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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to cut off friend who thinks I am racist?

155 replies

Screamanger · 27/06/2019 00:35

Her reasoning being that my grandfather worked in the British Colonial Service in Tanzania. Apparently this means I directly profited from racism.

I don’t believe I have profited, and I am proud of my family.

OP posts:
mouldyhousemouldylife · 27/06/2019 00:41

How does a family member doing something mean that you yourself are whatever-ist? I'd drop someone purely for being so hideously stupid.

RonaldMcDonald · 27/06/2019 00:55

You did profit from colonialism. Examining that contextually is the next step. You can critique and remain proud of your family.
All our families have something currently or in the past we wouldn’t repeat given how we view the world today.

edgeofheaven · 27/06/2019 01:03

Her reasoning is right. But all of Britain benefitted from colonialism whether they worked overseas or not.

However that doesn’t make you personally racist, or even your grandfather personally racist. So if she’s said that she’s out of order.

RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 01:10

How did you get into that batshit conversation?

Quite honestly, if I knew a relative of mine had worked in a colonial administration, i'd keep fairly quiet about it. ESPECIALLY near the wokefolk. Obviously you chose to discuss it and she chose to say something crackers.

Madness all round.

PregnantSea · 27/06/2019 01:13

I would cut her off purely for being such an idiot

StoppinBy · 27/06/2019 01:13

I think there is a lot of context missing here. How you say it and what you say matters, along with her beliefs the two of you may just not be aligned enough to ever agree over certain situations. You could either agree to disagree or see less of each other if it really is an issue that can't be settled between the two of you.

Doubletrouble99 · 27/06/2019 01:14

3 generations of my family lived in the far east, my father was born out there but he certainly didn't have a racist bone in his body.

Original poster
Screamanger · 27/06/2019 01:16

How did you get into that batshit conversation?

My father was born out there and lived there until he was 8. We were discussing a recent family holiday where DF took us back to see his childhood home, school and GF’s office

OP posts:
RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 01:17

Fair enough. Dump her then. Her logic circuits are fritzed.

Crafting1Queen · 27/06/2019 01:18

Apologies this is nothing to do with OP's topic - but what does "woke" mean? I keep seeing it used in MN's threads, thanks.

RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 01:22

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woke

RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 01:26

Sorry. That wasn't actually a particularly helpful link.

'Woke' now means painfully right-on. People who believe transwomen ARE women, that all white people are racist, that borders should be abolished and so on. Social Justice Warriors (SJWs).

LinoleumBlownapart · 27/06/2019 01:30

Ask her what she thinks/wants you to do about it?
Does she want you to donate all your money to Tanzania and live on the streets? Because really? What is the purpose of the conversation/comment?

Nearlythere1 · 27/06/2019 01:30

No, her reasoning is not sound, and there is no need for you to "contextually examine" on the basis of somebody else's offence at your history. Honestly, i'd drop her, because you'll never ever win against that mentality, and she will hold it as a grudge.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2019 01:38

I don’t believe I have profited, and I am proud of my family.

Of course you benefited from racism. A LOT of people in the UK have. The stuff in our museums, the riches pillaged, all those lovely buildings built with dirty money. The labour to build our country. The preferential treatment of white people over hundreds of years. Money from the slave trade and India and China. We built most of the good stuff during those years with that money. And we continue to do so. Importing doctors and other professionals from the poor countries that train them and exporting arms. We are real arseholes.

And being 'proud' is fine. But understanding context is also important. My father was tangentially involved in Third World debt. I love him but that is 100% shit.

Bluerussian · 27/06/2019 01:49

Pay no attention to the silly woman. Honestly! I've never heard such drivel.

I get MrsTerryPratchett's point but we aren't responsible for what our families did in days gone by. It's how we are in the here and now that counts. All we can do is strive to eliminate racism or any bigotry from our society.

Durgasarrow · 27/06/2019 01:54

If you are proud of your grandfather for being in the colonial service, that might be racist. What was the content of the conversation?

HateIsNotGood · 27/06/2019 01:55

I don't even know you but I'm a bit 'jealous' you not only went to Tanzania but with 'reasons' too.

She's just a bit jealous of you (about this) and probably reacted quickly. If she's a good friend - understand and move on; otherwise keep at bay, until you know more about her.

Sounds a fab family trip - and really I'm not jealous - but I could be......

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2019 01:59

And I take your point Blue Grin

It's how we are in the here and now that counts.

But that does mean not being 'proud' of random rellies. Or ashamed. Either both their faults and accomplishments are yours or they aren't.

CendrillonSings · 27/06/2019 02:07

The wokefolk (h/t RubberTreePlant!) really believe in this inherited guilt thing as devoutly as the most blinkered Biblical literalist, don't they? But at least the Biblical literalists had the decency to extend original sin to all of humanity indiscriminately, rather than picking and choosing whose ancestral sins are important based on their political prejudices...

Crafting1Queen · 27/06/2019 02:25

@RubberTreePlant, thanks for your explanation of "woke", makes more sense now.

Maryqueenofscots83 · 27/06/2019 02:31

I suppose your family profited from colonialism but what does it have to do with you? You weren't even born then and even if your ancestors did bad things, I don't think you should apologise for things you did not do personally.

Plus none of this translates to you being a racist. If that's the leap she's made then you are right to cut her off.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2019 02:31

It's not inherited guilt. It's understanding colonialism and the current generation's place in it. It didn't magically disappear because we're not actually invading places any more (except for when we do).

Example: Rwanda and Burundi are still in a dreadful state. The genocide was caused by tensions between Hutu and Tutsi. The Hutu and Tutsi were the subject of a divide and rule policy by the Belgians and Germans. Ditto the Igbo and Hausa in Nigeria by the British. A conflict that rears it's head today.

Africa is still living the consequences and we are still benefiting from the spoils. I'm not suggesting that we should wail and gnash our teeth but I wouldn't be 'proud' of an SS officer however high-ranking they were. So being proud of your families' role in colonialism is strange to me.

Topseyt · 27/06/2019 02:43

Since Britain was a colonial power, we must virtually all be descended from people who worked in that area or related areas.

It doesn't make you yourself racist. None of us could choose what families to be born into before we arrived.

Perhaps she meant that the British Colonial Service was itself a racist organisation? I can see where that view may come from, as the British Empire was not necessarily kind to indigenous populations when it spread around the world. It did tend to barge in and sweep them aside a lot.

None of us can help what our ancestors had been involved in. Times are very different now. Having potentially racist ancestry (many of us probably do, if we are honest) doesn't make you a racist.

Ancestry is family history. It is what it is and cannot be changed. We can learn from it though, and modify our ideas and behaviour going forward.

It is how you are in the here and now that matters really.

Original poster
Screamanger · 27/06/2019 02:51

HateIsNotGood

It really was a amazing and fun trip, I found it fascinating!

OP posts:
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