To wonder how life changes with children?

[Justanamechange2]

I’m in my early 20s, in a long-term relationship. I’m at that age where I’m starting to think more seriously about the prospect of having children, in the nearish future.

It’s made me wonder: does life feel more fulfilled and exciting again with children? Does Christmas become more exciting again? Do you have more fun with birthdays, holidays, etc? I fully grasp the idea that things would become much more hard work with children, but surely in a rewarding way. Do you enjoy and appreciate life more, or in a different way?

I’m very interested to hear different views!

The baby stage sucks balls, IMO.

Most of my friends have older children that I have babysat en masse for long periods of time (I don’t work school holidays) and I still find toddlers easier than my (adorable) 7 month old. Even multiple toddlers at once which, yes, I do have experience of!

However I wouldn’t change her for the world, and I know that the baby stage is something I would go through again to get a child to love.

I LOVED the baby stage. But I had a really good baby.
I'm one of those really weird people who really dislikes children apart from my own. I adore my daughter and the one im carrying. There really is no love like the love you have for your child. It over rides any negatives they may throw at you.

Imagine being so exhausted all you can imagine doing is going to bed and sleeping for 24 hours. Next, imagine you have this tiny human crying, making demands, vomiting and nothing you can do is stopping this. Imagine this going on for weeks. That’s motherhood in the early months.

Yes being a parent is rewarding but only enter parenthood if you are prepared to put your own needs and wants to not th back burner for at least 16 years.

To be put on the back burner that should say.

I might buck the trend of opinion here and say I don’t find Christmas and birthdays better with children. They get massively over stimulated and can’t manage those emotions at all. In many ways I prefer the day to day.

I feel I’ve given up on my career for the sake of my children-I didn’t have to but they are much much happier with me around. I assumed I would use childcare as a service, kids club in holidays, babysitting but the reality hasn’t worked like that...

We have 3DC and I’m pretty much a solo parent for 65 hours of the working week, I have to schedule drinks with friends months in advance, none of my close friends live locally anymore and even catching up on the phone is an infrequent occurrence.
Life is good with my children but it could have looked good without them too-what’s important is being comfortable and accepting of the decisions you make.

Mine are older now. 14 and 12. The teen years come with their own set of plus points and not so plus points haha.
I can have a real laugh with my 2 now. They're like friends ( don't worry MN I do parent them)
They make me proud when I listen to their opinions and see how smart they are, I know I helped them become what they are now.
Christmas is still magical and they both embrace it. We have our traditions and despite them both being nearly 6ft they're still my babies and Christmas for me brings it all home.
The downside for me was never lack of sleep, feeling isolated etc as they are phases and they do pass and I quite liked the alone time with them as babies. At 3am or 3pm.
The downside for parenting for me and it hasn't changed throughout 14 years is the constant worry.
I would say I am on the slightly neurotic side in all honesty but I worry about them so much

I worry if they're out with friends

I worry when they're on a school trip
I worry when they're at a sleepover.

Any illness that isn't a slight cold has me instantly worrying and my imagination worrying away with me.
This could be a reflection on me though not parenting in general.

I think if you're in it for the "experiences" like magical Christmas etc you will be disappointed. For one thing the big ticket items like that are few and far between...for another babies don't care and older children are contrary little beggars who often entirely ignore the Hallmark "rightness" of things by preferring a packing box of foam peanuts to the beautiful new balance bike you got them or crying because you got the wrong type of Lego 😁 Plans so rarely go as you plan, they're little people and delight in throwing you curve balls.

And yes, WORK. And be prepared for the very real possibility you might not get more than a few hours sleep at a time for over a year. Sleep deprivation - real true sleep deprivation- is fucking brutal and can draw a shadow over everything else at times. Even sharing the night duties equally (impossible if breastfeeding) you will feel like the walking dead sometimes if your child isn't a sleeper.

But. But. In terms of fulfilment and self discovery ime there's nothing to beat it. What Clownfish said really - it was the first time I felt like what I did REALLY mattered. And the love you feel for your child... It's a revelation of a scale broadly similar to the first time you get the ACTUAL flu (the kind that lays you out in bed for a week) after always thinking you were having it every time you got a bad cold (this is not a popular view and not true I'm sure for everyone but it's how it was for me).

• my imagination running away with me even

** who they are.

I think the people who find it least stressful (always assuming no SN, poverty, health problems, marital stress etc) are the ones who find it easy to adapt and can find entertainment in a wide range of things.

If you have a fixed idea of what a holiday must look like to be relaxing, then holidaying with a toddler is probably going to be hell on earth. If you are prepared to go at their pace and look with their eyes and find that interesting, then it doesn't have to be that bad.

If you can find entertainment on a wet Sunday by dancing around the living room singing at the top of your voice and waving your arms, then you might well be fine.

