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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset ExHs GF

378 replies

WanderYonder · 25/06/2019 17:47

TL:DR I bought a card for my ex on behalf of our son and it's upset ex's Gf.

Been separated for 3 years, divorce being finalised any day now. He lives with his GF nearly 2 hours away, DC stays with them every other weekend.

In Sainsbury's a couple of weekends ago with DC (7) and he spotted a blank card with a picture on the front that was a play on his dad's name. Hard to explain, but it wouldn't be amusing to anyone not called by Ex's name (and wasn't that funny anyway but, being 7, to DC it was hilarious).

DC asked to get it for his dad, so we did; and he wrote a little message inside and drew a picture. Ex came to collect last Friday for the weekend and DC gave him the card, all giggly. Ex did appropriate laughy reaction, said thank you, told him he'd keep it by his bed with a picture DC had drawn for him recently. Thought no more of it.

This afternoon I've had an email from Ex, which is unusual because usually we communicate via text. Very formal, and says that he would appreciate it if I refrained from purchasing any more cards for him in the future because his GF "finds it a bit inappropriate". I immediately replied and said I hadn't got him anything; the card was from his son. Got back: "Yes but we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. so I think GF felt that this wasn't quite sticking to that arrangement".

I feel completely 'Wtaf' about this but I'm in a baaaad mood today anyway and I have a habit of instinctively reacting to things and then calming down and realising I might have misread the situation. So, in the spirit of trying to rein myself in just in case this is one of those times, please tell me if iabu? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who is with someone else's ex. I've never been in that situation and I don't know, maybe this was wrong somehow?! And if I'm not BU to feel Hmm about this, what do I respond with?

Have nc'd because I'd rather this wasn't linked with my usual name.

OP posts:
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 25/06/2019 23:56

If my dsc bought their dad a card and I kicked up a fuss like that he wouldn’t be emailing their mum- he’d be having a go at me for being a weirdo!

Topsecretidentity · 25/06/2019 23:58

'The arrangement no longer works for me or DS, so moving forward I will let DS decide. After all he's the important one in all this don't you think?'

I think Bungalows response is spot on. Read your updates with my mouth wide open OP. Shocking lack of understanding from a so called dad.

beethebee · 25/06/2019 23:59

'The arrangement no longer works for me or DS, so moving forward I will let DS decide. After all he's the important one in all this don't you think?'

^^This. Although I'd probably leave myself out of it and just say 'The arrangement no longer works for DS, ...etc

EKGEMS · 26/06/2019 00:22

I'm so fucking petty OP I'd go out and buy a box full of blank greeting cards and send them randomly two a week,then one,then wait a month and send some more. Sign them from the dog/cat/lizard

Ariela · 26/06/2019 00:33

I'd just text 'DS spotted it and decided to buy it from his pocket money. All his input not mine, I wouldn't waste the money personally, but I am not going to tell him what he can and cannot buy his father'

timeisnotaline · 26/06/2019 00:48

There wasn’t any ‘gesture’. It was your son being thoughtful and loving, because he is. I have no intention to try to turn him into anything else. You’ll just have to man up and gracefully put up with the odd caring gesture from your own child. Hope that clears things up.

ShagMeRiggins · 26/06/2019 00:56

Thinking it through, this is all a goddamn shame. Your Ex isn’t covering himself in glory.

I support those who have suggested that you tell him you won’t stop your son from finding, purchasing, and giving gifts/cards for his father when he feels like doing so.

If his partner has an issue with that, it’s her issue. Not yours (I don’t think, anymore Hmm), not your son’s.

It’s easy to say that you won’t abide by leaving things like this to his partner in future, you will go with what your 7-year-old child wants and needs to do for his father.

It’s utterly ridiculous for either of them to expect you to do anything else. Just tell them so. Directly.

It doesn’t have to be heated. Just clear. Then let the chips fall where they may. Boundaries, etc

Nearlythere1 · 26/06/2019 00:57

Email the fucker back and say "NO. If your son wants to buy you an impromptu gift then he fucking will. Or you can explain to him why he can't". What a fucking tool honestly!

Pensy · 26/06/2019 01:09

Nandaandm - your reply really made me laugh!

