AIBU to have red flags at this behaviour by DH

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Dh been unemployed for 18 months. Finally today found out has got a 12 month contract, extremely well paid and is literally a godsend for our family. I have been working my nuts off full time to support us and today , DH asked me to finish on time (4pm) so we can celebrate . I am a nirse and its just not always possible to walk out the door on time . He has literally just phoned me from the pub down the road and had a go at me for finishing at 410pm and it was a test which i failed and i need to now prioritise him as he was the one who was going to be working super hard and my job is just not as important . I am so so angry . For background, he has been depressed this year and has hit the drink rather hard and he is now this week on a high understandbly . However , i cant just walk out when my colleagus need help . He never understands this . Sorry for typos , am cross . For the record we have had similar arguments about work ethic and team playing etc before . Someone chuck cold water on me please .
So AIBU to prioritise my patients and their care before leaving on time even tjough it upsets dh ?

Yes, money is nice. But it's not always worth it. I'd rather eat a pot noodle in a bedsit by myself than eat filet mignon in a mansion with a man like your DH. There is no price you can put on peace and calm, both in your home and within yourself.

Take a look at your marriage, your life with him. Think about how old you are and how much longer you expect to live. It's easy to say "I can deal with this" when you're only looking day to day. But do you really want to live the next 20, 30, 40, 50 YEARS the way you're living now?

And having now read the rest - talk to your boss at the vet place.
If they want to keep you on, they'd probably do better themselves to stop paying locum wages, as it's obviously more than normal wages.
You currently get NOTHING, so anything would be better than that - and they would probably be happy to pay you standard wages into your own bank account.

Cut out the middle man - end the contract with your husband's company, and go back as yourself - that is, if you can without incurring any sort of penalties that a controlling bastard would sue you over...

I'm sorry OP - he sounds vile. I don't think I could live with someone who treated and spoke to me like that. He seems to have zero respect for you. Vile. I hope you're ok.

there's tax changes underway, you need to be very careful about use of umbrella companies, great excuse to change the status quo. Talk to your agency about going to PAYE and get it paid into your bank account. Make sure you are not going to get any nasty back tax surprises

Testing you! What a douche bag. How ridiculous that is. I'd have shoved the wedding ring up his arse and told him to go to hospital and see what the poor staff have to deal with day in, day out, when they remove it.

OP, you know what you need to do.

Changing the bank account you're paid into is easy. What's difficult about it, for you, is the fall out with your horrible h which will be triggered by your even considering doing it. Get your head around that, fasten your Valkyrie pants securely and then do it. It's your money.

Work out the budget, divide it by 6 if he'll be earning 5 times what you do, and that's your share. Don't forget that if he's away all week, then you are doing almost all his share of childcare, housework and generally keeping everything going in his absence.

(Also, if he's away all week, it's a good reason to have control of all your earnings in your own account.)

So he is an alcoholic, can't hold a job down, controlling with money, disrespectful of you and sexist. Why do you want to stay with him? You won't see any of that money and for goodness sake don't tie yourself to a mortgage with him to buy a house. He only has a 12 month contract for a start so not permanent. Tell him to grow up and treat you with some respect or get out. Organise your wages to go into your account either personal or business. Under no circumstances should it go into his BA. How do you know he is not using it to buy alcohol.?

I think this needs careful planning. So many alarm bells ring for me reading your posts. Like pp said the changing of the bank account is easy but the fall out would be massive and I think potentially dangerous. It would be a huge loss of control for him and will almost certainly make him kick off in an unpleasant way.

I’m not trying to put you off though you definitely need to get your money for yourself and get out and away.

Before you do it OP make sure you have somewhere safe you and the children can go to. Could your parents take you in? He may not be violent necessarily but he will be angry / grumpy /manipulative in lots of other ways as a result.

Keep things ticking over and get some planning done while he’s 300 miles away. I think personally there is no saving this relationship. The best you can hope for is to get out safely.

Not to be all doom and gloom. You have a brilliant future ahead you have a good profession and you know you can support your family yourself. You just need to leave this utter controlling arsehole to get to that future.

I stayed with my husband for ages and justified his awful behaviour against his ability to earn shed loads of money. He earned about £9000 a month (pre tax) and did the whole own business/ contractor thing to save paying taxes. We still had to get a car loan because he spent so much on drugs/ alcohol. We could have brought our car outright with a couple of months of saving but he never saved a thing. I never saw the money.

I used to think “wow people would be shocked that little old me married someone on 6 figures”. But I wasn’t doing well at all my life was nothing to envy. I’d married an utter prick.

He sounds so similar to your dh. Could earn loads but misused alcohol and has to change jobs all the time because the people he works with are idiots

I’ve left I’m so glad I did. He pays towards our daughter but I can cope financially without him. The stability is wonderful. The not dealing with him everyday is wonderful! I have more money now without him. I never saw the mega bucks and I suspect neither will you. Be free op it’s worth it!!

XXVaginaAndAUterus

No it doesn't have to go through HIS business account. You simply go self-employed, open yourself a business account and give your employer the new account details. These things might sound complicated but are very easy.

