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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider present for dd's third birthday inappropriate

435 replies

MellyMum · 26/07/2007 16:00

My dd was 3 recently, she received loads of really nice pressies or money from older relatives - great! Thankyou notes have been sent already.
But I was pretty annoyed when she received her gift from dp's brother and partner, who also have kids. It was a card picked from save the children, informing us that for my dd's b/day a school uniform had been sent to a child who needs it.
I am all for donating money to charity, especially children's charity, if you can afford it, but to do it for a little girl's b/day strikes me as being fairly inappropriate and highly pretentious.
Also my dd is their only niece, as BIL's partner is an only. We are in regular contact, they have their own kids, so it's not as if they don't know what stage she's at or what she might like. Could they not have come up with something better for her rather than trying to make themselves feel good? AIBU?!

OP posts:

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 10:20

Well, it could be put like this Aloha
" Your uncle felt he wanted to do something very special and unforgettable for your Birthday, and he knows that you have everythign you could wish for, so, they thought it would be nice to do somehting for a little girl that wasn't this fortunate"
Surey dressed like that, taken out the negativity, it doesn't sound all that bad!

One thing though...I don't get the school uniform thing anyway (not over here, not anywhere else..I personally don't care much for them and think they are no good....but that is indeed another thread, one that has been done before.....), so, this specific gift would maybe not have gone down aswell, as say a toy or food or schoolfees to enable education....surely, if people are on teh poverty line, schooluniform is not somehting that should be placed any value on, lol! But that would jsut be me.

witchandchips · 27/07/2007 10:23

but prehapes mellys dd would rather the money be spent on dolphins or pandas

aloha · 27/07/2007 10:23

Well, I imagine some schools won't accept children without uniform, which frankly, seems something that Oxfam should campaign about.

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 10:25

I agreewith you on that one Aloha

redtoenails · 27/07/2007 10:27

or you could explain it to her like this " your uncle is a tight miserable b#####d who decided YOU should give to charity to make HIM feel better!"

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 10:27

oh, and witch...also agree that maybe a dolphin adoption or something like that would have been more apt...but maybe they were thinking about the line doing something for a little girl in te name of a little girl.

redtoenails · 27/07/2007 10:28

and on his birthday just give him a card explaining that you spent the money on a bottle of wine for yourself

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 10:29

yes, of course red...if you want to upset your little girl as much as the whole thing has upset you and you want to project your anger towards it onto your child...then that would be a fabulous way to explain it

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 10:31

wow....looks like charity can bring out the worst in people eh....but glad that you at least say to do it to the BIL not to the nieces/nephews, as others have suggested.

Tommy · 27/07/2007 10:31

My brother and SIL did this last Christmas. Like other posters, I think these are great for adults but young children don't really understand what it's all about.

My SIL gave my DSs a card with a goat on it and they honestly thought she had bought them a goat and it was going to live in the back garden

(they were 2 and 4 at the time)

crokky · 27/07/2007 10:37

I have given gifts like this before, but I only give them to people who agree with the concept.

eg I gave DB a fruit tree for Christmas and a DVD. He was happy that someone would benefit from the fruit tree and enjoyed the DVD. (DB likes trees and conservation etc, so that particular charity gift was appropriate).

Personally, I wouldn't give these charity gifts to people who hate them. It is still a gift and the idea is that you still think about what the recipient would like/like to give.

If you give a charity gift to someone who you know doesn't agree with the concept, then I imagine you are being passive aggressive and trying to tell them they are spoilt.

From the info I have seen, it looks like the OP's relatives may be saying to the OP that her DD is spoilt. Regardless of whether that is the case, using the child as a pawn in this argument is wrong. I only say this because I do think a 3yo is a bit too young to understand the concept.

Brangelina · 27/07/2007 10:38

I'm really quite shocked at the OP and some of the comments on here. WTF is pretentious about giving to charity?

I find that the problem with these presents for children is that it's so often the parents that get offended. It quite shocks me really, what kind of materialistic message are we giving our children?

My DD is 2 and for her last 2 birthdays she has received similar presents from my cousin, who is very well off but a philathropist. I have no problem with this at all, as it's the way my cousin is and I'd much rather that than some tacky plastic rubbish or whatever. We've put the cards away in her memory box and will be explaining to her when she's a bi older. I myself received a llama one year and medical kit and my DP got something from a more obscure charity. We're fine with that, I'd much rather that than something bought for me not to my taste that would just end up at the back of a cupboard.

And I see nothing wrong with charitable organisations using these gifts as a marketing ploy. I mean, surely there is nothing wrong with a charity who has to raise funds finding novel ingenius ways of raising more funds? What do you think "normal" companies do every day?

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 10:41

but crokky, for all we know the gift was given with the best intentions in mind....I mena, people get presents wrong allll the time...I mena, most of the time, they may have really thought about it and thought it was a great idea...doesn't necessarily mean that the recipient will agree....

Tortington · 27/07/2007 10:42

if someone wants to give me a llama - fine

if the kid is too young to understand then fine

but at three years old they know what a birthday is and like opening presents. What some people call plastic tat - other people find enjoyment out of.

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 10:45

but custard...wasn't as if said little girl didn't get enough toys...it was one present of many....

witchandchips · 27/07/2007 10:50

uncle should have just said "we don't do presents, we won't buy your dd one and don't buy our dcs anything"

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 10:51

witch, but is it not possible that they feel they have given a present....to them anyway....

crokky · 27/07/2007 10:54

3andnomore: I agree with you...sort of...

however, when the recipient is only 3yo, you can ask the parents if the child would understand/like a particular present to avoid "getting it wrong".

witchandchips · 27/07/2007 10:54

but they haven't (not really). They have just given money to a cause they think to be important. They haven't done anything specific for her. If it was a cause she valued then fine but she is too young to understand such things. In essence they are trying to get around any guilt they might feel for not buying melly's dd a proper pressie.

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 11:00

crokky, but the op mentions that they do see on regular basis, therefore, it is right to assmume that roughly they might have an idea of how much the lil girl will understand....also, teh op has actually admitted, that indeed her dd would have understood, and possibly liked the idea, too...so, really the Inlaws have not failed the little girl, they have failed to impress mum, who has other issues with them anyway, as came clear in the thread.
Obviosuly, if , like it has been suggested, they really just given the gift to annoy meelymum, then of course it would be the wrong reason, and spiteful.

Witch, yes, maybe they got the "cause" wrong....but that doesn't necessarily mean it was done purposely and just to please themselfs. IT was a childrens charity the donation went too, afterall.

witchandchips · 27/07/2007 11:01

if they see ops child regularly and she is old enought to understand, then couldn't they just have asked her what she would like to give to

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 11:04

but some people don't like being asked what present...indeed, to me, personally, I think it's the thought that goes into a present that is worth more then the actual present...asking is being unimaginative, in a way....it's taking the easy way out.
Also, well....Kids will always say [insert their favourite bit of plastic tad], no matter how much they have it....isn't it a positive thing to show there are other ways to give a present...opening the world to a little girl ...after all the good deed is in the recipients name not teh givers....

Tortington · 27/07/2007 11:09

i remain firm in my stance that 3 year olds should have presents to open.

i think even the money she was given is crass and unthoughtful.

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 11:11

well, she had something to open, even if it was "just" a card showing what has been done in her name....of course...now it's in the bin

Tortington · 27/07/2007 11:17

a crd isn't same as a pressie - thats why a 3 year old wouldnt appreciated getting a card and having money in it - 20 - 30 - 40 - 50 quid means not an awful lot when your three.

i agree that the card shouldnt have gone in bin

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