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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the baby with his dad

115 replies

Mummybear485 · 29/06/2019 11:45

Baby is 4 months old. Baby’s father and I split 2 months ago. We now have a very volatile relationship as he constantly bombards me with emails calling me names and telling me I’m an unfit mother...etc. We agreed that he would have the baby 2 nights per week - fri & sat as he says he can’t have the baby during the week due to being at work which is fair enough. He took the baby yesterday then emailed me to say he couldn’t keep him overnight as he had no trousers for him. A few times he has done this, one time saying he didn’t have blankets for the baby to sleep with (which I know was total nonsense) and unless I gave him blankets he was bringing the baby home.

So, yesterday I refused to take the baby back and told him he was to stick to his side of the agreement. Was I unreasonable to do this? He has called me all the names under the sun, said I am a disgusting piece of shit for abandoning the baby on him and he’s ashamed that I’m the baby’s mother. I actually feel so bad for refusing to take the baby back but felt I should stand my ground as he is just as responsible for the baby as I am. He hadn’t seen the baby since Monday until yesterday. He is always claiming he wants to spend more time with the baby but it seems like everytime he has him he wants rid.

I also have 2 other children from a previous relationship so have a lot on my plate when I’ve got the 3 of them on my own.

OP posts:
Tallgreenbottle · 29/06/2019 20:54

Yabvvvvvvvvu OP for passing a 4m old around like a school teddybear. They need stability and they should either be with you, or be with DH, and the other parent has visitation. Regular overnights with the non resident parent aren't normally a thing until much older for a reason. You're going to give your kid an attachment disorder.

Verily1 · 29/06/2019 21:03

You can’t force someone to be a parent.

You need to accept that you’re alone on this parenting journey.

IDontGiveABagOfDicks · 29/06/2019 21:05

@Ninteeneightyone Not really, she describes her ex as an abuser.

And YY to PP. Poor kid will have an attachment disorder Sad

Nearlythere1 · 29/06/2019 21:14

OP, I know its been said, but just to reiterate, that's too young for overnight visits and your ex sounds volatile and happy to weaponise him. Stop sending him.

plobsalt · 29/06/2019 21:15

Yes an attachment disorder is a real fear.

plobsalt · 29/06/2019 21:16

I'm not certain but I think courts see it in a baby that's young's best interest to stay with the same parent overnight.

crispysausagerolls · 29/06/2019 21:27

YABVU

Christ

Goldmandra · 30/06/2019 11:03

Yes an attachment disorder is a real fear.

Attachment disorders don't happen because a securely attached baby spends one or two nights a week with a father who is attempting to use them to exert control over the mother.

The OP has no reason to think that the baby is not perfectly well cared for by his father.

The baby has already formed a secure attachment with his mother and possibly other family members too. If he hadn't, that would place him at risk of an attachment disorder but it would also be totally unrelated to whether his mother should be running backwards and forwards with blankets and trousers.

Plenty of four month old babies stay with NRPs or grandparents overnight every week with no ill effects.

The ex may have abused the OP but that's totally irrelevant to his relationship with the child as far as the family courts are concerned.

The OP hasn't asked if she should send the baby to someone who won't care for him properly. It is clear that she has no concerns around the quality of care the baby receives. She's asking for support to refuse to be controlled by emotional blackmail from an abuser.

If the OP jumps every time the ex snaps his fingers, he will use the baby as a weapon more. She is doing the right thing by not responding to the blackmail and allowing contact.

You can't force someone to be a parent but you also can't refuse contact because the other parent isn't nice to you. He is asking for this time with the baby. He simply cannot use it as an opportunity to continue to perpetrate abuse on the OP. Abusers do this often and the best response is to grey rock them while allowing contact. It gives them nothing to get their teeth into.

I don't blame the OP for not coming back. Some of the comments on here are vile, alarmist and show a great lack of insight into coercive control.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 30/06/2019 11:18

I wouldn’t let someone who wasn’t arsed about my baby look after it. I’d rather keep the baby with me so I know it’s getting the right care. You say the dad is capable and I’m not saying he isn’t, but if he’s not bothered I wouldn’t want him taking care of my baby.

It’s frustrating though. Sure, children “have the right to a relationship with both of their parents” so the resident parent (usually mum) has to make them available to the NRP (usually dad). All good. Except if the non resident parent gets fed up with the kids/responsibility of the kids he can skip off into the sunset and sack off his parenting responsibilities. You can’t make him take care of his children.

MRex · 30/06/2019 11:31

If someone didn't want my baby then they wouldn't be near him and overnights at 4 months is very early. You're both using that poor baby as a weapon between you and sadly have both decided it's an inconvenience, apparently neither of you care if the baby is actually happy or not. That isn't how to raise a happy child. If there wasn't time for this baby due to the other two kids you have then why did you have it? If you two weren't in a functioning relationship then why did you both decide to have a baby? If you had good answers at the time then do you perhaps have PND that's interfered with you bonding with the baby? I don't know where you should go from here, but you both need to consider what's in the best interests of the baby, maybe family court would help in working out what you both actually want.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 30/06/2019 11:35

I think as long as you are happy he's capable of looking after the baby then YANBU...

