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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I've upset ExHs GF

378 replies

WanderYonder · 25/06/2019 17:47

TL:DR I bought a card for my ex on behalf of our son and it's upset ex's Gf.

Been separated for 3 years, divorce being finalised any day now. He lives with his GF nearly 2 hours away, DC stays with them every other weekend.

In Sainsbury's a couple of weekends ago with DC (7) and he spotted a blank card with a picture on the front that was a play on his dad's name. Hard to explain, but it wouldn't be amusing to anyone not called by Ex's name (and wasn't that funny anyway but, being 7, to DC it was hilarious).

DC asked to get it for his dad, so we did; and he wrote a little message inside and drew a picture. Ex came to collect last Friday for the weekend and DC gave him the card, all giggly. Ex did appropriate laughy reaction, said thank you, told him he'd keep it by his bed with a picture DC had drawn for him recently. Thought no more of it.

This afternoon I've had an email from Ex, which is unusual because usually we communicate via text. Very formal, and says that he would appreciate it if I refrained from purchasing any more cards for him in the future because his GF "finds it a bit inappropriate". I immediately replied and said I hadn't got him anything; the card was from his son. Got back: "Yes but we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. so I think GF felt that this wasn't quite sticking to that arrangement".

I feel completely 'Wtaf' about this but I'm in a baaaad mood today anyway and I have a habit of instinctively reacting to things and then calming down and realising I might have misread the situation. So, in the spirit of trying to rein myself in just in case this is one of those times, please tell me if iabu? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who is with someone else's ex. I've never been in that situation and I don't know, maybe this was wrong somehow?! And if I'm not BU to feel Hmm about this, what do I respond with?

Have nc'd because I'd rather this wasn't linked with my usual name.

OP posts:
Juells · 25/06/2019 22:15

I still can't get my head around the fact that you even agreed to such a batshit crazy arrangement in the first place. If you'd said "don't be ridiculous, that's not going to happen" she wouldn't feel entitled to have you told off like a misbehaving child now.

You need to earn a reputation for being difficult, and force them to pussyfoot around you.

NoSquirrels · 25/06/2019 22:20

What a wally. He hasn’t thought about his DC’s feelings at all!

Bloody hell - kids are supposed to be protected from adult batshittery.

NoSquirrels · 25/06/2019 22:23

It was a really nice gesture we'd just appreciate it if that sort of thing was left to GF to organise in future

I think I would absolutely have to spell it out - nicely but firmly - that there was no “gesture” on your part - the “gesture” was a spontaneous thing from his DC and there’s no way you’re going to say “No, sweetheart, I won’t help you do a nice thing for Daddy” if the situation arises again.

I’d have to call him about this one. Text/email too open to deliberate misunderstanding.

MissRhubarb · 25/06/2019 22:25

Send him a pic of a two fingered gesture. Arse. There was no "gesture" on your part.

RandomMess · 25/06/2019 22:25

He has soooooooo missed the point!!!

"DS is 7 if he sees something and he wants to buy it for someone (you or anyone else) then I am not going to stop him"

MonkeyTrap · 25/06/2019 22:26

It was a gesture from his son, what part of that does he not get?

How exactly do you explain to a 7 year old that he can’t like the card when he’s with his Mummy?! Wtf.

ChevalierTialys · 25/06/2019 22:26

@TheFormidableMrsC I remember your original thread from years ago. Just a little wave from a big fan of how you handled yourself SmileWine

Weezol · 25/06/2019 22:31

Point out to him that while he may choose to appease GF to keep the peace, you don't have to. She essentially wants to be the filter between DS and his dad.

He's putting her interests ahead of those of your DS.

She sounds controlling. Does she also piss on his leg before he leaves the house so other women know he's taken?

ChevalierTialys · 25/06/2019 22:34

@WanderYonder the GF is bonkers to say its inappropriate for you to pay for the card, does she understand it was just that you paid for it? The idea for the card was DS's, therefore he is perfectly entitled to get his dad a card. It just happened that he saw it while with you and therefore you paid for it, right? If you refused to buy it, DS would have been upset and then you're open to accusations of alienation - can't win whatever you do.