Its not that simple , you cannot just go self employed , HMRC have certain criteria you have to be able to meet to be able to be self employed....hence why she is working under an umbrella company

Ten minutes. Ten minutes you were late and you get grief and failed a test. That is bonkers.
You need to get your ducks in a row. Then when you have your paperwork in place and arrangements to leave set up, get your wages paid into your own account so when you do actually leave you'll have one whole months salary at least to keep you going. Because the shit is going to hit the fan when he realises he's lost control of your wages. Just before you leave can you also manufacture a reason to get some extra cash out of him too?

I'm talking about the practicalities of leaving him because even you know deep down that you have to. It's just gathering the strength to do so isn't it? You say if you can guarantee that you'll come out of it unscathed you would leave. I guarantee that if you don't leave you'll end up miserable. Isn't it worth taking that chance to be happy?

If he has big mood swings - does he have a psychiatric issue like bipolar?

Hmm, I would have thought that you should still be receiving a salary or dividends from the business account. Also, if he will be putting a large amount of funds into the account it will be much more tax efficient for both of you to get a decent income from it and ensure that your tax free and 20 pc tax bands are bring fully used as a minimum.

It sounds like you are so used to dealing with this that you don’t realise how awful it is.

The ‘test’ thing and the emotional blackmail to spend time with your family is a form of control. Going to your job and your seminar is for your family because you have worked for 18 months to support them. So not only is he devaluing your (sole) contribution here, he is devaluing you as a mother (whereas you have made arrangements for DC and basically he needs to step up as a father).

The money issue is worse as you do not have an independent income - despite being the sole breadwinner - and therefore he effectively ensures you cannot leave (and he can spend your money on booze...)

Lots of good advice on here to disentangle finances - I would certainly do that once he is working away and then take steps to disentangle your lives. He will seem worse and get worse the weekends he is there as he will need to do more to retain the control as he is not there during the week.

I do not think your thoughts on him are that dark, they are you recognising the reality of the situation you are in and recognising that you want a better life than this. I mean, if you can support your DC and him for 18 months, you can continue to do this without him.

In terms of coming out unscathed, what are your precise fears? Physical violence or the increasing attempts to control psychologically? It took me years and a court case after separating to get fully out and have the boundaries in place and situation where his control is minimal.

Its not that simple , you cannot just go self employed , HMRC have certain criteria you have to be able to meet to be able to be self employed....hence why she is working under an umbrella company

That's absolutely untrue - anyone who does not get taxed through PAYE for any or all of their income simply files a self assessment tax return. I am self employed (currently partially, for many years fully) and there are no criteria to meet (I don't have my own business, I am just a freelance contractor) You do not have to work under an umbrella company and you do not have to have a business account.

You could speak to an accountant about this if you want but you don't need too, it's all there on the HMRC website.

In the same profession ,and no you cannot just walk out on the dot,life/illness doesn't work like that in this job!
He's being incredibly selfish!How about a thankyou/celebration for you supporting him and the family whilst he hasn't been!

I agree. The HMRC website is very helpful and umbrella companies are not necessarily beneficial as the rules keep changing. You are actually being financially abused OP.

Read the post from allhalethekale at 03.13

Morning lovelies x i made it to my seminar day - was enjoying a cuppa on arrival but he has just rung me screaming that i should jave organised everything better for today as he is understandbly aleanting to take it easy today . I got out football kits ready but evidentally thats not enough . I have read all your comments and , after sleeping on it , i have decided that i am going to start planning . Small bits . Allhalekale ' s post made me sad - so so spot on - its like holding a mirror up. It has massively resonated - thank you for sharing that xx there was also someone talking about how it felt to never have the things everyone else had in the army . Thats true and a good point - our kids dint go without but we could do so much more if he did not spend so much money on alcohol .I know money isnt everything but wli have never had any so i thought it may help ! And yes yes to everyone else he works with is awful - never himself . Thanks for the money advice - i am neither a director or shareholder so could extricate myself from the Ltd compamy and be self employed. I think i have to lay ground work forst before the final thing . I have been this pissed off before but then he suddenly becomes the wonderful version of himself again just in time of course. This time i am goung to set myself a time goal - not sure when yet i need to set a practical timeline. Thanks - i wish i had u all here in RL really

The push me over the edge was a fine that was in his mail when he came home last night. A fine from not entering his number plate for a carpark we parked in next to a pub we went for a family meal last week. There are massive signs on the bar , in car park , ipads on the bar , warnings. He prdered food and drinks i took children off but its my bloody fault we got a fine because i did not actually tell him to put his number in . Wtf ? I think i genuinely give up now .

I have read and reread every post - thank you x does anyone have any suggestions where ot how we can leave if i have no family and no money at the moment - how do i save for a deposit on rent ? How do i furnish somewhere to go ? X

If you can't access any money and don't want to give him notice by asking for any, then you are going to have to do this with only one months wages to hand as you can leave straight after your money is paid into a new account. Is there anything you can take to sell? Can you start stockpiling extra groceries/clothes etc in preparation? Have you got parents to help you?

You can try for a proper division of marital assets after you have left but in the meantime get to CAB to see what help there is available. I think there may be furniture grants etc but these might be income dependent. Also an interest free credit card might be able to help you out short term, but obviously be wary of that.

You’ve had so much good odvoce on here, hope you have a good day

its my bloody fault we got a fine because i did not actually tell him to put his number in

Insane. Get out now. This is abusive and profoundly unattractive that he takes no responsibility. Fucking manchild.