AIBU to have red flags at this behaviour by DH

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Dh been unemployed for 18 months. Finally today found out has got a 12 month contract, extremely well paid and is literally a godsend for our family. I have been working my nuts off full time to support us and today , DH asked me to finish on time (4pm) so we can celebrate . I am a nirse and its just not always possible to walk out the door on time . He has literally just phoned me from the pub down the road and had a go at me for finishing at 410pm and it was a test which i failed and i need to now prioritise him as he was the one who was going to be working super hard and my job is just not as important . I am so so angry . For background, he has been depressed this year and has hit the drink rather hard and he is now this week on a high understandbly . However , i cant just walk out when my colleagus need help . He never understands this . Sorry for typos , am cross . For the record we have had similar arguments about work ethic and team playing etc before . Someone chuck cold water on me please .
So AIBU to prioritise my patients and their care before leaving on time even tjough it upsets dh ?

OP, not sure if this has been covered, but if you’re working for his limited company then you are an employee who should be receiving a salary plus have all the normal employee protections (holiday pay, sick pay, maternity pay etc) plus you should know how much you’re going to be paid and tell him where that money goes. He can’t just decide that as you’re his wife and work for his company that he gets your wages. Does he have any other employees? Is he paying your PAYE/NIC contributions and do you have a pension? Does he control your finances? I’m guessing he wouldn’t react well to having a discussion about finance so you know what goes where. If you don’t have full access to joint funds then you need to have your wages coming into an account he doesn’t have access to. Start your leaving strategy. Best of luck OP and please remember that you are worth more than this and his behaviour is not a reflection on you

Sounds like a self entitled ego driven narcissist

He's a misogynistic twat - end of.
Only you know whether you can stay married to someone like this

My friend left her emotionally abusive, alcoholic high earning husband last year. He also controlled her finances in a similar way to you.

Yes, she can’t afford to run a bmw and go on holiday 3 times a year. But my god the difference in her and more notably the kids is priceless. She says it’s like they have been living in a thunderstorm for 10 years and they have finally stepped out into the sunshine.

Good luck

Phone Women's Aid who will help you formulate a safe exit plan, and will help you do it if you want them to. They won't push you, they will just support you.

Tell people. Don't be embarrassed, this is not your fault and not your shame and not your responsibility. No matter what he says. If you have a close friend in real life tell them.

Do you have a close friend in rl? So many abused people have somehow become isolated over time (and then they have no one to confide in and no one to compare their experiences with).

Do you actually have no family, or have you lost touch with them? How did that happen? Was it before or after you met h?

You don't have to answer those questions on this thread unless you want to. They are worth pondering to yourself though.

There are no deposit options on some rentals these days and you can find somewhere furnished. Worth noting that letting fees are illegal now so that will save you quite a bit.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through OP, stay strong, it will be alright and I think you will feel so much freer and happier once you have got out.

OP would you need to leave the home? Is the rental contract in his name?

Agree with speaking to women’s aid.

Where I am, some rentals are fully furnished with very little difference in cost from unfurnished (I’m not sure why tbh) my first home as a teen mum was partially furnished which meant two double beds, kitchen table and chairs and 3 piece suite. Yes it wasn’t a lot but it was enough to do until I could afford to buy whatever else we needed. freecycle, gumtree freebies, and FB selling pages can also through up some fantastic things for little to no money.

But again, you may not have to leave your home if he will.

Also, it’s fine not to answer your phone when you know it’s not an emergency. I wouldn’t have answered his call this morning. You didn’t need to be told everything you’d done wrong did you? It could wait until you got home.

Lotapusht beat me to it, I was going to mention your NI contributions. Does he pay these? When he was unemployed did you claim any benefits? If you did, your NI contributions will be credited to your NI record, if not you (he!) needs to pay a chunk of money to the government to make up the deficit. If you don't have a full record of NI contributions when you retire, your state pension will be severely affected.

Who does your accounts? You need to see these, not just for the last year. From your description of your financial relationship it sound like you have no right to discuss the company accounts with his accountant, if he even has one and files proper accounts every year.

There's a benefits calculator here that can tell you what you would be entitled to as a single parent family.

Best wishes.

Start planning. If you are sure of your resolve to leave you can take a little time getting things sorted and funds in order. For saving money, make sure you get your own account as people have said. Also, things that you don't need that he wont miss, start selling them (ebay and paypal account can be good for this).