Goldmandra · 30/06/2019 11:43

maybe family court would help in working out what you both actually want.

The OP has been very clear that she wants to allow her ex contact if it's what he wants but she doesn't want a condition of that contact to be that he has her dancing around like a puppet to satisfy his every whim during that contact time.

I don't suppose the OP had a crystal ball to hand when she got pregnant Hmm

The OP is doing her best to prevent her ex from using the baby as a weapon.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/06/2019 13:11

OP have you considered the possibility of PND?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/06/2019 13:29

Hi OP I think it's a tricky one and you're in an impossible situation- you either leave the baby with someone who doesnt want them which isn't ideal, or let your ex use the baby to control you.

Does he actually say he wants contact? What's his excuse for not buying his own trousers or blanket? I cant believe he cant look after his own child without trousers but hes calling you a shit parent!

You could do court but in the interim is there anyone else neutral that could act as a go between and facilitate contact that you could both speak to other than in an emergency? Any of his relatives or a mutual friend? That might tell him straight hes being a twat when he cant source his own baby a blanket

crispysausagerolls · 30/06/2019 22:19

you're in an impossible situation

It’s not impossible though, is it? OP has to put her ego aside, accept her ex is trying to control her but put her baby first and not get involved in childish mind games. He sounds like a horrendous father who shouldn’t have alone time with this tiny baby, let alone overnights. Which are frankly insane at 4 months anyway.

TBH if she stops giving baby to him anyway he loses the ability to control her.

User5321 · 01/07/2019 08:25

I couldn’t agree with @Goldmandra more.

User5321 · 01/07/2019 08:34

“TBH if she stops giving baby to him anyway he loses the ability to control her”

Eh, what?

Ffs what a ridiculous thing to say 🤦🏽‍♀️ You can’t stop a father from seeing their child if they’re trying to control the mother and that would never stand up in a court of law.

He would also lose the ability to control the OP if she ignored his nonsense when he has his son. Because that’s what it is - nonsense. If he’s able to parent his son and the baby is not in any danger (and it doesn’t sound like he is) then the OP should ignore any contact from him unless it’s an emergency relating to the baby. Then that way she stops him controlling her while still allowing him a relationship with his child. He’ll eventually get bored and stop.

My ex is a total dipshit towards me, is abusive and controlling but I don’t doubt his abilities as a parent and I know he is capable of looking after our son.

One parent trying to control another is not a reason to stop the controlling parent from seeing their child.

nespressowoo · 01/07/2019 08:38

I just can't understand why you would want your baby around someone who didn't want him. I think you need a reality check.

SnuggyBuggy · 01/07/2019 08:44

I think this baby deserves more than to not be in any danger.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2019 08:48

I wouldn't want to leave him with anyone who was volatile, angry, disinterested etc. It takes only a few seconds to shake a baby in anger until it's too late.

I get its frustrating with him being a dick and possibly trying to control you cos you can't make plans if he's constancy handing baby back, but your baby can't tell you what's going on.

Beesandcheese · 01/07/2019 08:53

A 4 month old is too young for an overnight when it isn't necessary. But this is disgusting behaviour. He should be prepared for his child's need's and to provide for him. Lots of people get up and go to work after caring for a baby, he's being an ineffective waste of space in your child's life.
Keep a record of all the abusI've messages and cancellation's and say no. If he or anyone else asks you provide copies. He just wants another stick to beat you with.

User5321 · 01/07/2019 08:53

I think the majority of you need a reality check!

This man is using his child to try and control his ex. Go and educate yourselves on coercive control. This has nothing to do with his abilities to parent his son. Yes he’s a control freak but that doesn’t meant he’s a bad parent or that the baby is in any danger.

I honestly can’t believe some of the comments I’ve read on this thread. It’s woman like you who enable this type of behaviour and allow men to be shitty fathers and duck out of their responsibilities!

MyNameIsRachel · 01/07/2019 08:55

Poor baby Sad

SleepingStandingUp · 01/07/2019 08:57

@User5321 all fine and well til this "volatile" man isn't getting his own way and in frustration takes it out on an infant who can't defend himself.

cptartapp · 01/07/2019 08:59

He should be responsible for that child 50% of the time so him taking the baby once or twice a week is still falling well short. And work is no excuse. He needs to source and pay for childcare on his days to cover that. What does he think working single mums do?
Unfortunately though, he doesn't sound very interested, and I suspect, predictably, you'll be a LP of three in a very short time. I wouldn't have chosen him as the father of my child, but that's another matter.
Whose surname does he have?