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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset ExHs GF

378 replies

WanderYonder · 25/06/2019 17:47

TL:DR I bought a card for my ex on behalf of our son and it's upset ex's Gf.

Been separated for 3 years, divorce being finalised any day now. He lives with his GF nearly 2 hours away, DC stays with them every other weekend.

In Sainsbury's a couple of weekends ago with DC (7) and he spotted a blank card with a picture on the front that was a play on his dad's name. Hard to explain, but it wouldn't be amusing to anyone not called by Ex's name (and wasn't that funny anyway but, being 7, to DC it was hilarious).

DC asked to get it for his dad, so we did; and he wrote a little message inside and drew a picture. Ex came to collect last Friday for the weekend and DC gave him the card, all giggly. Ex did appropriate laughy reaction, said thank you, told him he'd keep it by his bed with a picture DC had drawn for him recently. Thought no more of it.

This afternoon I've had an email from Ex, which is unusual because usually we communicate via text. Very formal, and says that he would appreciate it if I refrained from purchasing any more cards for him in the future because his GF "finds it a bit inappropriate". I immediately replied and said I hadn't got him anything; the card was from his son. Got back: "Yes but we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. so I think GF felt that this wasn't quite sticking to that arrangement".

I feel completely 'Wtaf' about this but I'm in a baaaad mood today anyway and I have a habit of instinctively reacting to things and then calming down and realising I might have misread the situation. So, in the spirit of trying to rein myself in just in case this is one of those times, please tell me if iabu? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who is with someone else's ex. I've never been in that situation and I don't know, maybe this was wrong somehow?! And if I'm not BU to feel Hmm about this, what do I respond with?

Have nc'd because I'd rather this wasn't linked with my usual name.

OP posts:
Proteinshakesandtears · 26/06/2019 05:41

I would reply along the lines of

'It works for DS. You should be happy that your son saw something and really wanted to get you it. I think we should be doing what makes him happy. Not your girlfriend'

Oblomov19 · 26/06/2019 05:46

She sounds like a loon!

HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli · 26/06/2019 07:32

“Dear ex,

We hadn’t planned to pick anything up for you, DC just happened to see this while we were out and wanted to get it for you, obviously in that situation I’m not going to say ‘no’ (because that would be bonkers) but perfectly happy with the current general arrangement for birthdays, Father’s Day etc.”

MaverickSnoopy · 26/06/2019 07:49

This makes me so sad. My DC get so excited about choosing things for DH for his birthday etc. Having to tell them no would be very sad. Lost of gifts are found throughout the year on an ad hoc basis, not as prescribed times. Their arrangement doesn't work as children grow up.

You need to stand your ground on that. When do they think DS would be old enough to buy his gifts without GF?

KTara · 26/06/2019 08:08

I would also reply that you are not telling DS what he can or cannot buy his father. His relationship with his father is up to him. It is that simple.

Thequaffle · 26/06/2019 08:12

GF is BU

InTheHeatofLisbon · 26/06/2019 08:13

If that's what his gf is demanding, she can be the one to explain to a child that she's more important than him and that his dad agrees.

I would bet my house that neither of them want to be the ones to actually tell him that though.

They need to grow up and get a grip.

He's a child, his child. She's got no right to get in the middle of their relationship, and he (dad) ought to tell her that, sharpish.

Magicpaintbrush · 26/06/2019 08:17

They are batshit. End of.

Battenburg1978 · 26/06/2019 08:25

WTAF? That’s so horrid to your son. I also think the girlfriend being the only one to shop for the Father’s Day gifts etc is weird and I say that as a step mum. My DSD will shop with her own mum and with me - it’s not mutually exclusive?! Also I think you should commend yourself on having raised a thoughtful boy who wanted to get something that had meaning between him and his dad and was comfortable to ask you to get it. The GF needs to wind her neck in and put your sons interests first.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 26/06/2019 08:28

I think no response is the best response st this point, but I’d end up sending something like the below because if not be able to let it go.

Dear ex, my loyalties lie with our dc, I will continue to do what is in the best interests of our dc, and if that means buying a card he would like to send to you, then so be it (I’d have thought you’d have appreciated the thought behind it, and not the agreements). Your gf is more than welcome to continue buying Father’s Day and birthday cards if she so wishes. However my responsibility is for our dc, and not your gf, that’s your responsibility, not mine.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 26/06/2019 08:40

So if DC sees something they want to buy for their dad in future, you are expected to:
A) refuse, causing DC distress
or
B) purchase item and place it in a bag/envelope labelled "FAO Batshit GF", which you then pass along at handover, but DC won't understand ('cos 7) and will present it to Daddy immediately, thus negating the whole fucking point.

Is that about the size of it?

