To wonder how life changes with children?

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I’m in my early 20s, in a long-term relationship. I’m at that age where I’m starting to think more seriously about the prospect of having children, in the nearish future.

It’s made me wonder: does life feel more fulfilled and exciting again with children? Does Christmas become more exciting again? Do you have more fun with birthdays, holidays, etc? I fully grasp the idea that things would become much more hard work with children, but surely in a rewarding way. Do you enjoy and appreciate life more, or in a different way?

I’m very interested to hear different views!

Having a baby is a piece of piss. All they do is cry and generally that can be fixed by changing a nappy, feeding them, putting them to bed or giving them a dummy.

Having a 6YO and a 4YO on the other hand is an absolute nightmare! The little buggers moan about everything. They have their own opinions and free will and aren't as compliant as a baby. They have shit like home work and sports days you're expected to rock up to. You pretty much spend the entire time wishing for the next stage because 'it will get easier' but in reality it doesn't!!

But they are cute and I love them. It somehow at the end of the day feels worth while.

Good luck OP!

Having kids shines a huge, glaring light on gender inequality within your relationship and within society and it can come as a big shock!

This, with bells on.

Probably going against the grain here but not sure the good does outweigh the bad. I love my dcs but it is fucking hard, relentless work. Be prepared to give up ( or put on hold) your career, your figure, your travels, your sex life, your financial stability and your sanity! Its bloody great when they grow up, move out and you start getting your life back!

I thought I knew what motherhood would be like.

Then we had twins.

I adore the bones of them but it is so SO hard. The first couple of years the youngest was a cling on. Then they swopped and for the past three years we’ve been having real issues with them. Everything is a fucking battle.

When they’re a joy, they’re wonderful. But that is not a feature of daily life at the moment, sadly.

I love watching them grow and their capacity for learning astonishes me. It’s great seeing them turn into human beings and discover new things.

But 99.9% of the stuff we’ve had to deal with isn’t in any parenting book. Even if someone had told me, I wouldn’t believe it. It’s TOUGH. Sure, you get the magical bits but they are, like a previous poster said. 0.000000009% of parenting.

You’re never off duty.

I’d do it again in a heartbeat, though sadly that ship has sailed.

When people say to me about getting a break from the kids I think 'why would I want to do that?' But there are times I think 'I need to get out of here!!' It's amazing, exhausting, terrifying ( it cements that you're an adult, and will shape somebody s entire existence!) Tbh you find even considering them not bring here surreal. I've had ups and quite low lows but yes, overall ... hmm, can't describe it-I have 4 boys so we can have crazy days and yes, I can't afford or do what I used to but I wouldn't change any of it

how does anyone cope on 2 hours of broken sleep for months on end? Did you not end up ill, with a weakened immune system? What support did you get through that time?
You keep going because you have no other choice. You’re bad tempered and break down crying and screaming over the littlest thing. You’re depressed and walk around like a zombie. You can’t think straight. You stop getting washed and brushing your teeth and hair because you can barely even sit upright never mind anything else. You crash the car. You drop everything except the bare essentials, your house is a tip and your relationships and friendships are non existent. You think of nothing except sleep. You may even reach the point where you start hallucinating or falling asleep sitting up. You hate everyone, especially your husband because no doubt he gets some sleep. For me it’s gone on 18 months so far with no end in sight. But I have no choice except to keep going.

Life is harder. Physically and mentally. The sleep issue is difficult but we’re through that now- getting up at 5am is my new normal!

But life has changed for the better, I felt a bit empty before I had DD. Now life makes more sense. Before I had her I was quite lazy and coasted through. Now I’m far more active, appreciate free time and do everything I can to make her happy. I’m a maternal person and I love taking care of her. Planning birthdays, days out, Christmas and just making her smile. As challenging as it is sometimes!

I should add sleep was an issue until about 11 months. But if you and DH are a team you can get through it. You have to work together (and it’s important you have the lie ins/ naps especially if you are breastfeeding). Co sleeping helps massively. I didn’t think we would get through it but we did! I weirdly miss our night feeds now- even though I know it was hard at the time!

So many mitigating factors so there's no easy answer to your question. Depends on:
How many kids you have
Support from a partner
Your career aspirations
Finances
Family support
All of the family's personalities/mental health
Expectations
Any many more.....

For me I've realised that the amount of kids you have is key. I only have one (aged 7) . I wanted more but couldn't. Although this upset me I now see it as a positive. One dc allows me to have the best of both worlds- lots of time with dc, can support her hobbies and education, a fulfilling career, money, time with my dh, time for hobbies, holidays and weekend trips away as a family, nights out and weekends away with my mates, meals out as a family etc. Tbh now that dc is getting more independent life is so much easier and there's very few things that I can't do now that I could prior to having her.

