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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To skip a birthday party that I promised to attend

135 replies

Likepebblesonthebeach · 27/06/2019 23:51

It is my best friends fiancées big birthday tomorrow night. They have arranged a party in a hotel in another county. It is around 60/90 mins drive. As it’s so far away & we are so broke this month I plan on driving. I could stay in the hotel but again, I’m broke & going solo as DH has to mind our kids. We have lots of mutual friends so don’t mind going solo or not drinking at all.
DS has had a vomiting bug since Monday. He had two huge vomits today, one near bedtime. I don’t want to leave DH with a sick child and a young baby. I am also knackered from a week of cleaning up vomit and lack of sleep - DS is waking at night with vomits or fever.

I’m such a people pleaser that I don’t want to flake - it will look like I just can’t be bothered with the drive.
Either DS will still be I’ll and I’ll need to help DH or DS will be better and I’d love nothing more than a bottle of wine & take away with DH after a rotten week.

OP posts:
LazyDaisey · 28/06/2019 07:32

This reminds me of that post where the OP said the guy invited tons of people to his birthday party including family, colleagues and neighbours and only a few couples showed up (including the OP who was a neighbour). It was one of the saddest things I’ve read.

Winterlife · 28/06/2019 07:32

I would go, but text your friend beforehand and tell her your son has been ill all week with a bug, so you have to leave early. Stay an hour then go home.

MsTSwift · 28/06/2019 07:32

I always feel that those who are quick to endorse bailing have never actually held a party themselves- or probably gone to one for that matter

Loopytiles · 28/06/2019 07:33

You knew about the location when you accepted the invitation.

Presumably you’ve been alone during the day all week with poorly DS and a young baby, so DH should be fine to handle it for just one evening.

If, however, you’re too exhausted after your difficult week to make the journey, that’s fair enough.

Limpshade · 28/06/2019 07:33

Hmm, I'm in two minds about this.

On one hand, I've been in your position and I know how knackering it is, and how much you probably just want to get under a duvet and sleep as much as you're able to.

On the other hand, it sounds likely that this will be the kind of party you'll remember for a long time to come and you'll probably regret it if you don't go. It might actually be the treat you need after your time in the trenches this week.

If I were you, I'd put on my best party face and go (there aren't many opportunities to get dressed up and socialise with friends as a mum of a toddler and baby!), but I don't think you'd be unreasonable not to.

mummmy2017 · 28/06/2019 07:33

Tell your BF the truth ..
That son has been tossing his cookies all week, that you don't feel 100% and your worried about bringing the bug along as well.
If my friend told me this , I would be more worried about her being ill than I would about her missing a party.

rwalker · 28/06/2019 07:36

I don;t think you wanted to go anyway.
Doesn't need 2 to look after kids even though 1 is ill I would still go and if it was the other way round my wife would go.

Sandybval · 28/06/2019 07:40

5 days is a long time for the child to be sick, how old is he? Up to you whether you go, but be honest with your friend- the worst part of someone flaking is when they lie about why. Just say that your little one is unwell and you dont want to leave him. Although you might find you enjoy it, I would jump at the chance Grin

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 28/06/2019 07:44

I would at least show my face for a while.

It would be exceptionally rude to have accepted and then not show.

Your husband can cope for a few hours. But as pp say, it really sounds like you didn't want to go anyway, but you made your bed...

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 28/06/2019 07:49

I cant believe people saying you should go.

Circumstances change. Be compassionate to yourself... if your wellbeing needs you to stay at home do that.

expat101 · 28/06/2019 07:54

You sound tired OP. You might well make the drive there ok, but what about the drive back?

Send your apologies and promise to catch up over lunch soon.

RiftGibbon · 28/06/2019 07:55

Not wanting to pass the bug on is perfectly valid. You could always suggest an alternative celebration at a later date if you feel you need to 'repay' the original invitation.

trilbydoll · 28/06/2019 07:58

I think generally if you've rsvpd then yes you should go but on this occasion you might make everyone ill which isn't very good guest behaviour.

