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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider present for dd's third birthday inappropriate

435 replies

MellyMum · 26/07/2007 16:00

My dd was 3 recently, she received loads of really nice pressies or money from older relatives - great! Thankyou notes have been sent already.
But I was pretty annoyed when she received her gift from dp's brother and partner, who also have kids. It was a card picked from save the children, informing us that for my dd's b/day a school uniform had been sent to a child who needs it.
I am all for donating money to charity, especially children's charity, if you can afford it, but to do it for a little girl's b/day strikes me as being fairly inappropriate and highly pretentious.
Also my dd is their only niece, as BIL's partner is an only. We are in regular contact, they have their own kids, so it's not as if they don't know what stage she's at or what she might like. Could they not have come up with something better for her rather than trying to make themselves feel good? AIBU?!

OP posts:
Leati · 27/07/2007 00:21

pointydog,

Here I am typing something nice to you and you are simultaneously writing something mean to me . Everyone has a right to thier views.

Original poster
MellyMum · 27/07/2007 00:26

VoluptuaGoodshag, jtlyk, i'm off to bed now. Most other examples of self-righteousness are too personal to my dp, so won't mention 'em. This is the one that got me tho' because it involves my (newly) 3yo dd.

OP posts:
hatrickjacqueline · 27/07/2007 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pointydog · 27/07/2007 07:49

sorry, leati, if you were hurt

Pinkchampagne · 27/07/2007 07:50

I think it is a nice idea & I'm sure their intentions were good, but three is maybe a little young to give a gift like this. If I were them, I would have made sure I bought the child a little something to open too.

Pinkchampagne · 27/07/2007 07:52

Sorry, should say "three is a little too young to receive a gift like this"

Beachcomber · 27/07/2007 07:54

Haven't read whole thread so sorry if this has already been said.

I think that showing a child that it is possible to help others less fortunate IS a present, a lovely one.

Agree though that at three your child is probably too young to really get the concept.

I know my kids tend to get quite a lot at birthdays no matter how much we ask everyone to keep things lowkey. I would be quite grateful for a gift of this nature once they are old enough. To my mind if a child is old enough to realise that Uncle Harry hasn't given them a parcel to open, they are old enough to understand the concept of charity.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 27/07/2007 08:13

'JTLYK' - not on acronym list and I'm struggling to work it out, heelllllllppppppp, brain not fully engaged yet this morning

hatrickjacqueline · 27/07/2007 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hulababy · 27/07/2007 08:40

I think these charities gifts are fine for very specific adult realtives/friends, but not for children.

I keep my charity giving seperate from other people's gifts. I think it is a bit odd to tell someone else you are giving on their behalf. If I want to donate I donate using my money in my name. If others wish to donate they they can do so, I am not imposing it on them.

And a 3 year old deserves a proper present IMO.

Hulababy · 27/07/2007 08:48

TBH I would not be impressed to recieve this type of gift from a close relative for myself. That does not make me selfish. I give to charities in my own way and with my won money. Isn't that what charity donation should be about - you doing it for yourself? I chose which charities I want to support and when, I don't need someone else to do it for me.

We use these cards as cards for people such as teachers, etc. at Christmas, but still get a small personal gift on top. I feel they are appropriate for a school class card from DD, as we always chose a school related donation thing.

But they are simply not gifts, and to suggest they are IMO is a bit odd. They are not personal or anything.

This doesn't mean I would expect a large or expensive gift for myself. Not at all. I don't care if I recieve no gift. But I don't like the idea of someone donating on my behalf. I'd rather do that myself.

They make the buyer feel better and look charitable, that's it.

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 08:48

NIce on to call people that disagree with you on this point prtentious tossers or something along the lines, whatever you have called your inlaws previously by saying the following MellyMum:
"Those that can't would probably get along very well with the IL's"

So, one is either a lentelweaving Hippie (custard) or a pretentious tosser....if you like the idea of those kind of gifts...wow....really openmnded that is!

