To wonder how life changes with children?

[Justanamechange2]

I’m in my early 20s, in a long-term relationship. I’m at that age where I’m starting to think more seriously about the prospect of having children, in the nearish future.

It’s made me wonder: does life feel more fulfilled and exciting again with children? Does Christmas become more exciting again? Do you have more fun with birthdays, holidays, etc? I fully grasp the idea that things would become much more hard work with children, but surely in a rewarding way. Do you enjoy and appreciate life more, or in a different way?

I’m very interested to hear different views!

his effort with housework, is another story. I can see him not quite pulling his weight when we’ve got a child! Things could change by then, however
If you have a baby with partner who is not pulling his weight then things will change indeed. They will get considerably worse.
You have to sort it out right now, if you want to have children with this man. I'm not kidding. Don't pick up after him, because it's not a big deal and not that hard. Don't take over the management of all your joint affairs. Because when the baby arrives, your workload will increase a hundredfold, and the partner will still expect that you do all the work you did before. And you will resent him, and he will complain that you nag all the time, as he simply 'doesn't see' what needs to be done. Sort it out, now.

What @KatharinaRosalie said times 1000

My life would be empty without them

That's kind of sad, actually. And a recipe for disaster.

I think I would have had a fine life without kids - different certainly but still full and happy

I don't think we should feel we have to bring children into this world - if you do fine, if you don't that should be fine too

I asked my dad why he decided to have children and he said he "just did" and that "no one thought about not having children - it was just what you did"

I think the world would be better off if more people made educated conscious self aware decisions - myself included

how does anyone cope on 2 hours of broken sleep for months on end? Did you not end up ill, with a weakened immune system?

Yes, I did end up often ill, my immune system was shot and my mental state was altered beyond belief. You only realise how bad it is when you eventually get 5/6 hours in a row and the whole world looks brighter!

That said some babies are significantly better sleepers than others. I was tired in the beginning with DD1 but she was always a good sleeper and by two months was sleeping 12 hours straight. My god did I have to make up for that stroke of luck when DD2 came along - 19 months old and still wakes multiple times a night - I'm a wreck!

his effort with housework is another story

The single best piece of advice I can give you is not to have children with this man. He will NOT change and things will get worse not better if you bring children into it. You've been warned in advance, oh how I wish I had had the foresight to not bring children into the world with a lazy, sexist man. It's a huge source of regret for me and is going to be a mess to extricate myself from. You're so young still, plenty of time to find someone who will be your equal and who will view parenting and domestic work as a joint partnership - aim higher OP!

Is Christmas fun?
If you can't have a fun Christmas when you're single then you won't with kids.
If you do make it a fun Christmas with children you will be too tired to enjoy it.
Job no one is to get you OH to do his share of the housework.

My life would be empty without them and I have no idea how I ever lived without my children.

I don't think this is either (a) the norm or (b) something to be aspired to. I don't know how I would recover if something happened to my beloved DS though I know there are parents on this forum who live daily with losing a child but if I had not had him, life would also have been good, just different.

And I agree entirely with @Mummyshark2018's post above about all the mitigating factors which will have an impact on your life after having a child -- finances, work, the strength of your relationship with your partner and his/her ability willingness to participate fully and equally in parenting, family or other support network etc etc.

Plus you cannot predict the kind of child you will have. Adoptive parents are trained to expect this because they have not been the ones who determined their child's in utero experience and early life, but birth parents may also have children with additional needs or disabilities, or indeed unexpected gifts, or who are not NT, and who need intensive or different parenting which may conflict with your career aspirations/cause problems in your finances/require special schooling or home schooling etc.

Re sleep deprivation,the only thing that got me through was co-sleeping for a significant chunk of the first 2 years of DD'S life. Which had knock-on effects on my relationship. So it's a balancing act always. One thing you do need is a self confident and self sufficient partner who is on board with the fact they will come second in your life for a good while. Trying to balance the unrealistic expectations of a partner who likes to come first with the totally inhumane tyranny of a young baby is a recipe for madness! Or, you know, so I hear 😆

If you had a worry-free, financially comfortable, interesting, career fulfilling life before kids, it’s definitely going to get worse.

