To feel upset by my teens friends mum dropping off food

[Pearlofthesea]

My teen DS (15) often has his gf over straight from school and although I’ll cook them both a main meal in the evening they complain they’re hungry and need ‘snacks’. I say no, wait until your dinner later (admittedly there’s not a great deal of snack type food in the house but there’s fruit).

It turns out the gf’s mum has been dropping off food bags to ‘tied them over’ until I get around to cooking in the evening. I’m not aware until recently as they sneak out the back to meet the mum in her car.

The bag contains sandwiches, crisps, fruit juice cartons, baby bels, cheese strings, pepperami sausages, grapes, strawberries etc, in my opinion really over the top!

AIBU to be upset and pissed off? This happens at least twice a week. My DS looks at me as if I should be grateful as he says gf’s mum is ‘helping out’ ?!

This is one of those AIBUs that should have a vote.
OP "AIBU?"
Entire internet Yes you are!
OP no I'm not.

If the other mum was trying to help all she needs to do is knock at the fromt door or give the food to her dd. No need for sneaking around and clandestine meets

You have no idea what the ds has told her.

For a start she may not know it's a secret. The teens could have told her that OP knows.

Or ds may have said 'dont let my mum know. She already feels bad enough, that we domt have much money's

Fact is thos woman is feeding ops son substantial amounts of food 7 days a week. With her providing most evening meals you would think op found herself with extra money.

OP is this son the 14 year old you posted about before?

I'm sure you feel a bit hard done by OP. I'm a single parent of 3 and yes it's hard. But you don't 'own' your son and your jealousy is really apparent in your subsequent posts. You're not really covering yourself in glory here. Your hardship is not this woman's fault. I'm fairly sure she's just trying to be nice.

Jesus I'd be starving if I had to wait u TIL 9pm for tea without snacks!

I just find them over the top, like at Christmas and birthday they buy my son expensive hoodies and aftershave etc.

That's a normal Christmas present

Honestly, you sound 12 and riddled with envy. It's like you'd rather your son go without these nice things for your own pride.

OP, I feel this is one of those threads that where the mob mentality will take over with people trying to outdo one another in expressing how 'unhinged' they think you are.

-Buy some cheap carby snacks to have in
-Move dinner time to 6.30
-Tell your son that your gf's mother should ring the doorbell rather than creeping about
-Ask yourself if it's healthy that your son spends so much time with his girlfriend.

Job done.

"I may actually meet her parents at some stage"

I don't get this. You said her mum picks her up in a range rover. Don't you go and say hi when this happens? Pass the time of day with her?

“I’ve just always eaten later.”

But it’s not just you eating OP, so it’s not just about you. You’re not doing right by your child let alone your guest to make them starve. No wonder she’s dropping off snacks. And no wonder it’s done secretly as your bitterness is apparent.

*You have no idea what the ds has told her.

For a start she may not know it's a secret. The teens could have told her that OP knows.

Or ds may have said 'dont let my mum know. She already feels bad enough, that we domt have much money's*

Again, if she thinks op knows, why not knock at the door?

Personally, if my dd was going somewhere and wasn’t eating til 9 on a school night, and not being allowed/given anything to tide her over, i’d be saying weekends only. Or she comes home at 6 for tea, or she comes home for tea, eats and then goes.

Is the dd staying over on a schoolnight? Or going home at 11pm?

Ok I realise IABU, I will move main meal time to 6ish. As I’ve already said I will ensure that more food is available straight from school.

I don’t mean the jealousy or vitriol towards other mum, as I’ve already said she’s probably lovely- according to my son she’s ‘amazing’.

My own insecurities and frustration at my own life are causing me to over react and cloud my judgment.

I would feel too embarrassed to meet the other mum, she’s in a different league to me.

