To skip a birthday party that I promised to attend

[Likepebblesonthebeach]

It is my best friends fiancées big birthday tomorrow night. They have arranged a party in a hotel in another county. It is around 60/90 mins drive. As it’s so far away & we are so broke this month I plan on driving. I could stay in the hotel but again, I’m broke & going solo as DH has to mind our kids. We have lots of mutual friends so don’t mind going solo or not drinking at all.
DS has had a vomiting bug since Monday. He had two huge vomits today, one near bedtime. I don’t want to leave DH with a sick child and a young baby. I am also knackered from a week of cleaning up vomit and lack of sleep - DS is waking at night with vomits or fever.

I’m such a people pleaser that I don’t want to flake - it will look like I just can’t be bothered with the drive.
Either DS will still be I’ll and I’ll need to help DH or DS will be better and I’d love nothing more than a bottle of wine & take away with DH after a rotten week.

Well done OP and good for your friends as well for being reasonable people. You've called them and explained; they accept that your DC is ill and you might be a walking germfest, and you've all agreed to get together another time, with no one sulking or stropping.

It's fine to be exasperated with guests who just don't turn up to a major event, or cancel because they're 'tired' - but equally fine to not go to something if you are ill/contagious/have some other valid reason other than being an anti-social wanker with 'self-care' issues ie a total inability to put yourself out for anyone else.

on my 40th birthday I had a party at a smart bar organised for friends - this was just before I met DH.

I invited loads of people including 1 friend (who is a single mum) and a good few didn't come for various reasons - one was 'financial' due to white goods etc.

I've been to their parties etc since but I have actually made a mental note of who did and who didn't bother to come. Even if it was to show their face and have one drink I wouldn't have minded.

So yes, I'd go, OP.

I don’t make a huge effort for those who have bailed on me for special events in the past for weak reasons. I’ll only go if I feel like it on the day. They are obviously relaxed about hosting a party with only a few guests as happy to inflict that on others. They are very low priority. For the other trouper friends for their important events I m there unless I am literally in bed myself with flu which is pretty unlikely

TheCat that’s a weird attitude imo, if they had to shell out unexpectedly for new white goods because something broke, then financial reasons sound like a very legitimate reason they couldn’t go? Unless it was ‘oh we fancy buying a new smeg fridge instead’.

There is a big difference between people who always bail for woolly reasons and people who genuinely are ill/can’t afford it/have another change in circumstance that would mean attending is difficult. I’m genuinely surprised people are so rigid and inflexible about this. As I said earlier, I’ve always taken the view that when planning a big event that requires hiring a venue or paying for food you take into account that 10% of invitees are likely to bail? I’d be more surprised if everyone turned up! I think it depends on the kind of event as well. Formal, where the hosts have paid good money to put it on etc, yes, I believe there is a case to make for making more of an effort to go rather than ‘seeing how you feel on the day’ but not if your health or wellbeing would genuinely be compromised. More casual, like birthday drinks in a pub, yes, I very much do take a ‘see how I feel on the day’ approach and have zero issue with people doing the same. Everyone needs to chill!

It’s also very entitled to think people are obligated to make such a big effort for you! Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed

I think it's a bit self absorbed to think that others put as much importance on your own party as you do.

I'm debating whether or not to have a 50th celebration for this very reason. I would have set costs for drinks and food, and there is a risk that people wouldn't turn up.

I have to admit that I would accept an invite to such an evening, but unless it was a really good friend, then if I was tired or not in the mood, or it involved a long drive, then I may well bail ( with an excuse of course as I'm not a complete boor).

Before reading the last update from you OP, I was going to suggest than you don't go and that you invite them out for dinner or something next month if you'll have a bit more cash spare.
No best friend would make another feel bad when there are good reasons!

Glad it's worked out and you don't even have to feel guilty - although hope all children are feeling better quickly of course!!

Just say your ill aswell-i wouldnt expect my bf to come to my dh party that far away

Sorry missed the update-hope everyone is better soon

You may have the big but no symptoms yet.explain to your bf that you don't want to pass a possible infectious big into them so will miss this party.
Apologise and I'm sure she will be ok,nobody wants to be ill!
Hope your dc is better still and you get some rest🌺