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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To skip a birthday party that I promised to attend

135 replies

Likepebblesonthebeach · 27/06/2019 23:51

It is my best friends fiancées big birthday tomorrow night. They have arranged a party in a hotel in another county. It is around 60/90 mins drive. As it’s so far away & we are so broke this month I plan on driving. I could stay in the hotel but again, I’m broke & going solo as DH has to mind our kids. We have lots of mutual friends so don’t mind going solo or not drinking at all.
DS has had a vomiting bug since Monday. He had two huge vomits today, one near bedtime. I don’t want to leave DH with a sick child and a young baby. I am also knackered from a week of cleaning up vomit and lack of sleep - DS is waking at night with vomits or fever.

I’m such a people pleaser that I don’t want to flake - it will look like I just can’t be bothered with the drive.
Either DS will still be I’ll and I’ll need to help DH or DS will be better and I’d love nothing more than a bottle of wine & take away with DH after a rotten week.

OP posts:
BuzzShitbagBobbly · 28/06/2019 08:35

People like the OP are one of the major reasons I will never host a party. I'd be terrified everyone would just assume "other people" will turn up so they can flake out.

Bluntness100 · 28/06/2019 08:36

I know this isn't what you're posting about, but I'd be very concerned your son has been vomiting for five days. Has he seen a doctor?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/06/2019 08:39

If he's been vomiting for five days and nobody else has caught it, it doesn't sound contagious. Has he seen a doctor?

Pinkfinkle · 28/06/2019 08:41

Just send a quick message explaining you have been hit with a stomach bug and wouldn’t pass it on but that you hope they all have fun and wish him happy birthday.

Stop fretting.

Mrsjayy · 28/06/2019 08:45

If you hadn't mentioned you didn't want to leave your dh with the kids you would have probably got different answers from some posters. Tell your friend your son hasbeen ill and you can't make the party you arevery sorry and don't go.

Bear2014 · 28/06/2019 08:46

Based on past experience with stomach bugs, my main concern would actually be that I drive there, start to feel ill, start to be sick and then can't drive myself home again without being sick in a bag throughout, or having to shell out for a hotel room only to hug the toilet bowl all night. Plus, they won't thank you for infecting them!

FriarTuck · 28/06/2019 08:47

I would at least show my face for a while.
Not very practical when OP is 60-90 mins away - she'd have 2-3 hours of driving so you can't exactly pop in for a few mins, show your face and bugger off again. If she was just down the road then I'd agree but not that distance. And for the poster who said that some people travel that to London just for a night out - maybe some do but others of us think that more than 30 mins (5 mins in my case but then I wouldn't accept a party invite) is the max.
I'd probably explain the situation to the friend and cry off unless she's having a panic about people not turning up.

GoodbyeRosie · 28/06/2019 08:49

The problem is, as others have pointed out, you probably won't be the only one bailing out if it's in a hard to get to location.

Invites like this are easy to accept but a lot harder to attend.

Your friends phone will have been buzzing all day with texted excuses for late drop outs, and she's probably thinking at least my BFF is going to show up.

I would suck it up and go. If it's well attended sneak off at the earliest opportunity if you don't want to be there.

In future, don't commit so heavily to events that are obviously going to be expensive and a lot of effort!

coffeeforone · 28/06/2019 08:52

YANBU. The 'leaving DH with the kids is a red herring in the OP'.

The main, vital issue is the stomach bug and the strong possibility that you are incubating it. I wouldn't risk either having to cancel at the very last minute, or worse, being 90 minutes away when you start to get symptoms. That's before you even think about the others at the party.

trackingmedown · 28/06/2019 08:59

I think the truth here is that you really don’t want to go, are regretting accepting the invitation and grasping at a good excuse to bail out so on balance I think you are being unreasonable. How would you feel if she did the same to you?

