To leave the baby with his dad

[Mummybear485]

Baby is 4 months old. Baby’s father and I split 2 months ago. We now have a very volatile relationship as he constantly bombards me with emails calling me names and telling me I’m an unfit mother...etc. We agreed that he would have the baby 2 nights per week - fri & sat as he says he can’t have the baby during the week due to being at work which is fair enough. He took the baby yesterday then emailed me to say he couldn’t keep him overnight as he had no trousers for him. A few times he has done this, one time saying he didn’t have blankets for the baby to sleep with (which I know was total nonsense) and unless I gave him blankets he was bringing the baby home.

So, yesterday I refused to take the baby back and told him he was to stick to his side of the agreement. Was I unreasonable to do this? He has called me all the names under the sun, said I am a disgusting piece of shit for abandoning the baby on him and he’s ashamed that I’m the baby’s mother. I actually feel so bad for refusing to take the baby back but felt I should stand my ground as he is just as responsible for the baby as I am. He hadn’t seen the baby since Monday until yesterday. He is always claiming he wants to spend more time with the baby but it seems like everytime he has him he wants rid.

I also have 2 other children from a previous relationship so have a lot on my plate when I’ve got the 3 of them on my own.

You sound like you hate your ex more than you love your baby.

How is he when he is with the baby? Does he interact with him well?

Can you limit contact with him to just contact arrangements? Just grey rock him on everything else. Do you respond when he sends the numerous texts?

I had an ex like that too, constantly texting me telling me how I was an unfit mother. For a while I would respond and argue but then just started switching my phone off and making it clear I would only talk about contact or in emergencies. He upped his wanker game for a while to try and get me to bite but then eventually it slowed to only the occasional dig at me.

I've no idea if some kind of mediation would help you. You've potentially got very many years of this to come and it is very draining to deal with.

I wouldn't leave my baby or child of any age with anyone who didn't want them. No matter who it was. Poor baby.

YABU.

I was left a single parent to 3 when ExH fucked off (only youngest is his DC) when I was heavily pregnant.

He is a useless twat who drinks far too much. He saw her twice when she was newborn and never again, and only saw her those two times (supervised) because I hassled him into it.

Baby had CMPA and severe reflux, never slept for more than an hour till she was 18 months old, I had severe PND due to exhaustion and not fucking once did I even entertain the idea of calling him for help. I had zero support from anyone.

You cannot be 100% sure that he is capable and is looking after the baby properly.

My ExH would have stuck our baby in a Moses basket, played Xbox whilst drinking and barely interacted with her. I know without a fucking doubt.

Before anyone asks why I had a baby with him, he was an abusive cunt who threw away my contraception and at over a foot taller than me was easily able to force himself on to me.

I'm on your side OP.
You're insisting that he does the tiny bit of parenting HE has offered to do - and you expect him to provide his own child with the basics he needs when at his house.

I hope you're keeping a written record/screenshots of his abusive, demanding texts?
If not i'd start doping it.
I would text him telling him HE needs to provide clothes/food/basics for his child whilst under his care and to stop the abuse.
Then when he carries on with the abuse you stop contact based upon his abusive conduct towards you and not providing for his child.
Then you let him go to court to arrange access, where you present the proof of his abuse.
I've never heard of a court giving two days/overnights access per week for a 4 month old so i doubt he's going to get that in court.
Let the court arrange the contact and tell him that HE has to provide for his child as well as pay maintenance.

Hopefully he won't be bothered taking it to court and you can have him out of your lives for good.

I know a few sets of divorced/separated parents and it never fails to amaze me how many get annoyed and angry when they are required to parent their child when it isn’t “their” weekend.

It’s really sad. I would hate to not have my children every second weekend or whatever and would see it as a bonus if they got to stay with me unexpectedly.

This is so so sad. Step up and be the parent your baby needs you to be.

@IDontGiveABagOfDicks

Stop projecting. Your circumstances sound totally different from the OP’s

Op take no mind of @IsabellaLinton ive seen her on multiple posts and she is obviously bored so just disagreeing witg every reasonable op for fun.

Youre doing the right thing. It must be hard to let your baby go to am arsehole but you have three options
A.) Let him be a part time parent whoch will ultimately upset your child when they are older
B.) Stop all contact because he cant stick to an agreement regarfing his own child.
C.) Show him youre not a mug and not put up with his bullshit.

You chose c and i bet if you posted that you were an a mum or a b mum then everyone would tell you he is unreasonable and youre a mug

Youre foing the right thing. Unfortunately you have to parent your ex on how to he a decent parent.

Having a flakey dad does no good so good n you for not enabling him.

Im sure youve had days or times when youwanted to give the baby back but its not how realityworks.

And thanks stupid mums- no wonder youre on mumsnet moaning about your exs

Obviously I agree that the welfare of a child is always paramount. But the problem with everyone piling on to accuse the OP of being a bad mother is that this is exactly how selfish men get to avoid the responsibility of parenting their own children. I bet many of you criticising the OP have contributed to other threads demanding that feckless fathers should be made to step up. But on this thread you appear to be happy to enable them.

No idea why he can’t just go and buy his child some trousers and a blanket if he’s so concerned.