Whoever said Christmas was only 0.0000009% of the times was absolutely right. Please forget Christmas.

*I can see him not quite pulling his weight when we’ve got a child! Things could change by then, however.

It stone cold, categorically, 100% won't.*

I cannot agree with this statement more.

That bold didn’t work.

I meant I agreed with this:

It stone cold, categorically, 100% won't

@Lweji
Sad how!? And a recipe for disaster how!?

You don't know my life.
I love my kids more than my own life. Theyre my every thing. I tried for 8 years to conceive and been through hell and back and now I would say my life is pretty near perfect! (IMO anyway.. And for me)

My statement that my life would be empty without them .. that's true! I had an amazing life before having kids .. amazing job, amazing partner etc- but there was always something missing because I wanted to become a mother so much.

Your comment is nasty and uncalled for. Yes it's your opinion... on my comment, but maybe ask WHY I would say that and don't just state how SAD It is.

@Suvin
Who are you to state what the "norm" is??
As I said above to another person to comment on about what I have written about MY life and MY feelings...

I had an amazing life before my kids came along. Theyre now my life, I wouldn't want it any other way, I've never had the happiness my 2 children have given me , the memories and joy each and every day. I do know how I lived with out this kind of happiness to this extent and now it's amazing I do.
Your comment is just nasty and uneeded.

@alltheteainchinajustisntenough

Why don't you feel like an amazing mum?
I feel it almost every day, I know alot of mums that think that way about themselves. I'm proud to know I am, my kids are fed, dressed and more importantly happy, that makes me feel great- I feel like super mum almost every day with these two lol.
Maybe start thinking of yourself as one as I'm sure you are and life with kids feels alot better

@EllenAshSky1

I stand by my comment.
What would your life be like without children? Not worth living?
You said you went through hell and back to have children. I'm sure it was worth it because you do have children now, but what if it hadn't worked?
What happens when they leave home?
I do think it's sad when people make their happiness or their life worthiness depend on children. There's more to our lives than children and I do think it's sad when people's only (or almost only) goal in life is to have them.
I do hope you find a way to enjoy your life that doesn't depend so much on your children, for your sake and theirs.

I also went to hell and back trying without success to have children. I don’t think the life I have now is empty and meaningless, I have a great deal to be thankful for.

My life is amazing... what do you think happens when they're at school or out with family... I sit alone at home like a hermit. No... I run my own barbers which brings me alot of happiness and joy, I have alot of friends and family who are healthy and happy.. I love my kids with everything I have, you sound very bitter and negative.
I said "My life would be empty without them".... as in, that side. That side of things... obviously because I wouldn't have kids to fill my mother role which I wanted so desperately.
After 5 years I stopped "trying" and focused on every other aspect of my life which was fantastic.. And it happened another 3 years later. . After giving up tracking and doctors apps . So as you ask if it didn't work my life would have been like what it was then.. amazing lol. Just different.. obviously.

Empty was coming from the side of being a mother.
My children are very,very happy children so you don't need to worry about anything for their sake thank you.
I'm now studying to become a master barber as my other work goals I have accomplished, before kids.. while pregnant and now with two.
My main goal wasn't I NEED KIDS OTHERIWSE I HAVE NO LIFE... no. Far from. I had an amazing life and wanted children.. after trying it become an obsession that I soon gave up because I didn't ever think I would have a child of my own. Luckily I did.. And it's amazing and life is great with them and even when they leave home!! I can't wait for them.to tell me they're doing amazing at work.. have a place have a wife etc, all the great things that come with bringing a life into this world. You've taken my comment and looked far too much into it and twisted it to suit how you feel and not how I feel.

@SerenDippitty

"I also went to hell and back trying without success to have children. I don’t think the life I have now is empty and meaningless, I have a great deal to be thankful for."

No one said your life is empty and meaningless?
I think you've taken MY comment and made it more "if you don't have kids your life is empty and meaningless!" And that is not what I said.
My whole comment was my feelings, about my life, my comment to another woman. A positive comment.

Maybe you should have a look at how you take things regarding women with or without kids and not take everything SO personally especially comments no where near directed at anyone else.
I know you feel this way because you would have never stated this in your comment as no-one said anything about you or your life?

I really think you should be more careful how you word things, particularly when childless people are around.