I’m going to be the depressing poster. My eldest is now in reception. I have another DC just a year younger. I had (have) PND from the birth of my first, and can honestly say I’ve cried every single day for the last five years. I struggle every day. I sob myself to sleep on the darkest days and getting out of bed in the morning feels like it takes everything I have.

But I love my kids with a passion I never knew existed before I became a parent. Every facet of life is heightened and they bring so much joy to me every day, despite the darkness.

I wish my experience thus far had been different, and I am also in a minority with respect to the experience itself, but being a parent IS definitely worth it xxx

Lots of people will be along to confirm what is often true; life can feel so much more fulfilling and rewarding with DC. However, what constantly struck me after DC were born was all the things that nobody had ever told me might happen. Or perhaps they'd told me but I lacked the something-or-other to really take it in and think it might happen to me.
Never known tiredness like it in the first years. Nothing had prepared me for it, having been a total Duracell bunny prior to DC. Sick to the stomach, nauseous, dessicated, impaired cognitive function kind of dead, leaden tiredness. For months and months. Having to carry on regardless, irrespective of every cell of my being hurting with lack of sleep. However, looking back, it doesn't seem so bad. DP definitely couldn't cope with disrupted sleep, no question of whether it is fair or not, he just couldn't. It hadn't occurred to me that it might be my partner who wouldn't be able to cope, no prior indicators. This was a big shock. So do consider what you might do if you find you need to care for a new baby as well as a partner with acute MH problems. Especially without friends or family close by.
Early motherhood can also be a time of immense insecurity. Choose your friends well, surround yourself with those who you really wouldn't care if they see you at your worst, or your most vulnerable. I made some of my closest friends in the first year of parenthood, and that has been an incredibly fulfilling byproduct of having DC.
The thing that is least fulfilling now is knowing that my carbon footprint ballooned the moment DC came along, despite doing all the 'right' eco-parenty things. Before DC I cycled everywhere, with DC time is much more squeezed and you just can't get around so easily, so I end up driving places I would never normally drive to. Despite trying to keep consumption down, reusing, buying 95% second hand, making do and mending etc, I still end up buying more stuff than before DC and so creating more waste. This is the real challenge of parenthood in this century, and Christmas is only as magical as your consumer conscience allows.

OP, why are you asking about life becoming exciting again? You're in your early 20s without family obligations, why isn't your life exciting and fun as it is?

I love it, it’s so much fun! I like a slow pace of life so pottering around the house with a toddler, lying on a blanket in the park with a baby etc. suits me to the ground. I did a few baby classes but I’m not really a go go go person. My relationship with my partner and my friends haven’t changed that much- still go camping, festivals, shopping, have girly nights in and watch trash. I will note that I formula fed which I think made getting out and about without baby easier in the early days. I could leave her with her dad and go to my best friends for an evening for a break and not have to worry about pumping or anything.

I agree with pp who said that the hardest part is how relentless it is- parenting a toddler when you’re ill is the WORST.

Op I'm currently sat upstairs breastfeeding a baby while my half-eaten tea is going cold downstairs. I honestly can't remember the last time I ate my tea uninterrupted, I've tried varying the time I eat but nothing works. My baby's super power is knowing when I sit on the sofa to relax with my meal and then deciding he isn't happy about it!

Changed my life for the better I feel. Christmas and birthdays mean so much. I love planning activities and days out for them. It's given my life a new sense of purpose, my only wish is they had a better relationship with both sets of grandparents

budgiegirl summed it up lovely

The love we feel is just incredible, I am like a lioness with my son lol I would literally do anything for him, I am fiercely protective and it can make me cry just how much i love him.
I worry about him, is he eating, sleeping, drinking, growing enough and many many more things.
I didn't sleep properly for a long while, but didn't care as it was for him.

It can be relentless, but I absolutely love it, he brings so so much joy to our lives, everything is new again, it's like you see things again for the 1st time.

I am so thankful for my life, I love it and he just completes it. I would never be without him for absolutely anything in the world.

I love my kids more than anything. They're fun to be with, hilarious, loving. I enjoy all the stuff we do together, trips to the farm, cinema etc. I love Christmas and their birthdays. I love the fact I kind of relive my childhood experiences through them. They give me a real focus in life. Before kids I was a bit of a drifter and although I was happy and enjoyed life I didn't really have any sense of purpose. I love seeing them grow and change. They are always surprising me with the things they say and do. Most of all I love loving them and I love being loved by them.
Now for the negative stuff. The first year of sleep deprivation was very tough. I felt quite depressed and I'm sure it was purely down to the lack of sleep. How do you cope? Well you have no choice but to cope but sometimes you feel like you're not coping. Mind are 8 and 6 and I still feel permanently exhausted. They sleep well now but I get tired from the relentless responsibility, never ever having a lie in, trying to juggle looking after the kids with housework, job, being a good partner etc. I miss having free time and time to myself, I miss being spontaneous and going on holidays with friends, doing fun stuff like that. Sometimes I feel like I've lost myself a little. I've stopped being me and have become "mummy". I don't like the fact that I'm always worrying about them and dread the teenage years when they'll be out late drinking etc (just as I did!). I'm often so tired I don't give them my full attention and I feel like I'm not having as much fun with them as I should. Then I feel guilty and wish I was a better mother. Life has become more of a slog, there's no denying it. But I love them.