Brefugee · 26/06/2019 08:50

first: YANBU Grin

I'd either go the extremely petty route: text or mail the girlfriend with urgent requests every time i was out with DS along the lines of "photo DS wants to buy this for his dad, transfer XXX amount so he can do that" and suchlike

Or telling DS that his dad really appreciated the card and that if he ever sees anything else he'd like to get dad to let you know… little kids love to repeat an action that parents initially liked until it is beyond boring and awful…

Or I'd text EXH and say "matey, think about it. Which relationship should you be working harder at, DS or GF? and then say that in view of this great leap forwards in DS's maturity, from now on you he will be choosing cards and gifts for all the usual occasions.

It then doesn't matter if GF tries to outdo you or something because DS is what matters here and his relationship with his parent.

MegaClutterSlut · 26/06/2019 08:58

This is bloody crazy! She has no right to tell you what your son can and cannot buy and you should tell him that. Don't pander to her over something so ridiculous and stand your ground

Helmetbymidnight · 26/06/2019 09:02

I'd just text your ex:

'Ok, I'll tell xx he must never buy any cards/presents/tokens for you unless xx is there. Understood.'

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 26/06/2019 09:04

Or maybe ask your ex to explain the situation to DC. Ask him exactly how he'd phrase it without making his GF sound a bit mad. (Clue: tricky).

NeverSayFreelance · 26/06/2019 09:05

So his son isn't allowed to buy him anything unless GF approves??? Wtaf.

"Can I buy this for Daddy?"
"No darling, you're only allowed to buy him things when you're with GF"

Nonsense

flamingjune123 · 26/06/2019 09:07

GF has no right to dictate how you choose to spend time with your own son.
GF is not, nor ever will be, related ( except maybe in law if they marry) in any way to your DS.
Your DS is the product of you and your ex and will never be anything different. GF is neither here nor there

MonkeyTrap · 26/06/2019 09:08

Is this not also about nurturing a young boys generous and caring spirit? That’s not for your exes GF to control. That’s his own!

I would message back and say that DS is old enough to pick his own cards, this is what he chose for you and that it was a gesture from your son. Realistically it’s not long until he can go to the shops alone and not wait for you to go to the counter with him!

greenwaterbottle · 26/06/2019 09:23

Dear ex
Would you like me to say to ds either:

Your dad loves his card and says thanks.
Or
Your dads girlfriend is in charge of buying things so if you see anything thoughtful again don't bother.

?????

Jamiefraserskilt · 26/06/2019 09:40

Did he leave his balls at your house when he left?
The man needs to grow up and realise that 5 is not 7 and your dc has a mind of his own.
Twunk.

seahorse85 · 26/06/2019 10:50

See, that would just encourage me to do it more. What can she do?!

Like your dignified responses OP.

How embarrassing for her.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/06/2019 11:10

Can't believe he actually sent a message complaining about that, I'm embarrassed for him

FizzyGreenWater · 26/06/2019 11:11

"Thank you for your email. It was a really nice gesture we'd just appreciate it if that sort of thing was left to GF to organise in future"

My reply would be something like:

'With respect, I don't think you have a good perspective on this situation. If I am out with my son and he decides that he would like to buy something for his grandmother/father/friend and asks me to help facilitate that, then that is absolutely my decision and has no reference to how, for example, you arrange events such as birthdays. I certainly have no intention of modifying my parenting and my relationship with my son in our own time along these lines - how your GF feels is not more important to me than doing nice things for my son when he asks me to, and quite frankly it shouldn't be more important to you either - especially as I can only see one end result, which is to make it clear to our (rapidly maturing) son that you/your GF are difficult and/or easily offended. I'm astonished you'd think that that would be a good thing. My priority is to show to [son] at all times that our relationship is cordial, relaxed, and most of all that he can feel confident and supported in his decisions by us all without being made to 'choose' or feel guilty about anything.

To address the birthday gifts situation - something else I would sugges that you both consider is that DS is getting older. As you know, up until now I've been completely supportive of GF buying/choosing with DS and will continue to do so where possible. However, my parenting in my time is a different thing altogether, and as DS gets older, I will not be modifying our relationship to put GF or your wishes before his without a good reason that he can understand. So, once DS approaches the age where he's going to see things he wants to buy for you himself, when we're together, then that's what will happen - because I am not going to make it clear to DS that him acting on his own initiative is 'disapproved' of by either of you. Hopefully, you will both see that this is the best way to ultimately support you/GF's relationship with DS when you're not there - which is most of the time. I do not want DS to see you as the ones making 'rules' which clearly indicate insecurity or bitterness with our situation. Frankly I would be embarrassed to.

One suggestion might be that you think about making him a small allowance for birthdays/Xmas which he could then use to buy gifts he might see. Perhaps this would help, if the money for a gift had not technically spent any time in my bank account/purse?'

She's a twat by the way, and your Ex knows it.

KarmaStar · 26/06/2019 12:03

No you are nbu.
The pair of them are pretty ridiculous.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/06/2019 12:19

I know you've replied already but I think I would have said :

Are you for real? When DS saw a card that he thought you would like, you wanted me to say no when he asked to buy it for you? Honestly? Grow the fuck up