It’s entirely your decision of course - pulling out because of an infectious bug is a cast iron reason but don’t be surprised if they doubt the veracity of your excuse and feelings are hurt.

newmomof1 · 28/06/2019 09:09

OP can you comfortably drive there, spend a few hours and drive home, knowing you'll be fully alert and safe to drive?

If not, don't risk it.

NicciLovesSundays · 28/06/2019 09:10

Stay at home and chill out with your family. Your friends will understand.

PeoniesarePink · 28/06/2019 09:14

I'd be pretty pissed off if someone came to a party and said their kids had got a vomiting bug. Chances are that you're incubating it too.

Just tell the truth, your kids are ill, you're worried about passing germs on and you're exhausted from lack of sleep all week.

ddl1 · 28/06/2019 09:16

You are not unreasonable. Looking after a sick child takes precedence over a party, and if your friends are reasonable they should accept this. You should acknowledge the birthday in some other way, so that your friends have no reason to think that you don't care: send a nice present, or if possible go over and bring one at a time when you have no sickness in the family to worry about.

ReanimatedSGB · 28/06/2019 09:17

It isn't necessarily a 'hard to reach location' for all the guests, though. It might be that the friend actually lives this far away from OP and/or some of her family and friends, and the idea was always that guests coming some distance make a weekend of it if they wanted to (it's in a hotel and OP is only driving there and back because she and her H didn't want to or couldn't afford to stay overnight.).

REllenR · 28/06/2019 09:17

I would go.

Darkcloudsandsunnydays · 28/06/2019 09:24

I am a people pleaser. There’s nothing you can do about it except try and remind yourself that you matter too. Think of what you would tell another person in a similar situation to yourself what to do.

Be kind to yourself and do no harm.

SinkGirl · 28/06/2019 09:26

Do some people honestly think that people only become contagious with bugs like this once they start vomiting? Every chance she’s incubating the virus, whether she’s contagious at that stage depends on the bug. What happens if she drives 90 minutes and then gets violently sick - how will she get home?

As for those criticising her for not wanting to leave DH with a vomiting child and a small baby - do you have kids? When my twins had norovirus (which we then got and was hell on Earth) there’s no way I’d have left DH to handle it alone to go to a party!

Passthecherrycoke · 28/06/2019 09:26

You sound really flakey. This is the sort of thing best friends go to imo

SoupDragon · 28/06/2019 09:35

This is the sort of thing best friends go to imo

This is the sort of thing best friends should understand.

Passthecherrycoke · 28/06/2019 09:35

Also what a lot of drama Lammas re the bug. DS has had it for 5 days and would’ve been contagious prior to that. You can safely assume OP hasn’t caught it if it hasn’t presented itself in all that time

Pineapplebaby · 28/06/2019 09:36

It's not OP's best friend though, it's the fiance's. For all we know, they might not even be that close, and he will have more than enough of his own friends and family there I'm sure.

Having been to a family party (that I didn't want to attend in the first place) and then catching a D&V bug from a parent who didn't think she was a carrier because only her kids were sick and not her, I would say 100% stay at home...

Call your friend to explain (maybe embellishing a little if necessary); I'm sure they'll be understanding. No one's attendance is worth putting everyone else at risk.

Passthecherrycoke · 28/06/2019 09:36

“SoupDragon

This is the sort of thing best friends go to imo

This is the sort of thing best friends should understand.”

What that she can’t come to a long standing engagement because she’s tired? Nah. I’d expect my friends to be more stoic than that.

darthbreakz · 28/06/2019 09:39

If your kid is sick, your kid is sick. All promises as a parent come with the caveat "assuming my kid doesn't get ill and need me".

If they have kids they'll understand; if they don't have kids, they'll understand if/when they do.

SoupDragon · 28/06/2019 09:40

What that she can’t come to a long standing engagement because she’s tired? Nah. I’d expect my friends to be more stoic than that.

No,because she's been caring for a sick child all week and is knackered. That's not the same as being "tired".

I would expect my friends to be more empathetic than you.

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