I know it's nice that she's helping out but I still think this is a very weird thing to do and I wouldn't like it. Why the secrecy? Just send DD with the stuff or knock on and hand over the bag of food. The secrecy is something a silly teenager would do

I agree and I’m surprised so few posters have mentioned this aspect. I would find it strange too and be embarrassed.

That said, OP needs to buy a cheap loaf of bread and a jar of jam/Philadelphia and let them make toast when they come in from school. A packet of biscuits isn’t going to break the bank either.

No need for sneaking around and clandestine meets.

I think given the OP's responses on this thread, it's actually kind of obvious why the mum is sneaking the food around. I'm guessing she knew the Op would be pissed off about it.

Op I think you need to work on your self esteem. I'm sure you're amazing too. Comparing yourself to others will only ever make you feel inadequate. And I'm sure your son loves you for who you are.

How on earth did you get into a habit of starting dinner at 9pm?

I actually think the best thing you could do here is to get the 2 of them to prepare eve meal if they are home before you. I would say that between 5.30 and 6.30 is a more normal time to eat. If I am due home later than that and DH is away with work, my 15 year old will happily cook tea. TBH even when we eat at 6, my kids would expect a snack after school

Glad to hear it, OP!

This is actually one of the most bizarre things I have ever seen on here. My teens will often go and get themselves snacks on the way home from school to take to friends houses. I have come home to find several teens eating a pizza that they ordered on Just Eat cause they were starving. They club together with their own money for this. You are being VERY unreasonable in expecting them to wait until 9 pm for food.
Your jealousy of this family comes through in every post. It is not their fault that your circumstances are different from theirs. They are better off so will buy more expensive presents as that is their normal.
If you continue like this and show your son how you feel about his girlfriend's family you will only push him away.

So they eat dinner together every night whether in your house or hers? Seems so OTT for a pair of 15 year olds.

I agree with this, can you get them to cool it a bit, OP?

I also think the other mum is a bit rude dropping of a food parcel off when her DD is eating at someone else's home 😲

That's a normal Christmas present

Well OP obviously can't afford to reciprocate so no it's not a normal present. The other family should know not to make OP feel bad and give a smaller/cheaper present instead.

Maybe she doesnt come to the door because she has already made food and driven it over and the teens run out and grab it from her.

Personally, if my dd was going somewhere and wasn’t eating til 9 on a school night, and not being allowed/given anything to tide her over, i’d be saying weekends only. Or she comes home at 6 for tea, or she comes home for tea, eats and then goes

This is what I would be doing.

OP why has it never occurred to you eat earlier if your child is complaining they are hungry?

And did you always feed him at this time. Even as a toddler?

You sound down about it all OP. I think it can be hard when our children have boy/girlfriends and the other child’s parent becomes significant in our child’s life. You can easily feel a bit threatened by it.

Do try to build a bit of a friendly relationship with the other mum if you can - not too friendly mind - or it’ll be super awkward if/when they break up!!! I would not be ok at all with the secret food drops. You need to make that stop. It is insulting. Just provide more food and tell the girl you don’t want her mum dropping off snacks anymore.

My 8 and 10 year old have dinner and 5. 9 pm is almost my bedtime.
But the toddler food she drops off sounds funny.

I also agree wholeheartedly with not allowing them to spend every evening together. That’s not healthy at all. Don’t they have schoolwork and friends? I would limit these meals to weekends.

Sometimes on here I read things that truly astonish me. This is one. The idea that you don’t start cooking for your teenager until 9pm (not even eat then), but start cooking then is really surprising to me.

It’s not much of a surprise he is spending more time elsewhere. And he’s 15 - plenty old enough to accept food from his GF’s mother if he wants to; without you banning it.

It feeding dinner until 9 and forbidding snacks until then is actually abusive in my opinion. No wonder they're sneaking it in.

Your self-esteem issues are going to affect your ds. Who cares if someone has more money than you? Money isn’t what makes you a good person, but being bitter about having less money and taking it out on others doesn’t make you a good person. You need to get over it, seriously.