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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DH’s exW hang out at my house?

112 replies

Orizontal · 25/06/2019 16:08

This weekend DH will be away, we have his dc EOW and more than half the holidays. Our house is very much a home to them. This is not his weekend to have them. We live over an hour’s drive from exW.

The DSC have special events with their usual activities that bring them nearer to our house than exW’s this weekend but activities are at different times and places. ExW has asked if they can all (so her, the kids and I assume her DP) come back to ours to hang out between activities. This would be for 3-4 hours.

I’m not happy about this, nor is DH. ExW doesn’t seem to see the problem and now the kids are saying it’s not fair as this is their house and they should be allowed to invite who they want over.

Are DH and I BU to say no?

OP posts:
RelaisBlu · 25/06/2019 16:57

Orizontal this is reminding me of an incident after my parents' divorce when I was about 11 and my step-mother gave me a lift back to my DM's house where I lived. I asked her in for a cup of tea (DM was not in) and after a small hesitation, she agreed. She didn't stay long and looking back now as an adult I imagine she was torn between feeling uncomfortable in case my DM suddenly returned and being curious to see the house. I was just trying to be polite because it seemed to matter terribly to get her to like me to please my Dad, but I can see I shouldn't really have done it because if DM had come back I don't think she would have liked finding her there.

Sorry all of this only vaguely relevant to your situation OP! The bit about the children feeling they should be allowed to invite whoever they want brought it to mind

LittleMissKickArse · 25/06/2019 16:57

I totally see where you’re coming from OP. And DP’s x was totally wrong to memtion to be DCs without checking.

However if you say “no” you’re telling your DSC that their own mother isn’t welcome in their own home. If they are old enough tomhave a key they are old enough to let in their mother and entertain her so you don’t have to.

If you don’t let this happen you’re going to create an awful lot of resentment and tension with your teenage DSC.

I think for the greater good you just need to suck it up.

Pinkmouse6 · 25/06/2019 16:58

That sounds awkward and horrid. Just say you’ll be out for the day. I know some people are really cool with their OH’s ex but I find it really weird.

Cherrysoup · 25/06/2019 16:58

Hell no! If dh if also saying no, of course not. It's not fair when relationships with the ex are strained. It's not your weekend to have them, they can entertain themselves going for a meal etc.

zippey · 25/06/2019 17:00

Yes I would do this as a one off. Why the hell wouldn’t you help your children at a time of need?

Iwantacookie · 25/06/2019 17:04

Oh see I can why you wouldn't feel comfortable with her in your house but for a situation like this I would agree on the pŕivision that dc entertained them.

BarbarianMum · 25/06/2019 17:04

If you think that your relationship with your stepchildren is going to be enhanced by making it clear how much you dislike their mother then go for it. Personally I'd have found that pretty difficult to deal with as a child but maybe they'll not mind too much.

pictish · 25/06/2019 17:04

I’d say yes. Can’t see the harm.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 25/06/2019 17:05

I'd say yes because that made me look good, and then set myself up for the afternoon in the kitchen with a book. Let's face it, if you leave the house then they will come in anyway and there will be snooping. This way you avoid the snooping and have the moral high ground - double win.

Original poster
Orizontal · 25/06/2019 17:05

Well the honest truth is that the DSC’s mum isn’t welcome in our house! She’s not my friend and I wouldn’t ask her round on her own. She just wants to use the house as a base rather than make a plan at a museum or cafe. She has form for manipulating the kids and not being straight with us and I don’t see why my weekend to myself should involve either having to entertain her / sitting awkwardly in another room while the dsc entertain / having to go out for the day when I had other plans.

Would I let the DSC hang out? If they wanted to come and see their dad they are always welcome. We get on well enough but they wouldn’t come over just to see me! They are not old or independent enough to come over on their own so that’s never come up.

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 25/06/2019 17:07

No way. Say no, and don’t get into too many detailed conversations about why. You aren’t comfortable with it, and thats the end of it.

Littlechocola · 25/06/2019 17:09

I would be uncomfortable but I would say yes for the children and to keep the peace.

