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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have red flags at this behaviour by DH

155 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 28/06/2019 22:20

Dh been unemployed for 18 months. Finally today found out has got a 12 month contract, extremely well paid and is literally a godsend for our family. I have been working my nuts off full time to support us and today , DH asked me to finish on time (4pm) so we can celebrate . I am a nirse and its just not always possible to walk out the door on time . He has literally just phoned me from the pub down the road and had a go at me for finishing at 410pm and it was a test which i failed and i need to now prioritise him as he was the one who was going to be working super hard and my job is just not as important . I am so so angry . For background, he has been depressed this year and has hit the drink rather hard and he is now this week on a high understandbly . However , i cant just walk out when my colleagus need help . He never understands this . Sorry for typos , am cross . For the record we have had similar arguments about work ethic and team playing etc before . Someone chuck cold water on me please .
So AIBU to prioritise my patients and their care before leaving on time even tjough it upsets dh ?

OP posts:

whatkatydidalready · 28/06/2019 22:34

WTF?

AnyFucker · 28/06/2019 22:37

You have sex with this man ?

TooManyPaws · 28/06/2019 22:37

What does he bring to this marriage that is positive, because he sounds a right dickhead? He drinks away his time and your money when being supported, refuses to accept your job is important and immediately demeans you as soon as he gets a job. I would be having a very harsh look at the relationship too. Nipples in public - is he also trying to control what you wear by saying your clothes are immodest?

Long. Hard. Look.

sevenoftwelve · 28/06/2019 22:38

He's this guy, isn't he? Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

ofred · 28/06/2019 22:39

OP yanbu
He sounds like a wanker
I wonder to people like him actually listen to themselves!
And well done to you for balancing everything for the last 18 months.
He's a dick

Original poster

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 28/06/2019 22:40

I know - am feeling a bit of a mug . Sorry feel should clarify i am a vet nurse not a human one - in case it changes what you all tthink - i am in awe of human nurses too obvs xx i have text him to say i am off to bed so he will probably stay at the pub and be steaming when he gets in if previous fridays are anything to go by. And now , boosted by your lovely comments, if he tries his usual trick of trying to stop me going tomorrow morning i am going to be firm . I have got all the childrens things together for their football tomorrow so all he has to do is get up, feed them and take them . I am not going to accept any more crap emotional blackmail . Good one

OP posts:

greensnail · 28/06/2019 22:40

I'm a nurse. DH earns about 6 times as much as I do. He would absolutely never act like his job is more important than mine and always will be the one to pick up DC if they are ill etc as he understands that I can't just walk out when patients are relying on me.

Shouldbedoing · 28/06/2019 22:40

I know what the nipple issue will have been - a disrespectful attempt to wrongfoot and undermine you in public, usually under circumstances where you had no option but to soldier on with your 'inappropriate' nipples on show. This is all controlling behaviour. I would use some of the time he has this lucrative employment to get your ducks in a row and file for divorce while he's still employed. This won't get better.
But you're smart, and you know this.
Testing you! How very dare he.

TriciaH87 · 28/06/2019 22:43

If you work in a hospital I would tell him that if he ever has a heart attack and flatlines he best check the time first as it could be shift changeover time. His an idiot what ever his job is yours is a priority over it. Firstly because nurses actually save lives and second because your jobs has put food on the table for the past 18 months.

Weezol · 28/06/2019 22:43

Who the fuck sets 'tests' for their spouse? Tell him to get tae fuck. He sounds an abysmal person all round - arrogant, patronising and selfish.
I have a chronic illness and have had hospital admissions from 24hrs to 4 months in duration over 20 years. I don't think I've ever seen a nurse, HCA or ward clerk walk out of the door bang on time. Thank you for not downing tools halfway through a cannulation or walking away during a personal care because the clock says so. Thank you.
You know you can support your family without his income. So, do you actually want to be with him?

1moremum · 28/06/2019 22:43

that he left for the pub without you and is prioritizing him finally getting a job over thanking you for carrying the family through his unemployment/drunk phase is all sorts of unreasonable even before you having to to leave 10 minutes late.

Did he actually say you 'failed a test'? that's rich as it doesn't sound like he is passing with flying colors just now.

TanyaChix · 28/06/2019 22:43

Oh my word. He’s trying to control you in a very unpleasant, unlikeable way. Absolutely nip it in the bud right now or tell him to sling it. How dare he!

Original poster

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 28/06/2019 22:46

Yes he has form for this sort of shit and everytime i name change and come on here MN keeps me sane . We have been married ten years and its such a rollercoaster. I am coming close to being done. Would you think me shallow if i said that the money is important - in a year we(he) could earn enough money for us to buy our own house and be secure ? I am thinking i would love that security for us and the kids and it would be worth it ? Usually i back down but for some reason today i am so bothered as i dont feel i have done anything wrong. I am also glad as it means he will be 300 miles away during the week and that will be a relief. The money is amazing - if he does not piss it away . He is already joking (?) About leasing a bloody masarati as its only 600 pounds a month . When i have not bought a new bra for a year ffs .

OP posts:

fedup21 · 28/06/2019 22:47

If he can earn such stupidly good money, why hasn’t he worked for eighteen months?!

Original poster

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 28/06/2019 22:48

Thanks everyone - you all make very valid points and i appreciate it very much xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 28/06/2019 22:49

Fed up - niche profession, alcohol dependant and confidence /anxiety /?depression that comes with that state x not trying to drip feed sorry - its just that things are often not black and white are they ? Xx

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 28/06/2019 22:50

Given your previous threads I'd be seriously looking at the finances here - now that he's working it might be a good time to end things.

Shouldbedoing · 28/06/2019 22:51

Oh God, the bra thing resonates. My ex H would buy £4K tvs while I wore bras that were older than my children.
Be strategic, be logical, be calculating.

Mrs9C · 28/06/2019 22:51

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Unemployment sucks, and it can really transform a man's personality, so I've found. It's a very lonely place. I hope he comes off the drink now he's got work...I don't really have any advice, just a really big hug.

fedup21 · 28/06/2019 22:51

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme

Fair enough.

Is the job something that he do competently whilst alcohol dependent?

Original poster

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 28/06/2019 22:53

Yes that has occured to me too but its the disentangling that scares me . If i could guarantee we would all amke it yo the other side unscathed i would. Thats why i find myself sometimes hoping he will meet someone else or have an affair so i can have a valid excuse for slinging him out ! They are my darkest thoughts tbh.

OP posts:

motherofcats81 · 28/06/2019 22:56

I remember your thread about the nipples OP, wasn't he also suggesting you shouldn't get "feminist ideas"? That would seem to fit with his attitude surrounding his work v your work.

Ellisandra · 28/06/2019 22:57

Are you really going to be able to buy a house with him pissing away the money and anyway trying to get a mortgage with a 12 month contact? You’ve managed on your salary before - there’s not point to him. He’s awful. 10 YEARS of your life you’re wasted complaining about him on MN? Fuck that. Get rid.

Sewrainbow · 28/06/2019 22:57

Cold water needs chucking in his direction not yours!!

I wouldn't do any "celebrating" with him and no way should you be putting his job first, even if you were half an hour late it wouldn't warrant such treatment but 10 mins and a "test" what a test!!!!

Original poster

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 28/06/2019 22:58

He says he will be alcohol free during the week. Which woild be a miracle as he has not had more than 4 alcohol free days for as long as i have known him . So yes he is high functioning - and entitled and self centred . If i coild get organised and aave some of that money i woild. But it all gord in his business account (including my locum wages ) so i have no access to it . Will have yo get more clever somehow ..

OP posts:

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