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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave the baby with his dad

115 replies

Mummybear485 · 29/06/2019 11:45

Baby is 4 months old. Baby’s father and I split 2 months ago. We now have a very volatile relationship as he constantly bombards me with emails calling me names and telling me I’m an unfit mother...etc. We agreed that he would have the baby 2 nights per week - fri & sat as he says he can’t have the baby during the week due to being at work which is fair enough. He took the baby yesterday then emailed me to say he couldn’t keep him overnight as he had no trousers for him. A few times he has done this, one time saying he didn’t have blankets for the baby to sleep with (which I know was total nonsense) and unless I gave him blankets he was bringing the baby home.

So, yesterday I refused to take the baby back and told him he was to stick to his side of the agreement. Was I unreasonable to do this? He has called me all the names under the sun, said I am a disgusting piece of shit for abandoning the baby on him and he’s ashamed that I’m the baby’s mother. I actually feel so bad for refusing to take the baby back but felt I should stand my ground as he is just as responsible for the baby as I am. He hadn’t seen the baby since Monday until yesterday. He is always claiming he wants to spend more time with the baby but it seems like everytime he has him he wants rid.

I also have 2 other children from a previous relationship so have a lot on my plate when I’ve got the 3 of them on my own.

OP posts:
LennyBelardo · 29/06/2019 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 29/06/2019 12:19

My ex was a bit like this. He was unpredictable with contact and often would refuse to take all of them together so I couldn't have a life of my own. I'd met my now husband and he tried to be as obstructive as possible.

This isn't fair on any of your kids. Make sure you keep him dumped.

VladmirsPoutine · 29/06/2019 12:20

YABU. Sorry but you can't just leave your baby with a man who is clearly unfit to look after the child. You're not proving a point by demanding that he looks after his kid when he's so clearly reluctant to. That's a 4 month old baby, not a tennis ball. And even if it is difficult having the 3 kids together whilst your by yourself they're your children. This is what you signed up to as a solo parent to 3. Live with it. Don't use your DC as prawns to prove a point.

MyDcAreMarvel · 29/06/2019 12:23

Most mothers would be very distressed to leave their four month old. Three children on your own is not a big deal. Step up and parent.

Peanutbutterforever · 29/06/2019 12:25

If you are confident that he is capable of looking after his child, which it seems you are, you are doing the right thing. You are refusing to be a doormat, good for you!

Isabella, are you feeling quite well?

IsabellaLinton · 29/06/2019 12:26

Isabella, are you feeling quite well?

Perfectly.

fishonabicycle · 29/06/2019 12:28

Yet another lazy feckless dad trying to dip out of their responsibilities. If you feel your baby is safe, then yes - of course he should look after him.

Neverender · 29/06/2019 12:31

Leave him to it!

SkintAsASkintThing · 29/06/2019 12:32

I don't think any child is safe with a person who's so angry. I really don't think the baby should potentially be suffering be because of the mistakes you've made and the shit men you've chosen to get with.

You should be focussing on getting evidence to insist contact is in a contact centre. Not your entitlement to a break.

VladmirsPoutine · 29/06/2019 12:32

Why have you name-changed or just joined the site to describe abandoning your 4-month old son?

soundsystem · 29/06/2019 12:35

From a logical perspective yes I get what you're trying to do, and he shouldn't be able to get out of parenting any more than you can.

But 4 months is very young for a baby to be away from its mother overnight and I don't think many people would be comfortable leaving such a young child in the care of someone who doesn't seem that concerned with their needs.

Having 3 kids on your own is tough, though. Do you have other support/family members who could help out, maybe by taking the older two for a bit to help you bond with the baby?

Tonkerbea · 29/06/2019 12:35

You're both BU! Massively.

The only person in this situation I feel sympathy for is the baby.

BuddleiasEverywhere · 29/06/2019 12:43

I cannot imagine leaving any child let alone a 4 month old baby with someone who obviously doesn't want to look after it.
How do you know that your baby will be cuddled if it's crying? Fed if it's hungry?
You need to go and get your baby back.

Ninteeneightyone · 29/06/2019 12:46

This sounds like it has nothing to do with him not wanting the baby but everything to do with him trying to control the OP

IvanaPee · 29/06/2019 12:52

This is your first post?

Anyway, yeah shipping your four month old off to a dad who doesn’t want him isn’t going to win you any mothering awards.

He’s responsible for his own awful behaviour, and you’re responsible for yours.

I’m assuming you were aware you had two other children when you decided to go ahead and have this one, so the whole “I can’t cope with three” scenario doesn’t really garner much sympathy.

But anyway. You “win” by leaving your newborn where he’s not wanted, I guess? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pilgit · 29/06/2019 12:54

You can't force someone to be responsible when they clearly can't be bothered. The welfare of the baby should be the prime motivation for both of you but it clearly isn't for him. His is to control you. It doesn't seem to be yours either (Although I completely get your frustration). I wouldn't want my child near someone with such a screwed up way of treating people.

GoBrookeYourself · 29/06/2019 12:56

YABVVVU. Whether or not he is capable isn’t really the point here, he doesn’t want to do how can you trust he’ll feed him when he’s hungry? Hold him when he’s crying? He clearly doesn’t want to look after your son and by the sounds of it neither do you. I feel so sorry for the baby and having 2 others isn’t an excuse to not look after your third- if you couldn’t look after all 3, you shouldn’t have had 3.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 29/06/2019 12:56

He wants to control the OP. Only this time when he tried the routine, OP called his bluff and he got nasty.

koshkat · 29/06/2019 13:00

I would not leave my baby with anyone who did not want to look after him.

Sandybval · 29/06/2019 13:06

Of course he should 'step up', but if he doesn't want to, or its part of controlling you, it's still unfair on the baby to be left with him.

Ninteeneightyone · 29/06/2019 13:06

Imagine it was the ex who was writing this post -

I am supposed to have my baby overnight on a Friday and Saturday but because I have no trousers for him to wear I’ve told my baby’s mother she’s to take him back.

What would you all say then?

BarryMcguigan · 29/06/2019 13:08

Take the baby back immediately he is angry, volatile and uncaring and you're leaving the baby with him to prove a point. Absolutely ridiculous??? Do you trust he is making up the bottles correctly, sterilising then, comforting the baby to sleep, changing nappies immediately after he notices they are dirty to prevent nappy rash? I doubt it with his behaviour

Juells · 29/06/2019 13:12

I wouldn't leave my poor little baby with someone like him.

IMO the only reason he takes the baby, then messes you around, is to mess up your weekends in case you have anything planned. If you arranged a babysitter on a Friday night you'd be able to go out with peace of mind. He's set it up now so that you can't do anything because he might demand you take the baby back.

This doesn't seem to be about the baby, but about controlling and upsetting you.

Nousernameforme · 29/06/2019 13:13

I can also see what you are trying to do here. I'm not too sure if YWBU or not.
I don't know if I could have done it as I don't think however well I knew a man that they wouldn't hurt baby to get back at me.

I think you've hopefully made your point here and now he won't be asking to have baby again and will leave you all alone. I would pick baby up with a cheery "See you coped wonderfully, when will you next be taking him?" and watch him um and er about it

Goldmandra · 29/06/2019 13:13

As long as you feel reassured that the baby will be well cared for, I think you're doing the right thing.

It sounds like her wants to have the right to contact in order to have control over your life but you to remain responsible for the child even during that contact. It's to make sure he is still in your consciousness at all times and unable to rely on time to yourself.

Stick to your guns. If he gets any more unreasonable, cease contact and let him apply to the courts. if contact starts again, you do the same. He is responsible for the care of his baby during contact.