Pinotjo · 25/06/2019 17:10

Yeah, let them hang out in your house, you could all sit around singing koombaya, not! Lol, no way would I do that, make an excuse that you're going out

diddl · 25/06/2019 17:12

I seemed to have missed that their father won't be there & they aren't bothered about seeing you without him.

So it sounds as if they are all just using you.

I'd say no.

Why should you have to go out/keep busy/hole yourself up because they cba to sort something out for a few hours?

RantyAnty · 25/06/2019 17:12

What is best for the DC?

They love their mum.

It's only 3-4 hours. It would be a good gesture and kind to the DC.

Have a BBQ and a few adult beverages. It might actually turn out to be nice if you let it.

NameChangeNugget · 25/06/2019 17:13

Absolute no from being. CFery of the highest order

pictish · 25/06/2019 17:14

Well it’s up to you. I’d say yes for the kids’ sake and to just generally be easy-ozie anyway. That’s without knowing the woman concerned of course.

whirlwinds · 25/06/2019 17:15

Going against the grain here, SM myself and have a weird relationship with OHs X-P. On one offs I have and will show leeway for this type of occasions. BBQ and sitting outside mentioned by previous poster is a great idea. I have found the kids do most of the talking and we all just stray away from anything that can be weird. Show grace may be a good thing this time around?

cuppycakey · 25/06/2019 17:16

YANBU

I would say no.

I would stay home just in case DSC do try their luck, and I would double lock the door so they cannot get in.

b0bb1n · 25/06/2019 17:17

I'm sorry but I think YABU a bit. It's a one off, I understand you wanting your weekend to yourself and you're not friends with her, but she is your step childrens mother and it wouldn't hurt to do a selfless act and do her a favour this once.

eeela · 25/06/2019 17:17

You're not being unreasonable AT ALL; it's your house and you don't have a good relationship with ExW so you have every right to say no!

But as a child of divorced parents, I see this from your DSC's perspective. When I was a teen, I would have loved for my parents to have had the kind of relationship where I could invite parent A into Parent B's house for an hour if needed. For me, my dad lived 20 min from my school so I stayed there during the week, and my mum lived 90 min away. When she would pick me up from school on a Friday, I wasn't even allowed to let my mum use the loo at what I considered to be "my" house and it wasn't the best feeling. As an adult, I'd hope both an ex and I could have a relationship where we trusted each other enough to allow short visits, and I'd do what I could to facilitate that just based on how I felt as a child. BUT I also know that's probably unrealistic.

Long story short YANBU! But I see why your DSC are upset (a win that it feels like "their" home though! That is NOT common)

HowDidItEndUpLikeThis · 25/06/2019 17:17

I think it totally depends on your relationship with the ex.

My first ex - I would say fine.

My second ex - over my dead body.

You don’t have to open up your home to anyone that you don’t want to be there for any reason.

It would be a no from me.

LonelyTiredandLow · 25/06/2019 17:18

Well if she isn't welcome, then you will have to say that and take the consequences. If you went out I suspect they'd let her in. If you have friends over you might be able to dodge it but I suspect the kids know you haven't planned this already and would be doing it deliberately.

I don't think you will save face with her or the kids easily taking the route of "not in my house!". But perhaps you do need to make this clear sooner rather than later? If you make it clear now it won't come up again and it does seem to terrify you.

Yesicancancan · 25/06/2019 17:22

I would def say no, it’s great you get on with the kids, but no, their happiness would not trump mine on this particular issue. It sounds like the idea has been put into their minds. I’d go out and leave a key in the lock so the step child’s key wouldn’t work.
You don’t need to upset anyone, just be busy. In time you may find things may improve but for now from what you have said, why be a door mat?

SavingSpaces2019 · 25/06/2019 17:23

She just wants to use the house as a base rather than make a plan at a museum or cafe....She has form for manipulating the kids
Don't set the precedent with her then or it will happen more regularly.

It's your home too - and your weekend to yourself.
So your wishes trump the kids.