Winterlife · 26/06/2019 01:13

I’d text back “I’ll be sure to let DC know he shouldn’t ask to buy anything for you ever again.”

Bufferingkisses · 26/06/2019 01:25

Your response has to be "no worries, next time DC sees something he'd like to get/make/buy/bring you because he's 7yo and loves you without prejudice, agenda or bullshit I'll quite happily explain that he can't but it's ok, gf will explain why".

God why cant some people see beyond who's on the end of their penis Angry

SushiForAmateurs · 26/06/2019 01:31

I'd respond:

"This is nothing to do with [girlfriend] OR me, this is between DS and you. If DS wants to do similar in future, I won't be stopping him."

dreichuplands · 26/06/2019 01:34

He really isn't the sharpest tool in the box.
He needs a reply like, "Your son wanted to buy you a card, this is nothing to do with gf or myself. Your ds is old enough to have his own relationship directly with you, neither gf or myself should be getting involved"
You are well rid OP. Poor ds.

IvanaPee · 26/06/2019 01:39

I won’t be telling ds that he’s not allowed to buy you a £1 card that HE SEES and HE WANTS in case it upsets an adult woman so the arrangement doesn’t really work anymore.

If it’s that big a deal, you can send me the pound.

SushiForAmateurs · 26/06/2019 01:45

So girlfriend would really rather you said to DS:

'No, sorry, can't let you buy that thing you really want to get Dad, because [girlfriend] says no'....?

Or does she want to you to make something up, so that she doesn't look quite so unhinged?

If so, perhaps she could provide some written guidelines of suitable excuses, and you'll consider them?

Alternatively, she could just realise this isn't about her and butt TF out.

🙄

ShagMeRiggins · 26/06/2019 02:00

we'd just appreciate it if that sort of thing was left to GF to organise in future"

Angry AngryAngry

No. Not right for your child. I say this as a second wife who was very much suspected and derided for many years for no reason whatsoever.

This is not right for your child with him, and she needs to understand that.

1forAll74 · 26/06/2019 02:11

Your ex has been turned into a wimp by a controlling,snowflakey,and insecure partner.

AzraiL · 26/06/2019 02:34

She's a nut job. He's an idiot.

Next time have your son MAKE him a card. Then imagine her head exploding while she tries to figure out a way to complain about that too.

Gingerkittykat · 26/06/2019 02:59

Invoice the girlfriend for the card.

tabulahrasa · 26/06/2019 03:07

I’d text back with questions...nothing more awkward than getting someone to explain how something ridiculous is going to work.

Hang on... so if DC sees something and wants to buy it for you, what am I supposed to do? Say no? What do I tell him when he asks why if so? Or am to to tell him he’s only allowed to buy things with girlfriend and hope he remembers where they were?Send you the details so girlfriend can buy it for you instead?

When can DC start to buy you things? Age 10? 18? 30?

ZazieTheCat · 26/06/2019 04:12

Oh for the love of God, as my grandma used to say.

mimibunz · 26/06/2019 04:25

I’m a complete asshole but I would suggest her insecurities come from being with a man who is still married.

RebootYourEngine · 26/06/2019 04:41

I would be telling them to grow up.

To them this means that your ds is not allowed to ever buy or give his dad anything unless the gf bought it. Would it have been different if ds had made the card and not bought it?

Roussillon849 · 26/06/2019 04:57

Whatever you send, make sure it's by email so that she realises he texted you, which she may not know about thus scoring you a cheap quick point Grin.

I'd suggest a more elaborate version of what's been already posted:

"Thank you for your text. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I plan to stop supporting (son's name)'s spontaneous requests to buy you cards in future. I'm sure you agree that the most important thing for you and me to consider when parenting our son is his feelings. It is wonderful that he feels able to express his love for you openly to me, and to discourage him from that and force him to channel it through a third party would be extremely damaging to him.

All the best. Etc."

It is all true, and the third party bit might make her self combust. Wink

Roussillon849 · 26/06/2019 05:04

Actually, change that to "spontaneous requests to show you love." Your ex really needs to understand the lunacy and even cruelty of what he's actually asking for. Pair of twats.