To skip a birthday party that I promised to attend

[Likepebblesonthebeach]

It is my best friends fiancées big birthday tomorrow night. They have arranged a party in a hotel in another county. It is around 60/90 mins drive. As it’s so far away & we are so broke this month I plan on driving. I could stay in the hotel but again, I’m broke & going solo as DH has to mind our kids. We have lots of mutual friends so don’t mind going solo or not drinking at all.
DS has had a vomiting bug since Monday. He had two huge vomits today, one near bedtime. I don’t want to leave DH with a sick child and a young baby. I am also knackered from a week of cleaning up vomit and lack of sleep - DS is waking at night with vomits or fever.

I’m such a people pleaser that I don’t want to flake - it will look like I just can’t be bothered with the drive.
Either DS will still be I’ll and I’ll need to help DH or DS will be better and I’d love nothing more than a bottle of wine & take away with DH after a rotten week.

Good thing we’re not friends then

You have a good reason not to go but make sure you do tell your BFF.

There is a special place in hell for people who agree to attend parties and then just don’t turn up with no reason or apology given.

Also don’t get me going about people who can’t be arsed to respond to invites despite being nagged. Ex NDN you are a C* sir, you were invited to a sit down meal with your wife so tell us if you are coming. Sulking because we didn’t invite your teenage sons doesn’t cut it with us. (They are teenagers so would be bored and hoover up all the food so not wanted)

If we look at this the other way around - "DH is insisting on going to his best friend's PARTNER'S birthday party over an hour away, leaving me at home with a sick toddler and a baby. Is he being a fuckwit?" - well I think we all know the answer to this.

If you've had a sick toddler and a baby, you'd probably get it. If not, don't judge.

If I were the best friend, I would understand that my friend's need to stay and home (and yes, probably not infect people) was greater than my need to have her there.

What kind of best friend would say NO you can't stay home with your sick kid and baby just because you're exhausted and want to participate in team parenting with your dh - drop him in the shit (literally, perhaps) and come, knackered, to my other half's party.

So what if you are contagious or crash on the way home because you fall asleep at the wheel. It's more important to show up in a room with 50 or 100 other people and look pretty and smile and have a good time, dammit. So shut up and put up, I'm more important than your dh and kids.

“So what if you are contagious or crash on the way home because you fall asleep at the wheel. It's more important to show up in a room with 50 or 100 other people and look pretty and smile and have a good time, dammit. So shut up and put up, I'm more important than your dh and kids.”

Do you have any idea how pathetic and drama queen this sounds? 😭 OP just doesn’t fancy it. She’s rather catch up on sleep. We all have sympathy for that but sometimes when you say you’ll do things you just have to suck it up when the day comes and you don’t feel quite as enthusiastic as you did

If someone had been looking after a puking child all week I’d ban them from my party! You might not have symptoms but it doesn’t mean you aren’t infectious.

Saying if you accept an invite you have to go at all costs is ridiculous. Yes, if nothing changes between the invite and the event then you should go, but life happens, illnesses happen, circumstances change. I think it’s naive to throw a party and except absolutely everyone invited to turn up, there’s always a few bailers for various reasons. That should be factored in when planning it tbh

Just don't go OP.

A compassionate friend would understand your need to look after your wellbeing and top your fuel tank up.

Self care isn't selfish.

We start to putting ourselves first and recognising that we cant be all things to all people.

@AdoreTheBeach it is in another county not country

It is not a formal sit down meal, it will be a big party with lots of other people there so I won’t be missed. I just didn’t want to seem like I was making up excuses not to go because of the distance.

@Passthecherrycoke "we just have to suck it up"

No we don't. If you choose to thats fine.

Iv reached an age where my health & wellbeing & happiness come first .

Well that’s fine. I’d find it hard to Enjoy health wellbeing and happiness with no friends to socialise with

If your DS has been vomiting all week he’s your priority at the moment and you need to get him checked out. I would call the GP for advice x

I can’t believe there are so many martyrs who put themselves and their own well-being so far down their list of priorities. I wouldn’t think twice about bailing in this situation and would be completely understanding if a friend did for this reason

passthecherrycoke maintaining friendships doesnt mean martyring yourself and always putting your needs last though! 🙄

This is a one off. It’s not martyring yourself

You could give everyone at the event the bug. Let em know why you can't come, problem solved.

Unfortunately OP that’s exactly how it will seem.

YABU not wanting to go as you don't want to leave dh to deal with it when you've been looking after ds all week

YANBU not wanting to go because ds is ill or not wanting to pass it around

YANBU if you're skint

@AnchorDownDeepBreath @Bluntness100 he caught the bug in preschool on Monday from his little friend. That’s how I knew it was contagious. DS is a very weak boy and takes longer to recover and catches every bug going! I messaged his friends DM last night to see how long he had been vomiting for and he is in hospital. It has been 5 days.

I messaged BF when I found this out and he asked me not to attend party as 2 of his guests are very early pregnant. I contacted his fiancé and said I will make it up to him next week with dinner.

I never flake on parties as I LOVE an excuse for getting dressed up and leaving my house!

DH is a very capable dad but coping with a vomiting toddler and 7 month old is not easy - I know, I’ve had a week of it!

That’s perfect! Well done!
That poor little boy! Hope he’s ok and hope you’re all ok too

'You sound really flakey. This is the sort of thing best friends go to imo'

No, a real best friend would (a) believe the friend; (2) accept that a person's health and family come before attending a party. If someone got angry with me for cancelling on a party invitation because of a family member's illness, then I wouldn't consider them as a best friend: it is far more important to me that people should understand and accept my own and my family's health needs than that they should attend every event that I organize. Of course, it goes without saying that you should send apologies and not just fail to turn up. And of course it could be a different matter if you ALWAYS found an excuse to cancel an arrangement, but it doesn't sound as though this is the case. PS driving several hours when you are exhausted has its own dangers! Sometimes people have no choice but to do so; but if you have a choice, then I wouldn't do so, for your own sake and that of other road users.

Just read your update. Well done; sounds like all is sorted, and you made the right decision. Sorry about your son's friend - I do hope he is better soon!

Noro virus has been going round here kids ill all over the place you are wise (not flakey ) to consider not going even before the conversation with your friend.

Ah that's great @Likepebblesonthebeach. I was going to say that if it was definitely a bug, they might be happier if you stay away!

Enjoy Friday night with DH, and I hope your son gets better soon

Whatever you say will just look like an excuse, unfortunately. So I guess it’s a matter of whether you want to risk upsetting your friend.

Annabelle so you think any time anyone cancels on anything it’s an excuse? Yes fair enough if they do it EVERY time but surely you just understand and accept that shit happens sometimes?

I wouldn't go. Kids come first. Your kids might be fine now hopefully, which means you get some 'me' time and lots of wine. And if they're night fine tonight and need mummy cuddles, then you'll be in the right place. A grown up should understand poorly babas of any age come first.