To wonder how life changes with children?

[Justanamechange2]

I’m in my early 20s, in a long-term relationship. I’m at that age where I’m starting to think more seriously about the prospect of having children, in the nearish future.

It’s made me wonder: does life feel more fulfilled and exciting again with children? Does Christmas become more exciting again? Do you have more fun with birthdays, holidays, etc? I fully grasp the idea that things would become much more hard work with children, but surely in a rewarding way. Do you enjoy and appreciate life more, or in a different way?

I’m very interested to hear different views!

For me I find life much more fulfilling now I have DS and I love planning Christmas and his birthday. I also love going on day trips out to zoos etc. Probably helps though that I only have one as it's still pretty easy to coordinate life.

However for the first year of DS' life I had PND and thought my life was over and I had made the biggest mistake ever.

having children changes your life irrevocably.For me, it's not better or worse. It's just completely different. I wouldn't dream of going back to the old ways if it meant giving up DC. I love them and get huge joy from them in my life. BUT there are still things I miss about not having children. That's life.

For me, the relentlessness of parenting is what's so hard. There just isn't the option to decide to spend a weekend in a dark room watching TV after a crazy week. And in the unlikely event I COULD do that (eg DH decided to take kids away for weekend without me), the sad truth is that I would miss them. So it's like I want that time alone but when I get it, there's a part of me that doesn't. It's annoying.

Holidays, Christmas, Easter - any event really - feel better than they ever have. Day trips too. Life is different yes, but 80% of the time you can just do the same thing but involving them. I can’t lay in bed all day or sleep on my sunlounger but everything is more fun.

I'm tired, my clothes are not as nice, I'm always late, my holidays are no longer cultured and are more about if there's a small pool and a character that dresses up however I love it, I thought I couldn't love anyone like I lived my little sister or my partner then I had my children. Christmas is amazing, birthdays are exciting again, you get to go on all the kids rides and to the park and softplay and no one looks at you like you are mad. To be honest it's what you make of it. We do constant parks and sights and going to explor things, making and museums, for us our whole world has changed. I thought I would always want to work and hated the idea of being a stay at home mum, now I'm a stay at home mum and love every minute of my time with them. However I've got friends who really don't enjoy it, can't wait for the kids to be older and hate the whole agro of it all.

I’ve found it to be a new perspective on life. Much like your life now probably isn’t one long party but has it’s moments in amongst the slog and routine.

There is less opportunity for selfishness now but I’ve found that it doesn’t really matter as much as it would have before. I get more satisfaction in giving something up if I can see it benefits my daughter in some way.

It’s a weird one to try and explain. Dd was a long time coming and I felt desperate to start a family but having kids doesn’t suddenly throw things into some kind of kaleidoscope rainbow. It’s just a different phase. Much like leaving education and starting employment doesn’t suddenly make you a proper ‘grown up’ or rich and has its ups and downs. It’s just a different lifestyle I suppose.

Well yes, I’d say all these things become magical again with children. I have loved it so far.

But... the phase when children are young is relatively short. I wouldn’t have children just for this reason as in ten years time you might find yourself wondering ‘what now’?

I think I’d have a bit of a think about how to make your own life more exciting first so you are solid in yourself before you bring kids into the mix.

Good luck

Yes. Christmas, birthdays etc I get really excited about, especially the run up to Christmas.

Everyday things can be more stressful, and more fulfilling at the same time. For instance, last night I wanted a brew, but I had ran out of milk and OH was out. The kids were in bed. Pre kids, I’d have ran to the shop, and been home with my brew in time for love island. Post kids, I couldn’t get the milk, so I had a glass of water instead as I hate black tea.

I can be stressed, knackered and literally at the end of my rope some days. Other days, I can’t imagine another way to make cakes other than with a 5 year old and a 2 year old continuously laughing and trying to stick their fingers in the mix.

Swings and roundabouts anyway for me. Massive highs and sometimes lows. Fortunately the bad is outweighed 100/1 by the good.

It seems to be a common theme with parents saying that having children is hard, but they wouldn’t change it for the world!

@EmrysAtticus

I’m glad you mentioned the PND in the first year - that’s my main worry. I am someone who doesn’t cope well on no sleep, and the prospect of having night after sleepless night would probably send me into turmoil! How did you cope with those things? What was the loneliest part of having a newborn?

From the point of conception, until you die, there is a little 'voice' of concern/worry in the back of your head that changes your outlook on everything. What you worry about changes over the years but it's always there, mixed up with a zillion other emotions and other things you hadn't thought about 'pre' child(ren).

It is just 'different'

I will say though that it's completely amazing when they grow up and fuck off to uni.

Being 'selfish' is a wonderful thing because for most people they've put others wants/needs/desires ahead of even having a quiet shit for 2 decades.

