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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To skip a birthday party that I promised to attend

135 replies

Likepebblesonthebeach · 27/06/2019 23:51

It is my best friends fiancées big birthday tomorrow night. They have arranged a party in a hotel in another county. It is around 60/90 mins drive. As it’s so far away & we are so broke this month I plan on driving. I could stay in the hotel but again, I’m broke & going solo as DH has to mind our kids. We have lots of mutual friends so don’t mind going solo or not drinking at all.
DS has had a vomiting bug since Monday. He had two huge vomits today, one near bedtime. I don’t want to leave DH with a sick child and a young baby. I am also knackered from a week of cleaning up vomit and lack of sleep - DS is waking at night with vomits or fever.

I’m such a people pleaser that I don’t want to flake - it will look like I just can’t be bothered with the drive.
Either DS will still be I’ll and I’ll need to help DH or DS will be better and I’d love nothing more than a bottle of wine & take away with DH after a rotten week.

OP posts:
pictish · 28/06/2019 06:26

Um...well. On the one hand you have accepted the invitation and said you’ll attend...but on the other, parties in locations miles away are a pain in the arse.
So I’m on the fence.

Artesia · 28/06/2019 06:30

winterisstillcoming if you think OP should “just be honest, she’s your BFF”, why suggest she lies about her other child and DP being ill too? Confused

category12 · 28/06/2019 06:33

You said you'd go and you'll probably enjoy it when you get there. It's rude to back out at this stage.

UnderPompeii · 28/06/2019 06:33

Strange replies here, usually on MN any time a vomiting bug is mentioned posters are told they shouldn't go near anyone in case they pass it on. I'd explain you have a sickness bug in the house and stay home and rest OP.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 28/06/2019 06:33

You should go.

Beautiful3 · 28/06/2019 06:34

Just say the family has a virus and that you're sorry you can't make it. Stay at home and enjoy your takeaway.

AuntieStella · 28/06/2019 06:40

Your DH will be absolutely fine looking after the DC. And they will be fine with that.

You sound as if you could do with a break. Go to the party

scaevola · 28/06/2019 06:41

"Strange replies here, usually on MN any time a vomiting bug is mentioned posters are told they shouldn't go near anyone in case they pass it on."

That's when the person has the bug. Non-symptomatic contacts not need to restrict activities

AdoreTheBeach · 28/06/2019 06:43

60 to 90 minute drive isn’t really a big deal. That’s the amount of time many spend getting to or from London for a night out.

One country to another - Wales to England, Belgium to Netherlands? Red herring in your tale.

If your BFF paid for a sit down meal, I’d make every effort to go after you’d RSVP you’re going.

HOWEVER, D&V can spread through the family so I would indeed send the text a PP detailed letting BFF know it’s been happening with your DC and if your other DC, DH or you catch it, you wouldn’t be able to make it (PP wording much better).

To the PP stating an invitation isn’t a summons, of course it isn’t. But if you then RSVP (say you’re going) and not go, that’s rude. It may be excused with a valid reason you can no longer go.

soupey1 · 28/06/2019 06:47

I recently attended a “big party”, the hostess hired a big venue and ordered in lots of food, on the day almost half the guests who had all said they were coming didn’t. The hostess was devastated , so much food went to waste and the hall felt empty.
I guess each guest thought that it didn’t matter if they didn’t go.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/06/2019 06:47

I’d message now with a small white lie saying “I’m so sorry I won’t be able to make the party, we’ve come down with a vomiting bug. Hope you all have a fantastic night”.

CupoTeap · 28/06/2019 06:49

@AdoreTheBeach it's County not Country.

NauseousMum · 28/06/2019 06:50

Situations change. Your knackered, your family is to and your kids are poorly.

It's a birthday party, unless she's paid per head she's not lost anything if you don't come. My friend has been in a similar situation and while i was disappointed we arranged another date to catch up and i was happy not to pick up a vom bug!

NoSauce · 28/06/2019 07:04

I’m surprised at all the “don’t go” replies.
Your son is ill not you so you won’t definitely be passing the bug on. If you don’t want to go then don’t go but don’t use the excuse of the sick bug.
I’m sure DH will cope and hopefully DS will be feeling better soon.

gamerchick · 28/06/2019 07:11

2-3 hours round trip after a week like that and you know you'll be taxi for people afterwards, especially if you are all from the same county.

I think your best friend will understand.

MsTSwift · 28/06/2019 07:15

I would definitely go. Can’t stand party bailers. What if everyone flaked and they are there alone? You’ll enjoy it when you get there as my mother used to say

yearinyearout · 28/06/2019 07:17

Of course you shouldn't go, just text your friend and explain. If it was your best friend's birthday I'd be more inclined to encourage you to go but her fiancée will have all their own friends and family there, you not going won't make any difference to them.

Impatienceismyvirtue · 28/06/2019 07:21

I’m usually one for saying if you’ve accepted the invite then come he’ll or high water you must go.

But I wouldn’t thank you for turning up to my party if you’d knowingly been in contact with a D&V bug all week!

winterisstillcoming · 28/06/2019 07:24

@Artesia , sorry I thought all were ill apart from OP

Baritriwsahys · 28/06/2019 07:24

Strange replies here, usually on MN any time a vomiting bug is mentioned posters are told they shouldn't go near anyone in case they pass it on.

Surely that only applies to people that have a vomiting bug? OP does not.

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 28/06/2019 07:27

Your son is ill not you so you won’t definitely be passing the bug on.

Hmm

"Oh Hai, Birthday boy who is not directly my friend! Would you like to play Russian Roulette? I've been looking after a kid with D&V all week, so I'm either infectious but not showing symptoms yet, or covered in D&V virus I'm ready to share with you and all your guests, or both, what fun!!"

YABU for skiving because your DH won't cope for a few hours/you're tired. YABU for not considering that nobody at the party wants a D&V virus to take home.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 28/06/2019 07:28

If you don't want to go don't, it will upset your friend. You shouldn't need to help your husband care for his own two children because one is a bit poorly, this sounds like an excuse because you can't be bothered. Have a sofa night the following night and put yourself out for your supposed best friend.

Marlena1 · 28/06/2019 07:28

I think it totally depends. Does he have lots of friends/ does your friend have others going? Are they worried about numbers? Your child is sick and 90 minutes round trip is long when you're driving late. I never cancel but there are sometimes good reasons. I would maybe text your friend and suss out the situation. If she seems really disappointed you'll know. If she says it's no problem you can relax.

gerispringer · 28/06/2019 07:29

Definitely no to going. It’s an adult birthday party, you have a sick child. You’d be going on your own and have a long drive. No one will really mind one way or another. Stay home and chill out.

AyBeeCee10 · 28/06/2019 07:30

Yanbu I would lie and say you caught the bug. Tell her asap so it doesnt look last minute. I honestly have become less social with small dc.