I think you did the right thing, OP. Even if he didn't have trousers (which is the stupidest excuse I've ever heard) he could go and buy some!! In my experience fathers that don't want to parent rather than can't parent do this. Well done.

People can be hateful in relationships but still love their kids. I think this is just his pathetic way of getting to you incase you have dared to make plans to go out.

OP just being practical have you tried asking him what he needs at his place in order to look after your baby. Maybe even putting a checklist in. Just then there is nothing he could throw back in your face. I mean he should have all of that shit at his already but he obviously is unorganised so to make your life easy just say please can you write me a list of what you need and put it in the changing bag.

I think you are very brave at four months letting him have the baby overnight. I'm sure you have considered this very carefully. So do not need to be slagged off. However I would say if even after you have sent the baby with all of the things he needs to take care of him and get something back about how you need to pick him up then I would put a stop to overnight visits.

I would however suggest that he have the baby at yours for the day if he can be trusted or take the baby for a few hours for days out. I would say something like "clearly at this age it is a struggle for you to take care of him, so overnight stays can start again once baby is older".

Don't be messed around by this fool and running round after him give him another chance with whatever he needs then stop the overnight

All the other rights and wrongs of this aside, why the hell is a lack of trousers a problem in this weather? I’ve got my 10 week old just in her nappy in the house, with just a little vest or short sleeve/short leg romper suit when we go outside.

On the actual question, he’s either a fit father despite not being a very pleasant person, in which case he should be doing his bit and you’re right to call his bluff when he doesn’t.

Or, he’s not capable of looking after a young child, in which case he shouldn’t have contact - or certainly not overnight, unsupervised contact.

You need to think long and hard about which it is, get appropriate arrangements agreed, then stick to them.

Ultimately, It’d probably be less hassle in some respects to have full custody (or just a contact centre or something for him) and be able to plan accordingly - whether that’s baby sitters or just accepting its nights in only for a while - than to have to plans constantly wrecked at the last minute and have to put up with all his nonsense too.

For those of you saying the ones who are saying OP is BU, did the line I also have 2 other children from a previous relationship so have a lot on my plate when I’ve got the 3 of them on my own. not bother you one bit? Like the reason OP is leaving baby with her ex is more because it’s inconvenient for her to be looking after 3 kids? Because I personally sympathised with her and could understand her side a little more until that sentence.

I can’t imagine feeling comfortable leaving my 4
Month old with, by your own definition, an abuser.
Someone who doesn’t want to spend time with the child and screams at the mother when with him- keep him away from your bany

I think people are making a lot of assumptions about the ex. My ex is an arsehole and treated me like shit but he’s also a member of SLT in a school, works with a lot of vulnerable adults, raised his child from his first relationship and is 100% capable of looking after a baby

What would you all say then?

Well, @Ninteeneightyone, if he came on here and described himself as OP has described him, I’d be telling him he shouldn’t be anywhere near a tiny baby.

And I would never leave him with the baby if I thought he wasn’t capable.

Only if he can’t be bothered?

He uses the baby to try and control me.

Like, for example, refusing to collect them if he thought you were just being lazy?

If I came on here and said I’d stopped access because he said he didn’t have blankets you would all be telling me I was totally unreasonable.
If that all you’d said then yes. If you said he consistently refused to provide clothes or blankets and seemed not to be bothered looking after him, that’s not the response you would get.

So pipe down and take your silly opinion elsewhere!
Um, do you know how asking for opinions on the Internet works?

You need to get a written agreement, this doesn't have to be through a solicitor or mediator but be prepared to go down that route if needed.

Lay down what days regularly, how to vary the agreement (eg 4 weeks notice if he's away or you need a weekday), and what you will provide/he is to provide (I suggest he has a bed, bedding, formula and bottles, nappies, sleepwear, you will send day outfits)

Don't assume that, because he wants the OP at his beck and call to supply blankets and trouser, he isn't capable of providing them himself. This is clearly about his wish to control her, hence his text saying she had better not be out with a man.

The OP has said clearly that he's perfectly capable of looking after the child. He's just trying to make sure she can't relax and he can have contact tailor exactly to his whims.

SHe is not BU to refuse to jump every time he snaps his fingers. In the long term he is likely to get bored of contact if it doesn't come with the fun addition of the OP bending to his will and is likely to give up on it altogether. It sounds like this might be the best for all concerned, including the baby.

I agree with gobrooke sounds like neither of you are interested in parenting the poor baby you both need to take a good look at yourselves, what mum leaves her baby with an angry person for a weekend? control or not the baby’s safety comes before how the dad treats you and nothing would make me leave the baby behind because ‘ I have my plate full’

OP you need to look at this situation from the baby's perspective and what is best for them

Anything you child needs whilst in his care he should provide. If your child needs clothes and does not have them then he goes out and buys them. The same with wipes nappies food etc. To have asked for the child over night he should have thought about a place to sleep and blankets, toys a high chair when needed etc. The courts would expect him to provide what's needed in his care. If he does this again tell him to take you to court and show them the messages kicking off because he expects you to travel as his to lazy to go buy what his child requires whilst staying with him. The courts would laugh at him

I don’t think YABU OP. When the baby is in his care, it’s up to him to look after him. He can’t just call you to take over.

That said, after this weekend and with no court ordered agreement, my son would never go back