I think I remember replying to one of your other threads. And from what you say read others. Did he refuse to even consider applying for jobs outside of his niche area?
It sounds like this is very very far from the only problem you have with him!
He sounds a selfish fucking knob!
He needs to grow the fuck up, start showing you some respect & appreciation or get gone to be honest!
Why are you tolerating his nonsense?
"but its the disentangling that scares me . If i could guarantee we would all amke it yo the other side unscathed" what makes you think staying in the marriage = all making it to the other side unscathed?
If you have sons this is teaching them to treat girls and women like shit! If you have daughters it's teaching them to put up with being treated like shit!
"But it all gord in his business account (including my locum wages )" why?! Are you afraid of him? Genuine question.
"Ask your boss to pay your wages into your account." It sounds like in effect dh is op's boss
Quite honestly op I think you'd be better off getting a job elsewhere not tied to him, I'm sure you could get good refs from your locum employers.
You cannot rely on him for anything he will drag you down.
He won't always be a functioning alcoholic either.
I have seen this with my own parents, my father is the alcoholic and my mum has done her best to hold it together over the years, he was functioning while he was still in the army but after leaving was basically drinking all the time. Even when he was "functioning", too much money was being spent on booze so it wasn't available for other things.
My parents are both still in denial over this but we definitely missed out on things as a result. Not essentials, we were fed, clothed in a basic way but given dad was on a pretty good wage at the end of his career and mum was a hard worker and working full time too, mum really shouldn't have had to very carefully budget for groceries, school uniform, shoes, cutting our hair herself, and patching up her own clothes and only getting a haircut twice a year herself. Being as we were army brats we had direct comparisons, we had friends who's dads were on exactly the same wage as ours who's mums didn't work and yet they had more expensive groceries, uniform/clothes, shoes, went to hairdressers, went on the school trips that had to be paid for, had more holidays, days out etc.
Even now my parents give it "you never went without" which strictly speaking we didn't but we did notice, and we felt embarrassed, and it's very much affected how we are as adults.
If you think your kids don't notice, don't feel how living in such a toxic and awkward atmosphere affects you all then I'm sorry but you're very naive and in denial.
I WISH my mum had left my dad, we actually begged her several times.
She admits she regrets staying now, claims it was "for the kids" as she didn't want us having the stigma of "coming from a broken home" but she's still with him.
It's complicated. I get that my mum was a victim of abuse but I also struggle with the fact that even with us and her family begging her to leave him. Her family would have happily and ably supported us all financially and in every other way. That she chose to stay.
Please don't fall into the trap of thinking "better the devil you know"