I work with young children, so have a much clearer idea of what it’s like than I did, say, 5 years ago.

Yeah, I thought that too. Sorry OP, I've worked with kids my whole adult life and love it so I believed I was prepared for the realities of having a child of my own but I was wrong. It turns out nothing can prepare you for parenthood.

The love you feel for your children is overwhelming, like nothing you've ever experienced and there are certainly moments of pure joy. But with that comes an immense weight of responsibility. There's a lot of worry, constant guilt (the nagging voice in the back of your head wondering 'am I doing enough?'), exhaustion and the biggest change, for me anyway, the loss of freedom. The baby toddler years are utterly relentless, they're so dependent on you that their needs are all consuming and your own needs and wants don't just have to take a back seat, they get lost entirely for a while. I'm not talking about the freedom to go for long boozy lunches or spontaneous weekends away (although obviously those are out too!), but little things you've always taken completely for granted like the freedom to eat when you want and to wash your hair when you want, not just when you 'get the chance'. And I certainly wouldn't have DC in the hope it will make life "more exciting" or you're setting yourself up for disappointment. So much of it is drudgery and endless repetition in the early years.

I remember when I was pregnant with my first people kept telling me "your whole life is about to change" and I thought "yeah, I know. Obviously " but I honestly don't think I appreciated that everything would change, and that it would change so completely. Then, all of a sudden they get to about three years old and you realise that you can leave the house without carting loads of stuff about like a pack-horse. Eating out becomes a treat again rather than an exercise in public humiliation. You can actually leave the room for a few minutes without worrying they're going to do something completely bizarre and reckless that might get them killed. You start to get your life back, basically. Then if you're anything like me you get all hormonal and broody, forget how hellish the baby/toddler stage was and have another one

Honestly though, I wouldn't be without them. Yes, I sometimes fantasise about faking my own death and starting a new life somewhere nobody knows me, but just when I think I've reached breaking point one of them will do something so fucking adorable that it melts my heart.

Funny, holidays and Christmas are probably my least favourite parts of being a parent.

What I have loved - leaving ds himself aside, who is just astonishing- is becoming the matriarch. Holidays were shit so there came a point where I just said, I'm not doing that any more. My dad was actively unpleasant to ds so I really don't see him very much, and not at christmas, which has improved my life no end. I love my relationship with my mum and my inkaws though- the only people who know how amazing ds is and will discuss the minutiae of his life with me.

My life feels far more complete now. I’m much less selfish - I have two small people which occupy my headspace. I don’t have time to sweat the small stuff. Days out are much more fun, even though they are obviously to kid-friendly places. Christmas is magical, all holidays are now something to look forward to immensely. Simple things like paddling pools, ice cream, having a small person snuggle up to you are awesome/exciting.

Obviously my life is much harder now in other ways but you seemed to want to hear the positives!

Honestly, it's relentless.

I had my children mid thirties. I had done almost everything I wanted to. Uni, career established, earning well, travelled lots, worked abroad, festivals, gigs, parties, socialising, lots of bucket listy things like sky diving and bungee jumping... actually I was very ready to relax and take life at a different more mindful pace.
I definitely feel my life has more purpose now and my goals feel more meaningful. I’m more patient. Having children has taught me to be less selfish, less perfectionist, and more philosophical.
I worry about things I didn’t think about before. It has been difficult to balance a demanding job with kids, but I've coped. Its chaos, a massive juggle, and so difficult at times. But I love it. I love them more than anything. They drive me absolutely crazy and I’m totally exhausted.

I would say, make sure you have lived first and feel satisfied with your achievements. Feel ready enough that you won’t mind the sacrifice.

Ministerforcheekyfuckery your post is spot on!

I'm similar to @Clownfish123 in that having a child really refocused my energy and actually improved my mental health.

It has been tough at times, but I made some mum friends at NCT which really really helps. Solidarity is a great thing!

Agree with all the previous posters that I love my child more than I thought possible.

As a weird side note, I got a puppy a few years back which prepared me ever so slightly in some respects (dealing with poo, constantly on alert - he was a very naughty puppy!)