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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave the baby with his dad

115 replies

Mummybear485 · 29/06/2019 11:45

Baby is 4 months old. Baby’s father and I split 2 months ago. We now have a very volatile relationship as he constantly bombards me with emails calling me names and telling me I’m an unfit mother...etc. We agreed that he would have the baby 2 nights per week - fri & sat as he says he can’t have the baby during the week due to being at work which is fair enough. He took the baby yesterday then emailed me to say he couldn’t keep him overnight as he had no trousers for him. A few times he has done this, one time saying he didn’t have blankets for the baby to sleep with (which I know was total nonsense) and unless I gave him blankets he was bringing the baby home.

So, yesterday I refused to take the baby back and told him he was to stick to his side of the agreement. Was I unreasonable to do this? He has called me all the names under the sun, said I am a disgusting piece of shit for abandoning the baby on him and he’s ashamed that I’m the baby’s mother. I actually feel so bad for refusing to take the baby back but felt I should stand my ground as he is just as responsible for the baby as I am. He hadn’t seen the baby since Monday until yesterday. He is always claiming he wants to spend more time with the baby but it seems like everytime he has him he wants rid.

I also have 2 other children from a previous relationship so have a lot on my plate when I’ve got the 3 of them on my own.

OP posts:

Celebelly · 29/06/2019 11:51

I'm not sure I'd be happy with my four-month-old baby being with someone who doesn't seem able to look after him properly, regardless of whether it was her sperm donor father. If he's unable to provide the basics then I would be concerned about quality of care.

Fundays12 · 29/06/2019 11:51

I would go through a solicitor if you haven’t already. He sounds like he needs to understand the importance of sticking with a routine. You could always use a contact centre potentially for hangovers etc as the staff will monitor this.

Original poster

Mummybear485 · 29/06/2019 11:55

I haven’t went through a solicitor already but I was considering this. I really don’t know how to deal with this. Do I stop access? Do I continue to let him have the baby until something in put in place legally? I’m so stressed out with it all.

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/06/2019 11:59

Seeing a solicitor won’t make him comply. The agreement/court order would be for you to make the baby available to him. I wouldn’t want to force my child on his unwilling and incompetent father. Does your ex have any more reliable relatives who would support him?

cakeandchampagne · 29/06/2019 11:59

I wouldn’t want my child to be with someone who couldn’t take proper care of them, or didn’t want to be with them.

I cannot imagine refusing to take the baby back early from an angry, unkind father.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/06/2019 12:02

If you think he is capable of looking after the baby and was just being a twat who got bored and wanted to offload parenting back onto you, then I really admire you for not letting him get away with that.
These loser 'dads' need to learn that parenting is a proper commitment, that he cannot make demands and then bail.
I would go through a contact centre so that when he eventually totally flakes out, it will be documented and you will have evidence to support you should you decide to cut contact altogether.
I hope you are making him pay child support.

Ponoka7 · 29/06/2019 12:02

Your leaving ypur very ypung, vulnerable baby with someone who isn't fir to be a Parent and is emotionally and verbally abusive.

Do you think it sounds like a good plan?

IsabellaLinton · 29/06/2019 12:02

So, yesterday I refused to take the baby back and told him he was to stick to his side of the agreement. Was I unreasonable to do this?

Yes you were! Unbelievable! Do you not care that he isn’t caring for the baby properly? Stop whining about who’s responsibility it is - he’s not stepping up, so don’t leave the baby with him just to prove a point!

I also have 2 other children from a previous relationship so have a lot on my plate when I’ve got the 3 of them on my own.

What’s that got to do with anything? You need to crack on! I have three children too - I didn’t dump my youngest with a total incompetent because I had so much on my plate

Ponoka7 · 29/06/2019 12:02

'Isn't fit to be a Parent'

Original poster

Mummybear485 · 29/06/2019 12:04

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds

He is absolutely capable of looking after the baby and using these excuses to offload the parenting back on to me.

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/06/2019 12:06

Hang on. None of you know whether he is capable. OP does and I doubt she would leave the baby with him if he really was unable to look after him.
Being an angry arsehole to the OP doesn't mean the court wouldn't give him access because they take a view that it doesn't necessarily make him an unfit parent. So OP has just done what a court would do.

Original poster

Mummybear485 · 29/06/2019 12:08

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds

Yes - that’s exactly what I’ve done. I know the baby isn’t in any danger so I have no reason to stop access. He is more than capable. He just can’t be bothered.

OP posts:

BlueMerchant · 29/06/2019 12:08

If he obviously didn't want the baby overnight and asked you to to take him I would have been there in a heartbeat.
How could you settle knowing he was there and not wanted?

Original poster

Mummybear485 · 29/06/2019 12:08

And I would never leave him with the baby if I thought he wasn’t capable.

OP posts:

IsabellaLinton · 29/06/2019 12:10

He is absolutely capable of looking after the baby and using these excuses to offload the parenting back on to me.

Well he obviously doesn’t want to, but you’re trying to force him. It’s all very well to say he should be doing it, could be doing it - he isn’t doing it. Do you not care about the quality of care the baby receives as long as you make your point? You’re using this baby as a weapon. Despicable behaviour on your part.

Original poster

Mummybear485 · 29/06/2019 12:10

He uses the baby to try and control me. Trust me, I know that’s what he’s doing. When I said yesterday I wasn’t coming to get the baby he started giving me abuse telling me I better not be with another man etc....

OP posts:

Fcukthisshit · 29/06/2019 12:11

I’m more bothered about the fact that you refer to your child as “the baby” but on a side note, yes Yabu to leave YOUR baby with someone who clearly doesn’t have the facilities / mindset to meet their needs.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 29/06/2019 12:11

I would have thought that overnight contact with a baby that age was a fairly unusual agreement, especially two consecutive nights. But only you know whether your child would be ok with this, and if your ex is capable (albeit lazy).

Original poster

Mummybear485 · 29/06/2019 12:12

@IsabellaLinton

Oh shut up. I’m not using the baby as a weapon - he is! If I came on here and said I’d stopped access because he said he didn’t have blankets you would all be telling me I was totally unreasonable. So pipe down and take your silly opinion elsewhere!

OP posts:

IsabellaLinton · 29/06/2019 12:13

He is more than capable. He just can’t be bothered

And you can’t make him bother. You can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

How you can bear to part with that baby to a man who can’t be bothered is absolutely beyond me.

SkintAsASkintThing · 29/06/2019 12:14

Yabu.

He doesn't sound very stable.......I wouldn't leave a defenceless baby under the care of a resentful arsehole.

pinksquash13 · 29/06/2019 12:15

I think you're right. If you trust him not to harm the baby then why should he get out of parenting. He helped create baby. He needs to step up. Hopefully he will build positive relationship with baby over time.

gamerchick · 29/06/2019 12:15

OP, do you want the baby? I know it sounds like a boggling question but I couldn't imagine refusing to take one of my kids back from an angry, abusive man. Are you ok within yourself?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 29/06/2019 12:15

If he doesn't want to do it, then he shouldn't be demanding it! No one made him (although imho the law should force parents to look after their children).
OP called his bluff. Next time he demands overnight access, he'll know that he is expected to actually do it.

IsabellaLinton · 29/06/2019 12:16

This reply has been deleted

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