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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let DH’s exW hang out at my house?

112 replies

Orizontal · 25/06/2019 16:08

This weekend DH will be away, we have his dc EOW and more than half the holidays. Our house is very much a home to them. This is not his weekend to have them. We live over an hour’s drive from exW.

The DSC have special events with their usual activities that bring them nearer to our house than exW’s this weekend but activities are at different times and places. ExW has asked if they can all (so her, the kids and I assume her DP) come back to ours to hang out between activities. This would be for 3-4 hours.

I’m not happy about this, nor is DH. ExW doesn’t seem to see the problem and now the kids are saying it’s not fair as this is their house and they should be allowed to invite who they want over.

Are DH and I BU to say no?

OP posts:

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 26/06/2019 11:59

Unless I thought she'd be rummaging I'd let them. It's a way for the kids to feel like the house is still their home when they're not there and I don't expect she'd feel super comfortable surrounded by all the pics of the pair of you or whatever anyway, it just makes practical sense.or she could drop them off and pop off to have a coffee or do a few errands elsewhere maybe as a compromise?

surroundedbyvulpices · 26/06/2019 12:04

It's a no from me. The DSC are old enough to understand that this isn't a reasonable request, and to be sensitive to the feelings of the adults in their lives.

But then I may be biased as my DH has the ex from hell and I have been known to call the police when she has so much as walked up our drive.

BarbedBloom · 26/06/2019 12:10

No, I wouldn't do this. It would be different if there was an amicable relationship, but there isn't. Aside from anything else, your DH doesn't want it to happen and he is their father as well.

It is the children's home too of course, but part of raising children imo involves teaching them that they have to consider other people when making decisions and the potential impact. Otherwise years later you can get those selfish partners who focus on what they want and that it is their house and that's that.

From what you have said this sounds like the ex knows you will say no and this is another power play to manipulate the children. Whatever you decide, the decision has to be communicated by your DH with him clearly saying he isn't happy with this, not using you as an excuse to say no

PutyourtoponTrevor · 26/06/2019 12:23

If your DH isn't happy with this either then he needs to say no

honeygirlz · 26/06/2019 12:25

Sounds like she is the type to look through your cupboards and drawers.

How can you prevent DSC from letting her in? Can you put a key in the lock?

Runningonempty84 · 26/06/2019 13:02

Know I'm in the minority, but I'd be fine with it. Think it sets a good example to the kids in terms of how to forge mature adult relationships.

You don't have to be her best mate to let her in and allow her to see the kids for a few hours.

Original poster

Orizontal · 26/06/2019 13:45

Thanks all for the many views, it’s always useful to see different viewpoints. Thank you also for the reassurance that it’s not beyond the pale to allow DSC to know there are some boundaries.

exDW and I (and DH and exDW) are not friends. We are not hostile. I feel that 30 mins with a cup of tea in the kitchen is my limit, 3-4 hours settling down for the afternoon in the living room is too much.

As for allow her to see the kids for a few hours - they live with her! If it was about them taking the opportunity to see DH on a weekend they wouldn’t usually I’d be all for it, would have suggested they get dropped to us while their DM goes shopping or that he met up with them in the city. But I don’t think I can play happy families without DH there and with a person who has not always behaved well towards me in the past. And if DH were here he definitely wouldn’t want to be spending his days off with his ex.

OP posts:

YouKidsKeepMeYoung · 26/06/2019 13:50

Fucking hell, @MitziK. I hope things are calm now.

dustarr73 · 26/06/2019 14:00

No i wouldnt let that happen.Why doesnt she take one child and her dp takes the other to their activities.That way they can stay home until its time for their own activity to happen.

magneticmumbles · 26/06/2019 14:16

Sorry, I've got company that day/important phone call/tradesman in/working from home/will be in and out running errands.

Binting · 26/06/2019 14:18

OP its perfectly ok to say no to visitors, even those you like it's your home and your weekend. I'm stressed on your behalf just contemplating the scenario.

MitziK · 26/06/2019 19:27

There have been a couple of other break in attempts, but as DD is at university and I have zero contact with the prick anymore, I have no idea whether they're related or just a normal common or garden scumbag having a go at the door.

Upgrade your locks, people - whoever is doing it, they've failed to get in every time - they've just caused damage.

Arseholes.

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