Personally I am looking forward to the day when XP's new gf will take over buying shit for him from the DC. Never mind worrying about over-stepping, get the hell on with it! The less contact I have with him, the better! But if DC are with me and they see something they want to get him for an occasion, I do not say no - and will never refuse to just because of a new gf's insecurity.

ShowMeTheKittens · 25/06/2019 22:36

Oh what a horrible jealous cow and a stupid twat.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 25/06/2019 22:37

I would reply that I'm not willing to stifle my son due to gf's insecurity so the pair of them will just have to deal with it.

HiJenny35 · 25/06/2019 22:42

Nope the emails were from her, the text was from him, he's embarrassed and thinks it's ridiculous but doesn't want to have to say that it was GF.

Winchestermom35 · 25/06/2019 22:45

The card was for the benefit of your son, not your ex.

Your ex’s girlfriend is trying to control your son’s behaviour because she thinks it’s inappropriate.

Your ex facilitating this is basically putting her wants over his sons.

Peitho · 25/06/2019 22:51

Ignore them. The very idea that that woman can tell you what you can and can't do with your son.

Pah.

TeddybearBaby · 25/06/2019 22:58

I think I’d be tempted to post the original email to social media (bet it would go viral) so everyone can see what utter idiots they are. But that’s not very mature is it 😂🙊

TheFormidableMrsC · 25/06/2019 23:01

@ChevalierTialys Oh God, I do appreciate that...things haven't improved much as you can probaby guess (I'm alright though!)...you can probably imagine why this thread has riled me! Thank you Flowers

@WanderYonder Please PLEASE grab the bulls by the horn with this...absolutely fuck the girlfriend out of the picture...no she doesn't have control over your DS's decisions, no she can just get to fuck. No you don't agree to this arrangement going forward because DS has DEMONSTRATED quite clearly that he can manage this shit for himself. She's a GIRLFRIEND...please take that on board...her opinion counts for absolutely nothing. Please please don't let her controlling shit continue. It's utterly ludicrous.

IsabellaLinton · 25/06/2019 23:06

Oh for fuck’s sake! How petty and juvenile is she to find a card ‘inappropriate’? Stupid woman!

I’ve heard everything now. Sorry you’re having to deal with this shit OP.

magoria · 25/06/2019 23:20

I think you need to say, sorry you have misunderstood. The gesture was from your son. It wasn't a birthday, christmas, etc gift.

I did it for my son because I love him and he wanted to do it for you. There was sweet fuck all in it from me to you. Get over it.

homeishere · 25/06/2019 23:25

What a dick.

I’d say that I wouldn’t be saying no to our son if he sees something he wants to lick up for you and we’re together. I won’t go shopping with him for you, but as he gets older if he spots a spontaneous thing then he can use his pocket money etc to buy it for you.

What an absolute bell end your ex is. Just reconfirms you’re well shot of him.

PatchworkElmer · 25/06/2019 23:30

I’d be tempted to reply asking what, exactly they would like me to say to DS if the situation should arise again?

pallisers · 25/06/2019 23:37

It was a really nice gesture we'd just appreciate it if that sort of thing was left to GF to organise in future

That is so bizarre. The GF thinks her role in your exes life means she controls ... cards from his children. batshit crazy and pettifogging at the same time.

Tomorrow write back and say "jesus would have told ds that dad won't appreciate the card if I knew there was going to be this much hullabaloo. In future if your son wants to buy you a nice card when he is with me, I'll encourage him to get one for me instead - my boyfriend doesn't get bothered by my son giving me cards"

Although that post about the spine being happy in heaven with his balls also comes to mind.

cookingonwine · 25/06/2019 23:43

Oh do it again ha ha

baconsandwichandanegg · 25/06/2019 23:44

I'd just respond 'I'm not going to tell dc that he can't purchase a gift of his choice for his own dad and only GF can'

Bungalowblues · 25/06/2019 23:50

'The arrangement no longer works for me or DS, so moving forward I will let DS decide. After all he's the important one in all this don't you think?'

Then refuse to engage on the subject again. You must nip this in the bud or you could end up with bigger problems long term.

JaimeBronde · 25/06/2019 23:51

YANBU & makes me wonder if the daft GF is jealous she hasn't had an impromptu card something like this perhaps

I've upset ExHs GF
I've upset ExHs GF