To leave the baby with his dad

[Mummybear485]

Baby is 4 months old. Baby’s father and I split 2 months ago. We now have a very volatile relationship as he constantly bombards me with emails calling me names and telling me I’m an unfit mother...etc. We agreed that he would have the baby 2 nights per week - fri & sat as he says he can’t have the baby during the week due to being at work which is fair enough. He took the baby yesterday then emailed me to say he couldn’t keep him overnight as he had no trousers for him. A few times he has done this, one time saying he didn’t have blankets for the baby to sleep with (which I know was total nonsense) and unless I gave him blankets he was bringing the baby home.

So, yesterday I refused to take the baby back and told him he was to stick to his side of the agreement. Was I unreasonable to do this? He has called me all the names under the sun, said I am a disgusting piece of shit for abandoning the baby on him and he’s ashamed that I’m the baby’s mother. I actually feel so bad for refusing to take the baby back but felt I should stand my ground as he is just as responsible for the baby as I am. He hadn’t seen the baby since Monday until yesterday. He is always claiming he wants to spend more time with the baby but it seems like everytime he has him he wants rid.

I also have 2 other children from a previous relationship so have a lot on my plate when I’ve got the 3 of them on my own.

A 4 mo baby gets no benefit from overnights away from his mother. Especially if that carer is abusive and controlling. Please see legal advice.

I completely agree with Goldmandra too.

I don't think the baby should be having overnights at that age for it's own sake.

You could agree to the overnights knowing that he will call you to fetch your baby. So in your mind know in advance what the pattern will be.

When I deal with someone who I know to be unreliable I prepare to be let down and ignore their promises without fighting. It's a waste of breath.

@LIZS

Actually they do. 4 months is an ideal time to let a baby have overnights. They don’t suffer from separation anxiety at this age and allowing them overnights (especially with an NRP!) helps their development.

2 overnights a week with his FATHER is nothing.

It's not about what's fair for the parents but what's best for the baby. Babies and children aren't dolls to be shared out.

He should be responsible for that child 50% of the time so him taking the baby once or twice a week is still falling well short
So op, who is presumably on mat leave should hand her child over to whoever ex chooses to pass the kid off on to because that's in the best interests of the child?? Don't be ridiculous.
I donny know many couples who have 50/50 care at this age when one is in work and the other isn't. DH was out the house 10 hours a day and when he had work the next day I did night feeds. Unless I literally refused to do anything if DH was at home, how would you get near 50 %?

Babies and children aren't dolls to be shared out.

Except that is exactly what the family courts do.

If you refuse contact to coercive controllers, there is a very real risk that they will use the courts system to abuse you further and embroil the children in years of accusations, evidence gathering and blatant lies.

Some will walk away without applying to the courts, but not all will.

Coercive control of the RP does not factor in whether the contact is ordered with the NRP.

If you enable or encourage contact, they use constant demands, last minute changes and emotional blackmail to abuse you.

The OP is taking the sensible stance of enabling the contact he has requested, while resisting his efforts to use it as an opportunity to abuse her.

There is no suggestion that he is not caring properly for his son.

Victims of coercive control constantly question their own decisions and perceptions because of the damage done by the abuser. The comments on this thread have validated the abuser's accusations of the OP.

Basically she was worried that he was right that she should jump when he clicked his fingers and MN has told her that he is.

She can refuse contact. She can reduce contact. If she does, he is likely to escalate his abusive behaviour and end up applying to the courts. He will then have contact ordered which she will be required to enable and he will not be required to use. That situation is no better than the one she is in already.

The OP would be better off facilitating contact as she currently does, giving no hint that she wants it to cease, refusing to be at his beck and call during contact and hoping that he gets bored of the game eventually.

Whatever she does, he will be able to use this baby to abuse her for the next 18 years if he wants to.

Courts don't usually recommend overnight contact for babies

There is no need for anyone to "educate" themselves about coercive control, this is a bad situation that can play out in a few different ways; some of us simply have a different approach to risk when it comes to babies and even children. The idea that these games must be played because he started them is a very strange argument, you can't predict his responses. What's most likely is that he's going to send these coercive messages and be disruptive regardless, OP can either protect her baby or play her own games. She's decided on the latter and it leaves her vulnerable young baby with a man who's volatile and angry. He most likely won't get bored any faster based on her responding differently, that isn't the point of his game, he might however get more angry. While he has sole care of a 4 month old, who's pretty much guaranteed to be crying more because being away from mum is stressful for tiny ones. There is every chance that sometime he won't be playing a game but will be tired and angry enough for the baby to be in danger. For my baby, that isn't a risk that I could ever take to try to "win", it isn't winning.

Courts don’t recommend overnight stays for babies at all. I’d honestly be devastated if my DP and I separated and he took our 8 month old away for two nights a week, it would break me. I can’t really understand how you can happily be away from your four month old for two nights a week to the extent you won’t even have the baby back when your ex makes excuses to bring the baby back. It’s just so sad.

Courts don't recommend overnight contact for small babies but they aren't babies for long.

Sleeping with a NRP who is more than capable of caring for him (the OP has no concerns about this) will do him no harm. Lots of babies stay with relative overnight every week.

The abusive father, however, will be around for 18 years. This is about the OP managing that relationship in a way that minimises his opportunities to abuse her.

MRex and PinkFinkle I agree with both of your last posts wholeheartedly.

So no clean trousers means he cannot look after your baby overnight? What is wrong with a quick trip to the shops? He should be keeping kit there anyway if he is serious about overnights including bedding, beats, nappies etc. I would be looking to get it formalised. He clearly only wants daytime as otherwise it interferes with his social life. Both if you need to be straight. He needs kit and you need to hold off until he takes this parenting seriously.

DD's dad came round, bathed and put her to bed until he could look after her on his own. I sat in lounge and read. We almost did mediation which my law lecturer helped me set up, but we worked it out before going down that route. That may be an option. We also communicated only times and dates, nothing else. Ignored all other messages. Join Coparenting clan on fb, they're great on there

I'll add DD was about 2 before he did have her overnight but he had her on his own before then. He didn't start seeing DD til she was 11 months old, his own choice, so a little different from your situation