlier. I think the cheaper snacks suggested (cheese/ beans /peanut butter on toast, milk etc) are more nutritious that crisps, sweets etc (as healthy seems to concern you). Get the value products and they'll be fine. Lots of us are watching our weight but growing teens do need carbohydrates and calories. Sincere question OP are your children thin/underweight? Have a look at an NHS BMI calculator (for young people) if you are not sure.

Where I think YBU is by judging the value of a person and how "good" a person or family are by their wealth. What message is that giving to your son? What effect is that having on your own wellbeing?

Your sons girlfriends mum is probably a lovely person but her wealth has nothing to do with it either way. She is only better than you and "out of your league" if you think the value of a human being is ranked by their bank balance - which I hope you don't.

Plenty of wealthy people who wouldn't cross the street to help someone. Plenty of "poor" people who care for others/volunteer/have specialist knowledge/are fantastic engaging company etc.

Your son has a loving mum who cares enough to question her decisions and seek advice and even admit when she might be wrong. He's lucky - not everyone has a loving home where teens are happy to hang out together.

Hold your head up high and be proud you have raised a lovely boy that his girlfriend's parents have been able to like and welcome into the family with open arms. Don't reject them/avoid them because of cars/money/snacks. You all love your kids.

Protein - you’re right there is a lot of shit going on, yes I have posted about my son previously.

You know what this forum is like - I’m not in a strong enough mental state to deal with the back lash right now.

I do accept I was wrong and I’m really trying not to be defensive.

Yes I think I do have answers to my previous thread - I have found subway wrappers under his bed!

I used to be out for a few hours each evening over a long period of time (I was caring for my mum who was terminally ill) so was in the habit of cooking later, the kids were being looked after by a neighbour who gave them adequate snacks. I guess as my routine changed back to being around earlier in the evening I hadn’t altered my habit of cooking late - as I’ve said I will alter that - seems obvious now I’ve written it down!

Sorry didn’t mean to say you weren’t genuine