We've been to a few parties recently where we thought there would be loads of people and we were pretty much the only ones there, I think people are generally quite flaky these days.

snitzelvoncrumb · 28/06/2019 08:04

As a mum who is just recovering from d&v after a week of looking after everyone else having it, I can assure you it's ok to stay home. Your family will always come first regardless of accepting an invitation. I'm sure the guests don't want to catch it, and what happens if you start to feel sick at the party then have to drive home?

MsTSwift · 28/06/2019 08:05

Eventually widespread flakiness will mean people will stop bothering to hold parties at all then you can all stay home forever

ComeAndDance · 28/06/2019 08:06

It’s your choice but if someone was telling me they are not coming because they dint want to leave their DH, the father, with a baby and a sick child, I would be Hmm

I think that if you have said you were going, knowing the money issue etc.., that you have already taken into account anyway, then you should be going. It would be very poor form to cancel like this at the last minute wo a good reason.

ComeAndDance · 28/06/2019 08:07

snitzel thé thing is, the OP is NOT recovering from D&V. She hasn’t been ill at all and isn’t ill herself.
She has a child who is ill and a father who can look after him.

Fortheloveofscience · 28/06/2019 08:16

I can’t stand flakey people, find it really rude. IMO if you agree to do something, then doing it is basic adulting unless you’re actually ill which the OP isn’t. All this “self care”, “look after yourself” stuff is (obviously) so selfish I don’t see why you’d let down a good friend because you’ve had a tough week. That’s just life, surely? Sometimes tough weeks happen and (mental health issues aside) you get your head down and get to the end of them.

Really wish flakey people would just decline all invitations that were even slightly inconvenient to them rather than pretend they have any intention of actually going.

drowningincustard · 28/06/2019 08:17

Really only you know your relationship with your BFF and her fiancee. If you are so close I am guessing you know lots about this party and whether its important for her for you to be there. Give her a call - talk to her honestly. If this is a genuine BFF then she could well tell you to stay home and relax.
Also put yourself in her shoes honestly, how would you feel if you organise a big birthday and your BFF doesn't come because she is tired?
In my view I would be gutted if you cancel. Since becoming a mum I know that horrific exhaustion but I also know I have been able to muddle through in ways that I never imagined possible.
For good friends and family I would go. For people that are a bit outside that category and weren't counting on me I would drop out...

Boulezvous · 28/06/2019 08:23

I can't quite see why your DH can't look after baby and sick child if you can. Don't make a rod for your back by presuming you DH can't cope like you can. You will de-skill him and enslave yourself. Children benefit from the different styles of parenting.

Bignicetree · 28/06/2019 08:27

Very rude to back out now

it’s an invite not a summons i can’t stand that saying / it misses totally the reality of some of these situations and relationships.

This

MzHz · 28/06/2019 08:33

The numbers of times we see AIBU threads about how some mother has 2 kids being ill and what a selfish fucker her oh is for still going out, let alone to a party 90mins away... when money is tight too!

Op, if you don’t think you should go - and there IS a risk you could take the bug to the party - then absolutely don’t go.

Make plans to go and see your friend another time and drop off the present then or pop the card in the post today

rookiemere · 28/06/2019 08:33

I think it's fine to back out but agree with some that you need to text now and say you have the vomiting bug as that's the only decent excuse that will wash and isn't too far from the truth.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/06/2019 08:34

I think it is reasonable to cancel because there is a strong chance you are incubating this bug yourself and therefore likely to be infectious. Though it's also true that some children's D&V bugs don't seem to be very contagious to adults (perhaps because we are generally better at washing our hands and not touching other people's food than small DC are).
I'm with the PP who say: call your friend and talk to her. Let her know that you might be contagious because your DC has been spewing all week, and you're worried about spreading the germs. If she makes it clear that she really, really wants you to go, then suck it up and go (with some hand sanitizer in your pocket) and leave early.
Because, as other PP said, it's utterly miserable to organise a party and have guest after guest either bail out or simply not show up. The fashion for whiny self-obsession and laziness getting in the way of basic courtesy does seem to be on the increase.

SoupDragon · 28/06/2019 08:35

She hasn’t been ill at all and isn’t ill herself.

Except she's knackered from having been up every night with the sick child.

What sort of best friend wouldn't understand that? Only a twattish one.

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