@RainyAfternoon

That’s a valid point about “what now”. I suppose that I don’t really think what my life would be like when my future children grow up, as I am only just getting my head around the idea of having a baby!

I work with young children, so have a much clearer idea of what it’s like than I did, say, 5 years ago.

@BlingLoving I couldn't have put it better. Everything about your comment is so true!

I won't lie and say it wasn't hard Just. Do you have family and friends who live locally and would be supportive? I expect that would make a big difference but I didn't have that unfortunately.

Also would you be the first of your friends to have a baby? I found that the loneliest bit tbh, no-one who understood how I felt and they were all continuing their child free lives.

However it was only one year of my life and it was so so worth it as I am now healthy again and love having DS. I actually seem to enjoy parenting more than most people seem to. Part of that is probably relief at how much better things are than they were. I definitely have perspective now :)

Life changes totally in ways it's hard to imagine once you have children.

the toughest thing is being on duty 24/7. You never don't have children. They are always your responsibility. Especially when they are pre-school and pre-nursery age. You just are on duty non stop from 5am to whenever they go to bed. You don't have time to think your own thoughts. You have almost nothing in common anymore with friends who have no children. (Not saying you can't keep those friendships but the effort is enormous and you may not want to spend £30 on cocktails listening to them talking about boyfriend troubles when you are leaking milk and haven't slept more than two hours in a row of eight months.)

The upsides massively outweigh the tough times imo. Christmas becomes so much more fun. So do holidays. You get to experience all the best things of childhood again, from simple stuff like running under the sprinkler or eating ice pops to getting buried in the sand. Having bonfires, making pumpkin lanterns, dressing up, blowing out candles on a cake, treading a bedtime story, singing nursery rhymes. The utter excitement at seeing a train or a cat makes the world seem new again in such a lovely way. The cuddles are so cute. They find the oddest things funny or amazing.

There are so many variables on what kind of baby you get it’s probably best not to dwell too much if you can. You just have to live it.

The hardest bit of a having a baby for me was the complete isolation and nothing I thought I knew being true for me. I marvelled at mothers wandering round the shops with their babies fast asleep in their prams whilst it took me half the day to get us both out (between the endless cycle of feeding, crying never mind getting myself clean and dressed!) and that was with my dp’s help, forget it if it was just me for the first few months!

Circumstances vary so much and the most important thing you could do now is build a support network. Even that’s beyond your control truthfully. Dp and I had been together 10+ years and he wasn’t the support I’d thought he would be. Just because you know someone in one circumstance doesn’t mean they are that same person in another.

@EmrysAtticus

I don’t have many friends and relatives locally, no. My mum lives abroad. I have a sibling and friends elsewhere in the country - I may/may not live closer to them when the time comes! I can’t imagine being the first of my friends to have a baby. I’d like to have one when I’m around 27/28 (so in a good 3 or so years!) Like you, I only want one. That could all change, though!

I wouldn't let the baby stage put you off having a child as it doesn't last long. I survived and you would do too and you might even enjoy it!

I personally find that one DC enables me to enjoy the wonders of being a parent but keep it manageable. However plenty of people love having multiple DC. See how you feel after the first :)

Deal with the sleep by tag teaming with the father of the baby. It's unreasonable to have 1 person do it all. You'll find plenty of threads arguing over that idea.

Yes definitely get the father doing his share. When DS was a baby and I was on maternity leave DH would do the evening shift (7-12) while I headed to bed early and then we swapped at the weekend and he did the night wakings. DS was a truly awful sleeper however. Now we alternate lie ins at the weekend which is bliss :)

Your question is ridiculously naive. I thought I was having a baby. Turned out I was getting a life sentence with a side trip to Holland. I love them, wouldn't be without them. Miss them when I don't see them. They've shat all over the life I had before, but that's okay.

The more reasonable question would be "what bit of your life didn't change when you had children". I'd struggle to think of a single thing. Maybe it's that I still can't be arsed with birthdays and Christmas, but even so I now have to do them.

Nothing will ever be the same again.

Does Christmas become more exciting again? Do you have more fun with birthdays, holidays, etc?

Yes

Everything is just MORE than before.
You love more than you could have imagined before kids.
You worry more than you could think is ever possible.
Lots of things (birthdays, holidays, Christmas) are more fun.
More work.

Except the things that are less.
Less sleep
Less time
Less money

Having kids is a rollercoaster in so many ways, but it’s definitely worth the ride!!

What they all said ^^. I’d add, I now enjoy an hour of free time more than I’d ever enjoyed a free day pre-DD.

Can I be a voice of dissent and say the only reason why my kids were good was because I was ready for them and had done all the things I wanted to do so it kind of mitigated the loss of independence and self determination and could enjoy things ...