To not let DH’s exW hang out at my house?

[Orizontal]

This weekend DH will be away, we have his dc EOW and more than half the holidays. Our house is very much a home to them. This is not his weekend to have them. We live over an hour’s drive from exW.

The DSC have special events with their usual activities that bring them nearer to our house than exW’s this weekend but activities are at different times and places. ExW has asked if they can all (so her, the kids and I assume her DP) come back to ours to hang out between activities. This would be for 3-4 hours.

I’m not happy about this, nor is DH. ExW doesn’t seem to see the problem and now the kids are saying it’s not fair as this is their house and they should be allowed to invite who they want over.

Are DH and I BU to say no?

God no I would be saying the same thing! They can go for some food and entertain themselves for a few hours!

How old are the children?

That’d be a big fat no from me!

I have a very amicable relationship with my ex partner and would see no problem with this to support the children in their activities and help out. It depends on your relationship with them.

If you want the kids to feel like it's their home, I think it would be a nice gesture to let them invite people over even if you don't like those people. DH's ex refuses to let us even stand in the hallway of her house, even though the kids have asked if we can go inside to listen to them playing the piano, and it unsettles the children a lot to know that their mother feels so strongly about it.

As a one off I should have said not as a regular occurrence

Yadnbu to not want this however the dsc may make it tricky to say no
As for dsc how old are they?
Are they able to understand why you wouldn't want this?

It's up to you really as you'll be there without DH. Could you not have said you won't be there? I wouldnt fancy having to sit and make small talk with an ex and her partner for 3-4 hours so I'd just say it doesn't suit. As for the kids, surely they don't get to invite whoever they want to your house or their mother's house. They should have to ask and get permission as any kids would.

So but we are out that day.

Why would you say no? Do you not like her?
She is the children’s mother and I think it would be nice for them to see you all getting along.

If you say no, how would you explain it to the children?

Obviously there could be a back story here.

If things are amicable, and there’s no abuse involved, then this maybe should be possible as a one off, for the sake of the children. But if you do say no, I’d find an excuse rather than flat out I don’t want you in my house, to avoid friction.

Just say no it's not happening, it's not up to DSC to invite whoever they want to YOU AND DH house, they'll just have to make other arrangement's, plus its not you weekend to have them, tell them you have plan's

DSC are late tween and mid teen.

Relationship with ExDW is polite but strained and we don’t trust her after a number of previous issues. We offer a cup of tea after long journey, and make awkward small talk. When we first moved in a few years back the dc wanted to show her their bedrooms and we were ok with that but she hasn’t been beyond the kitchen since then.

It's up to you and you alone - so you can say "No". If the DSC are unhappy with your decision then tough. They will understand once they are adults and are around people whose divorced/separated parents openly hate each other.

Fire up the barbie and get a few tinnies in.
It's going to be hot, hot, hot Saturday.

Older DSC has a key to the house. I’m not sure they wouldn’t just let themselves in even if I said I wasn’t here.

With your update I'd definitely say no and perhaps explain that whilst you want them to feel like it's their home unfortunately that doesn't mean they can just invite who they want when they want without considering other people feelings

No. Things are strained. She shouldn't ask. Maintain boundaries if you want to maintain the relationship.

Children don't normally get to invite absolutely anyone they like. Especially if you're not in. I wonder whose idea it was.

Just say no if you're uncomfortable. The DSC don't get to dictate who comes in the house.

Omg sounds awful. I don’t even know why they would want to do that. I’d rather drive home, especially if it’s less than an hour away.

YANBU. I don't know of any kids who would be allowed to bring anyone they liked back to their parents' house.

In theory, I'd say yes no problem. It is their home and it should always be available to them. But I have never had to negotiate relationships with step DC and ex-wives so I don't really have the right to comment.

They are an hour north from us but the activities this weekend just happen to be in the city which is south of us. So I can see that driving back and forth to their house isn’t ideal. But glad to hear that most think we ANBU!

That’s actually hilarious
But on the plus side at least you know the kids are happy at your house

It's okay to say no. The kids are old enough to understand why it might be awkward, having to make conversation for 4 hours with your husband's ex wife. Yes it is the children's home, but it's also your home and they don't get to just invite anyone round without permission. You are the adult so you get final say - I bet their mum says no to things too.