"Having children is great" is different from saying "my life would be empty". The first is a positive comment. The second, not so much.

Of course that anyone with children would miss them terribly, and those who want children but don't have them will feel a void of some sort, probably.
But, it's still not the same as having an empty life.

For what it's worth, I'm also all for considering ourselves great mums and to leave most of the doubts behind us. We're doing our best, and making mistakes is part of being human and of being a parent too.

You all jumped on my comment...

Which is about me.. And my life. My feelings.
You even commented because I said about being an amazing mum!? Lol.
I think you and others should take a step back and be less with the negativity towards people's POSITIVE comments about THEIR OWN lives.. which you all know nothing about? Just a comment.

I never said perfect??? I said I PERSONALLY FEEL like an amazing mum.
I make mistakes every day.. I'm not perfect.. no way near. But I tell you something, I feel like an amazing mum and I'm allowed to state that.. because TO ME there is no better feeling. I can't state enough that these are my feelings not facts!! I think just getting through the day and your kids to bed at night you should feel like an amazing mum doing the best we can. You're taking my comment and ripping it apart. Something positive turnt into something so negative. Now that is what's sad.
I

I'm leaving it there.

I'm not one for dealing with such negativity and pettiness over something so minor.

I'm sorry you've taken offence to my first comment, I was stating my feelings , that was all and yes... even calling myself an amazing mum.. I apologise.

I hope you all have a good day and that will be the first and last time I comment on this site because this has not been a pleasant experience.

Have a lovely day everyone x

@Cyclades1
I felt exactly the same!! My mum is the most amazing mother in the world she is so selfless and just radiates a mother figure. She did everything for me and my 2 siblings. I assumed I would be exactly the same. I however am not like my mother, I am so much more selfish than I ever thought I was (except I now can not be selfish)!

I love my DS with all of my heart but it is so much harder than I every thought it would be. The fact I never get a second to myself even if he is in bed I am thinking about what he will eat tomorrow, is his nursery bag packed (of course my dp helps too). The sleep deprivation was absolutely horrendous. He has only just started sleeping 2 years later but wakes up at 5 every morning without fail.

As a pp said having kids makes everything in your life worse apart from the fact you have children and my DS is the most amazing person I know. He is hilarious and he makes me smile every single day.

@EllenAshSky1

I was actually agreeing with your comment regarding being an amazing mum. Peace.

Can't believe how people are picking Ellen's words apart. I hate this idea that someone's subjective experience, if not accessible or desirable to everyone, can never be celebrated without a raft of caveats about their subjective experience not applying to everyone. Same as the pile on whenever a woman wants to celebrate her breastfeeding journey and doesn't first chastise herself for being "Lucky enough" to breastfeed and grovel at the altar of Fed Is Best. Can't say you feel breastfeeding has been beneficial for your child in any way or you're implying other mothers are depriving their babies; better not suggest breastfeeding made you feel bonded to your baby, or you're clearly implying other mothers aren't bonded to their babies, you smug bitch!

There's this real strand of faux-feminism that absolutely loves to shit on motherhood and any woman who builds her life and her identity around it as a primary thing. To take it seriously and to enjoy it more than anything else makes you pathetic, boring, needy, even damaged. As if it's impossible to have a full and rounded life, a deep mind and a range of experiences...and still think mothering children is the very best thing you've done and the only way that YOU PERSONALLY feel fulfilled. And of course the idea that mothering stops the minute you leave home and then there'll be a gaping hole in your identity, rather than the relationship evolving and continuing in an organic way. It's such a capitalist, neo-liberal backbiting mentality and the fact it gets brandished about in the name of sorority and even of feminism makes me cross.

Kids dont just change your life. You lead a different life once they come along. I loved the madness of their younger years. I thrived on their excitement and wonder and loved being with them for their 1sts. I dont think u realise til u have kids how much time u actually have.
I appreciate my (limited) free time now and try to use it resourcefully.
I've had so much fun with them. I've always loved xmas but it became even better with kids. And you get reintroduced to jelly and icecream at kids parties 😅
The down sides are all the chores - so many of them. And it is tiring.
Make sure chores are shared - my partner was bone idle around the house. Easier now he's gone