Is there really no way to a get money out of the business account? If not, could you think up a reason why you might need a substantial withdrawl that he will buy? Eg: something that greatly benefits him too. Or something that he knows you are paying for begrudgingly. Eg: 'oh the car is busted and is going to cost a grand to fix' or 'I saw this amazing thing the other day and think you would love it but it is a surprise, could you forward me a little extra this month?' stuff like that - but days before you leave so that he doesn't have time to ask. Its your money afterall so try get as much back as you can without alerting suspicion.

I suggest that the very first day he starts work properly, you move out. Take everything you need and go. No forewarning. Just go and deal with any divorcing from elsewhere. OH and before you go - make sure you take your name off any and all household bills so that you wont be responsible for them when you go.

Leave him he sounds like a massive arse

divorce him whilst he's got his high paying job.
i wouldn't be tolerating this bullshit.

Talk to women's aid, they can help with finances as well as safety and legal aspects.

Another avenue to perhaps try is most councils have a "welfare advices office" these are people who are experts on welfare benefits and often as a sort of by product they're usually very hot on financial support for those leaving domestic abuse. They tend to. be better on local knowledge than national agencies too.

Do you rent current home? If so is husband named on the tenancy? If not then I believe you can legally kick him out and you and the kids stay.

As for furnishing a potential new home why would you need to? Do you not own current furnishings? If current place is furnished and you would need to move out and have to furnish somewhere new then there's local Facebook pages, gumtree and freecycle where you can often find things being given away free or very cheaply.

My local Facebook pages for this kinda thing regularly have living room suites, beds, kitchen equipment etc that is in perfectly good working order being given away by better off folk who are upgrading or sometimes because items don't fit in the property they've moved into etc. I've friends all over uk and occasionally if they're giving away or asking to be considered on similar pages where they live I see it pop up on my feed so I know there's pages like this in most locations.

There's also charity shops, we have one near us that deals in large furnishings it's very popular because older stuff is solid and well made unlike modern flat pack crap! Plus it's already built! Prices are cheaper than the flat pack too and cheap delivery too.

Tell him to fuck.right.off

I’m really glad you feel that you can find the courage to think about making a life for yourself beyond the control of this man. You mentioned staying for the mortgage and security and my first thought is that him paying the mortgage might trap you further. You’d have half the equity buf that would be very little if you split soon after and would be offset by early mortgage repayment penalties etc. Moving into a furnished rented flat would be easier. Perhaps someone with more knowledge than me could advise...

Leave him. If he's earning 5x you then one fifth of that will go to you in maintenance and you'll have two wages then anyway :)

He's a cunt OP. An abusive controlling cunt.

Wow thank you all so so much - very practical advice thank you x am skooching around on internet looking into things as - XXcstatic advised , i am sheepishly sitting in minor injuried unit awaiting a clinician for my fat hand . Dh not happy as having to pit kids to bed . Meantime i get time to do some research thaank you levely people and hope u have all had a lovely day

Oh, get better OP!

Dh not happy as having to pit kids to bed

That's a test for him. Hope he does well otherwise ...

Set up your own account pronto. Your money needs to be paid into your own account

There are very few benefits now of being paid through a limited company so stop that shit.

He is controlling and abusive.

Speak to the accountant without DP being present and ask for advice and explain why. Be open. The accountant will want to keep your business so will help you. You are a good bet in the long term for the accountant as you will consistently need his help!

LTB.

Get your name off all the bills. And removed from any connection to his umbrella company. You do not want to be left responsible for his misdemeanours.

I’m so impressed you’ve managed to keep your whole family afloat on a RVN salary, I’m also a vet nurse and I can’t afford to wipe my arse half the time.
If you can do that for the best part of 18months OP you can definitely start again without him.
Good luck, with the hand too! (Also been there after bad cat attack!)

The fact that he’s unhappy cos he has to put the kids to bed speaks volumes!

LTB...to be honest if hes 'hit the drink rather hard' i wonder how long his contract will actually last, if he speaks to his collegues like he speaks to you not long i expect. He sound a right dick!

Definitely speak to Women's Aid and Council Advice place, as well as an accountant. One good thing about him working away is that he won't know what you are doing. It may be that you can retain the family home as he obviously has somewhere else to stay during the week. In any case, if you have to move out, you will surely be entitled to take furnishings and goods with you, particularly the children's things. You are entitled to a fair split and the children to their own things. He doesn't personally own everything that belongs to the family! After all, how much of your money went into the household while he was sitting on his arse getting shit faced?

I think a change is coming, and you’re slowly slowly gearing yourself up to make that change.