Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DH’s exW hang out at my house?

112 replies

Orizontal · 25/06/2019 16:08

This weekend DH will be away, we have his dc EOW and more than half the holidays. Our house is very much a home to them. This is not his weekend to have them. We live over an hour’s drive from exW.

The DSC have special events with their usual activities that bring them nearer to our house than exW’s this weekend but activities are at different times and places. ExW has asked if they can all (so her, the kids and I assume her DP) come back to ours to hang out between activities. This would be for 3-4 hours.

I’m not happy about this, nor is DH. ExW doesn’t seem to see the problem and now the kids are saying it’s not fair as this is their house and they should be allowed to invite who they want over.

Are DH and I BU to say no?

OP posts:
TheCatThatDanced · 25/06/2019 16:35

No, fuck that for a game of soldiers. suppose she snoops?

funinthesun19 · 25/06/2019 16:36

Fuck that. It’s their home yes but it’s also yours.

Has she heard of hotels?

TheCatThatDanced · 25/06/2019 16:36

oh is it with you there? even if you were there then no.

and the kids should understand that though they should be allowed to have whom they like over, if it's someone you don't like or disapprove of (apart from their DM) then it may be a no then.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 25/06/2019 16:37

It's not hard for them to kill a few hours in a city. They can go for something to eat, mooch around the shops etc.
I wouldn't lie and say you are out of they have a key. I'd just say that you don't feel comfortable with it.

makingmammaries · 25/06/2019 16:38

I'm going to go against the majority here, because it doesn't reflect that well on you to make them do all that extra driving. Get some snacks in and say they can hang out but unfortunately you will be busy. Then make yourself busy.

Howyiz · 25/06/2019 16:38

Just tell them that you have guests of your own this weekend otherwise it would be no problem.

TheCatThatDanced · 25/06/2019 16:38

as funinthesun19 says - point out to the DC that it's your home as well as theirs and ask what do they expect you to do whilst she's there, go out?! if they come back at you with a rude answer then you have a potential rude step children problem there.

get DH to back you up as it seems like he is already doing.

stucknoue · 25/06/2019 16:39

I think it's actually nice that they are comfortable with you and want to spend time, many ex w's don't like being in the same county!

Bookworm4 · 25/06/2019 16:40

Jeezo, no from me, an hour or so drive isn’t exactly the other side of the world. Her kids aren’t babies, they can easily pass a few hours eating out. Also DSC sounds pretty cheeky assuming they’ll get their own way.

Alsohuman · 25/06/2019 16:43

It wouldn’t bother me but then my divorce was pretty amicable.

funinthesun19 · 25/06/2019 16:44

Also, children don’t get to make rules and set boundaries. I might sound old fashioned in that way of thinking, but what children WANT they don’t always GET. And in this case they want their mum to “chill at yours”. Doesn’t mean they’re going to get it!

And just because she’s their mum/an exw doesn’t mean she gets a free pass in to your house/business.

Twillow · 25/06/2019 16:44

Well, it would be a good example to your children and DH's about amicable separation, depending how amicable you can all manage to be.

saraclara · 25/06/2019 16:44

I can understand the kids being confused or annoyed. They're just not going to understand the weirdness. They're equally comfortable with their mum, their dad, and you, and see this as their home.
in fact it's a good sign that they don't see the discomfort. It shows that the adults have been behaving well.

Quartz2208 · 25/06/2019 16:44

What makes you unhappy about this - you make her a cup of tea and it seems on paper a fairly reasonable request (particularly as the children will be hanging around for 3-4 hours which is difficult to manage). She has asked permission and the children want it.

You are perfectly reasonable to say no - but saying no is a statement going forward and will change dynamics between you and the ex and from the perspective of the children (why isnt their mum welcome).

You need to balance the effect of saying no over an awkward 3-4 hours in relation to the step children - events that you are all going to have to be together at may well increase as they get older

sevenoftwelve · 25/06/2019 16:45

Would your answer be different if it was just the kids wanting to hang out in their home on a non-scheduled weekend?

sevenoftwelve · 25/06/2019 16:47

saying no is a statement going forward and will change dynamics between you and the ex and from the perspective of the children

Exactly.

BlueJava · 25/06/2019 16:47

I'd say his ex has put the kids up to this. It would be a big, resounding "No!" from me.

PepsiLola · 25/06/2019 16:47

I'd just say "not this weekend I'm hosting friends and already have plans at the house sorry"

ChuckleBuckles · 25/06/2019 16:50

Any chance the kids will just let themselves and the mum into the house anyway OP? I would be hastily arranging visitors to your home for that afternoon, just in case.

Cloudyyy · 25/06/2019 16:51

This honestly wouldn’t bother me at all. It would be a nice and amicable gesture to say yes and surely you could just make yourself scarce for a bit of the day to break things up a little? It would be a one-off kind act from you that may end up fostering an easier relationship between the two sets of parents... win win!

diddl · 25/06/2019 16:52

What would they do if your house wouldn't be available, Op?

I'm guessing the same as most of us-lunch out, find somewhere to walk around/kill time!

If everyone got on Ok, fine-if not, no-they're just using you for their conveniece.

NTitled · 25/06/2019 16:52

I do have to juggle step children, exes etc - and I'd say yes, fine, whatever. It really, really wouldn't bother me, especially if the DSC are keen. And my divorce was not amicable - but that's not the children's fault. The adults have got to get over themselves and make life easier for everyone.

justthecat · 25/06/2019 16:55

Not a chance!

LonelyTiredandLow · 25/06/2019 16:56

It will only be a big issue if you let it be.
What worries you about having her over for 4hrs? That you won't be able to entertain her? From your posts I think you suggest you will be there, only might pretend not to be to stop her coming over? So, she won't be able to "snoop". Are you anxious around her for some reason? Personally I'd like the chance to show her I was above any petty niggles but I know some people don't like others in their homes. It comes down to how open you are with your home I suspect, assuming you aren't holding a grudge against her for something else.

81Byerley · 25/06/2019 16:56

Still friends with my ex, and have just got back from lunch with my husbands ex wife and her sister. I think it's good for the children to see you all together, being friendly.