BBBee · 27/07/2007 09:03

somehow the description "lentil weaving pretnetious hippy tosser" sums me up quite nicely - next 10/10 title?

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 09:04

BBB now there is a good idea, think Franny might even agree to that one

GibbonInARibbon · 27/07/2007 09:23

It's not often a thread on here leaves me open mouthed - but this one has left me speechless.

The one word that kept popping into my head was mercenary....harsh maybe...oh well.

I think you are being VERY unreasonable. You didn't outline any outstanding issues you have with you IL's (I suspect they are at the root of your wrath) but to feel so strongly that your DD wasn't given money, or something materialistic has astounded me.

I think it's a lovely gift and to throw the card in the bin just about sums up the contempt you obviously have for charity.

Nice.

cornsilk · 27/07/2007 09:42

A child's 3rd birthday is the first birthday that they really get excited about and look forward to, so very special for child and parents. But it's not such a big occasion for uncles, aunts, cousins etc. Probably just another date in a diary to remember to get a present. It's good that your BIL remembered your dd's birthday. Choice of present is a bit unusual, but you will be able to talk to her about it when she's older and show her the card. For that reason her 3rd birthday will always be a special one.Will you be able to do that with any of her other presents this year?

3andnomore · 27/07/2007 09:43

cornsilk, sadly teh op has thrown the card out, because the gift meant nothing to her

cornsilk · 27/07/2007 09:48

That's very sad. Mellymum - your ds will love it when she's older. She'll be able to bring it into school for show and tell and talk about how her 3rd birthday was special and different from everyone elses.

FrannyandZooey · 27/07/2007 09:58

I still want to know why you haven't explained the gift to her, when you said she would think it was nice if you did.

Presumably you can't now, because you would have to explain why you have thrown her card in the bin. But I wonder why you didn't explain in the first place.

witchandchips · 27/07/2007 10:02

These kind of presents are great when dcs are very young (naming/christening etc. ) and when they are truly old enough to understand but not at the toddler/pre school age. Yes give to charity rather than give children presents but don't expect them to be pleased about it and for them to be grateful.
If they (the children) are old enough to chose where they want the money sent, then they are old enough to have this instead of a pressie. Also if you want to give this kind of thing you should be prepared to give money to something that is not necesarrily your top priority otherwise is something you are doing for you and not the child

aloha · 27/07/2007 10:09

'Your uncle gave your present to another little girl'
I wonder how much of his own money he spends on charitable donations.
It is really the same as someone coming for dinner and saying, 'well I would have brought a bottle of wine, but instead I gave a fiver to Age Concern'.
Great to give to charity, but ideally, unless you know or honestly believe the recipient really doesn't want anything and would really like you to donate instead, then do it as well as giving a present, and don't make a big public show of it.
As it happens, I wouldn't care if someone donated to charity instead of giving me a present (but I'd like to know in advance so I could reciprocate in kind) - most presents for adults bar wine are pretty rubbish. But for my child, I'd rather vouchers for the theatre, a little dress, a book, a book token or some money for their savings account.

aloha · 27/07/2007 10:13

I think the best thing is if adults decide that they will both donate instead of buying each other presents. Now that seems a really good idea to me, or if a family says ,please don't buy us presents this year, but if you want to do something, we like Oxfam Unwrapped.

redtoenails · 27/07/2007 10:14

have only read the title and orig post but this is one of my pet hates. If someones wants to give to charity they should give with their money not on behalf of someone else. They have given up nothing as the money was earmarked for a present for their niece. Bloody cheek!

FioFio · 27/07/2007 10:14

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Message withdrawn

Dinosaur · 27/07/2007 10:18

I think if you're lucky enough to have a three-year old who would understand the explanation, then it is a little bit of a shame not even to have tried to explain it to her. And it was a tad mean to put the card in the bin.

My DS3 wouldn't understand at all, but I think DS1 and DS2 would be intrigued and interested by the idea.