to consider present for dd's third birthday inappropriate

[MellyMum]

My dd was 3 recently, she received loads of really nice pressies or money from older relatives - great! Thankyou notes have been sent already.
But I was pretty annoyed when she received her gift from dp's brother and partner, who also have kids. It was a card picked from save the children, informing us that for my dd's b/day a school uniform had been sent to a child who needs it.
I am all for donating money to charity, especially children's charity, if you can afford it, but to do it for a little girl's b/day strikes me as being fairly inappropriate and highly pretentious.
Also my dd is their only niece, as BIL's partner is an only. We are in regular contact, they have their own kids, so it's not as if they don't know what stage she's at or what she might like. Could they not have come up with something better for her rather than trying to make themselves feel good? AIBU?!

No Bree, you're wrong, it's not plastic tat city here. Some very thoughtful and meaningful pressies.

Is there any reason a needy child, and my dd on her 3rd b/day could not have both benefitted?

Giving to charity is for the recipients and for yourself, and should not be done in someone else's name, especially a 3 year old child.

Hatrick, well then the giver should consider whether the recipient is of a like mind then!

Sorry haven't read the whole thread. But to the OP: I'd be delighted if someone did that for one of my children, only because we have so much kids' stuff around the house that even well meant presents are a pain to store.

Agree that 3 is little though. My eldest is 9 and his friends have just recently begun asking for charity contributions instead of birthday presents to themselves. Which I think is great. Admittedly it's a pretty wealthy area, where my dc's tend to come home with better party bags than the present I've sent

Perhaps, just for a second, your BIL thought that she was bound to get loads of pressies for her birthday and thought this might be a good way to teach her the value of things.

TBH I've seen the amount of tat given as presents and sometimes it seems even more self righteous. If he had given a wee purse and an Oxfam Dolly would you have thought that a bit mean also. I think it's what you make of it yourself. If you come over as ungrateful then your DD will pick up those vibes and be the same herself, if however you tell her the story behind it and how she has a special, magic school uniform that has travelled to Africa to help poor, less fortunate children then this could fire her imagination in the most positive way. Like Jammer said, her reaction may surprise you.

Message withdrawn

God, nobody would expect a thank you letter for giving someone's present to someone else would they?

"Perhaps, just for a second, your BIL thought that she was bound to get loads of pressies for her birthday and thought this might be a good way to teach her the value of things."

Exactly! That's precisely why it pisses people off. Finger wagging, holier-than thou assumptions about someone else's life and child!

If the BIL is so keen to teach children about the 'value of things' I hope his kids will only ever 'get' charity donations as birthday and Christmas presents. Now that would be interesting to find out.

Still not wiht teh op...but I must say, I find this notion, that obviously now from now on BIL kids always should go without and have presents all donated really disturbing, because no matter why the BIL did it, why should his children suffer the misfortune to be put through this...afterall, that is how those suggesting it feel about it....that is just sick...tit for tat or whatever they say....
I know it wasn't teh op that mentions this, but there have several posts been along the lines.
If OP really feels this angry /upset about it, mention that you found it inappropriate by all means, but seeing that you find it so inappropriate, why "punish" the Kids....

I think YABU. Children these have more crap than they can shake a stick at. At 3, maybe you have not got to the stage where you just want a fairy to come ad magic away all that stuff from your house, but unless you are incredibly organised, that time will come. I very much doubt that your DC will even realise that she did not a get a (standard) present from Uncle X and Aunt Y. You are more upset on her behalf than she is, I'll wager. I think it is a very good thing to do. Some other child somewhere has benefited while your daughter still got loads of pressies. Everyone wins.

Those kids won't be punished though will they, as their 'holier than thou' parents will be the first to explain what a wonderful gift it is to (not) receive - let's hope they would understand.

Kids are naturally, until a certain age, egocentric and I don't think that during this age they should be burdened with explanations about the problems of the world. Bloody Hell, there own world is big enough for them to deal with!

This gift is not a problem to my dd because nothing has been said about it to her, and as i mentioned earlier, if it was explained I'm sure she still wouldn't have a problem with it. But I'm not going to talk to her about it cos it's not worth it and she is too young.

Difficult one - my dd and ds had a child's subscription to the RSPB for Xmas from thier uncle but he had discussed it with us first and it came with a little package to open on the day. DD, then 5.5, was ecstatic, fully understood the concpet and loves getting the magazine every couple of months, especialy as she can read them. Ds, then just 4, understood it less, but was not overly worried by it, just moved on to the next present!

I think in conclusion they should have mentioned it to you first. I like the idea but agree that 3 is a bit young.

I could understand you giving BIL/SIL a donated gift out of "spite" (because that would be what it would be about), but not the Kids, seeing that you yourself disagree with such gift, that would be spiteful. As an adult you should take your problem up with the adults involved not their off spring...but, just my opinion, of course....

Obviously right now you really don't kow why they felt it was a good idea, their reasons or their thinking behind it....you, at this time, assume they did it because either they want to be pretentious and high and mighty or they did it because they dislike your daughter or somehting like that.

I'd just be impressed that my brothers or sister remembered! We are terrible at birthdays in my family I do think that presents at that age are really not about the child though, they are presents to family.

but those adults obviously think it a very appropriate gift to give to a child so they surely wouldn't expect their own kids to not be happy with it - or, at least, i hope not otherwise why send it to mine?

besides we only do kids presents, not adults

anyway, don't really know why i got into this particular sideline as i never once said i would reciprocate when it came to their kids' b/days - it was just suggested to me
(but i can understand why)

lol, I did say that I know that you had not considered it, so, it was more a hypethetical point of view thing going on....iykwim...I know what you mean, in a way...but I suppose it would be the ultirior (???) motives that would lead you to it, iykwim....not saying that well, I know...
but honest, you are obviously bothered and angry about this, and I really think it would be worth talking about it. It is hard to know their motives, and I would certainly think that depending on their motive your anger may or may not be "justified" iykwim....

I just don't get why you are cross when you say your dd would like the idea if you explained it to her

explain it to your dd - she does not seem bothered by the lack of present but you seem very bothered.

okay BIL and SIL gave a present you think inappropriate - I would just let it go and move on - am sure there will be plenty of time for inappropriate presents throughout her life.

TBH i could think of more inappropriate presents for a 3yo than this.

Perhaps they did think of her - after all it was a child's school uniform - not a midwife or antenatal lessons or a goat even.

I have just checked out the 'save the children' website to may be get an idea of where DP's brother was coming from, and it's just made me even more aware of the pretentious shit that he and his partner are full of.

There is a choice of different categories that you can select these donation gifts from, and they chose one from 'education' rather than 'play'. DD is 3 ffs. AAARGH!