People told me you always worry about your kids but I didn’t understand the sheer level of 24/7 worry / responsibility. I can’t ever turn it off. If I’m sick, I can’t just go to bed and recover - even if they’re being looked after, I can’t switch it off. It’s impossible to prepare yourself for how this feels.

With regards to sleep deprivation you just learn to cope because you have to. I love my sleep and pre baby needed 9 hours to function. Then I got pregnant and at 8 weeks pregnancy insomnia hit (something I’d never heard of and didn’t have with my first dc) I was coping on 4 hours broken sleep the entire pregnancy but could at least nap when my older dc went to school. Then the baby came and initially I felt better for it as the insomnia lifted and I could actually sleep between wake ups. We are now 7 months in and dd still wakes between 3 and 7 times a night. I don’t know how I cope but I do although I am a lot more irritable than I used to be, I think your body just adjusts tbh.

The boredom, no one tells you about the boredom. You make plans to ensure they're happy for the day but most of those activities are tedious as fuck. I'm talking 2 year olds here. I'm looking forward to when they're a bit of older and fun isn't being pushed on a swing for 15 minutes

I can see him not quite pulling his weight when we’ve got a child! Things could change by then, however.

It stone cold, categorically, 100% won't.

I'm telling you right now. You either have a good 'un before kids, or you don't.

And it doesn't magically get better after kids arrive, when there's so much more to do!

Quite the opposite - it gets worse.

Yes all of the annual celebrations are lovely and Magical but you will also find yourself in situations where you say things like;

“Darling, mummy is on the toilet please just wait outside”

“Stop swinging on the door handles”

“Sweetie please stop licking the dogs nose”

“Please stop crying darling the blue bowl is in the dishwasher and there is nothing wrong with the orange bowl”

“Since when do we eat sandwiches on the toilet”

And also when you say or ask these things you won’t get any valid responses as they have selective hearing!!

its amazing. I am that saddo who cant wait to just take my baby out to the shops - not to show him off, just to be with him, and spend timewith him.

I cannot wait for birthdays and christmas.

I am on duty 24.7 and it changes your entire life but its brilliant - hard work but amazing.

I will add - the other day, i got to have a coffee. Alone. embrace this before you get pregnant. i didnt realise how precious time is. also how quickly it flies!

My kids (3 and 4) are my life.

Everything about my dad revolves around my kids.. Xmas, birthdays, Easter, the summer, snow at winter time, rainbows, seeing a fire engine, running around in the rain, laughing, doing high fives... just every thing is more amazing once you have kids!!!! Everything.

My life would be empty without them and I have no idea how I ever lived without my children.
It's hard.... really hard at time, hard to tears some days/nights, but you change and grow so much as a person and it makes you stronger.

There is nothing like feeling like an amazing mum ... even the days that you just feel "meh"... they're still better than before I had kids

there is nothing like feeling like an amazing mum

Wow, I wish. I literally have no comprehension of how this feels - never even realised people actually did!

Darling, mummy is on the toilet please just wait outside”

And you will say this daily because every time you say it, they think it only applies to that particular loo visit.

It’s just the best thing that ever happened to me. It took me 4 years, 2 losses and a lot of medical intervention to have DS, another 2 to have DD, they’re teenagers now and there’s not a day that goes by without me thinking how lucky I am that it all worked out for me and how much I love them.

Yes your life changes completely, and it’s incredibly busy and tiring, but in such a positive way. I love doing all the family things, I love spending time with them, I love seeing them grow and develop, I love seeing them interact with their friends.

I hope you will also feel such feelings OP.

The thing is, no one ever contemplates the reality of having a baby - everyone thinks cute baby, sleeping through, wonderful friends, balanced life, the proverbial "white picket fence" - it may or may not be like that

Point is - you get what you get - you do the best with what you've got - but it's rarely what you thought it would be - so do it for the right reasons - do it because you want the reality whatever that might be - and be honest about the package - and above all make sure you want to bring children into the world and support them for the rest of your life (even if life doesn't turn out as you expect)

Oh btw what Dughug said.the sleep thing. Dughug

My dd is almost 7 and doesn't sleep through the night because of her ASD. I can't remember what proper sleep feels like.

The highs are higher than you have ever even imagined. But the lows are also lower. Sometimes you reach both in the space of an hour. With my eldest I experienced the first time knowing there was someone I would both die for and kill for. It’s a force of feeling that is both beautiful and pretty scary.

Whatever you do make sure your relationship, home and finances are as stable as possible before procreating. Having a baby adds pressure to every aspect of your life so although the story goes there’s no ‘right’ time to have a baby there’s definitely a more difficult time if those things aren’t sorted.

Best but hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Very good thread here about the shit parts of parenthood.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/2731884-I-hate-having-kids

Reading this with interest as I contemplate child 2. DS is 5 and life is largely lovely. Not sure I can ensure the crap boring baby years again.