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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let DH’s exW hang out at my house?

112 replies

Orizontal · 25/06/2019 16:08

This weekend DH will be away, we have his dc EOW and more than half the holidays. Our house is very much a home to them. This is not his weekend to have them. We live over an hour’s drive from exW.

The DSC have special events with their usual activities that bring them nearer to our house than exW’s this weekend but activities are at different times and places. ExW has asked if they can all (so her, the kids and I assume her DP) come back to ours to hang out between activities. This would be for 3-4 hours.

I’m not happy about this, nor is DH. ExW doesn’t seem to see the problem and now the kids are saying it’s not fair as this is their house and they should be allowed to invite who they want over.

Are DH and I BU to say no?

OP posts:
PickAChew · 25/06/2019 17:25

3-4 hours is the best part of an afternoon. They could go to the pictures and have pizza, in that time.

dragonway · 25/06/2019 17:25

YANBU. I’d just say “sorry, can’t do that. DH is away all weekend and I’ve got plans” then leave it at that. You aren’t a hotel.

Leeds2 · 25/06/2019 17:33

I wouldn't, and I suspect she is manipulating the DC to say that this is what they want to do. 3-4 hours isn't that long, if they go out for lunch and then do an activity/go to the cinema/go for a walk.

tinyvulture · 25/06/2019 17:34

Personally I would let her. Even if you aren’t her greatest fan, she’s the kids’ mum, and it’s their house too, so......

But, I realise I am speaking from the perspective of someone who gets on well with both her ex, and her new partner’s ex. There is no way I wouldn’t offer either of them house room - they could come and stay for the night if they wanted (as I am sure I could at their’s).

Even my ex’s new partner (who can’t stand me - she was the OW), I wouldn’t deny houseroom to - she’s a relatively important figure in my daughter’s life, so I would always grit my teeth and help her out in a pinch.

But you have to be guided by your and your DH’s feelings at the end of the day. Only you two know what has passed between you all, and how unforgivable you find it. Certainly, it won’t kill the kids to go out for lunch/cinema for the afternoon instead, if you find her presence in your house intolerable. Ultimately, YANBU. But are also in an unenviable situation. Must be tricky.......

MRex · 25/06/2019 17:36

Can you invite friends over? Then you can legitimately tell the kids that they really can't come because you have plans that were made with no kids in mind.

diddl · 25/06/2019 17:39

How would it benefit the kids to see their mum take the piss out of their stepmum because she cba to organise something to do with them for a few hrs?

Singlenotsingle · 25/06/2019 17:40

There must be a Harvesters or something similar where they can spend the afternoon?

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 25/06/2019 17:55

I would say no too, in the OP it says the Ex asked. It's not like it's been suggested by the children in the first place.

there's plenty to do in any city of a sunny afternoon, so let her get on with it.

Grumpos · 25/06/2019 17:57

Hah nope.
If you had a friendly amicable relationship to the point you did family events, shared christmases etc yes absolutely.
Where there already an element of unease and mistrust, absolutely not.
I think the kids are old enough to understand their parents are not bezzie mates and to manage their expectations - esp the older one. It’s sad but that is the reality of a lot of people’s lives.
Not a chance I would open my door to SC mum and when the kids are old enough DP will have to explain why there is no contact between their parents.
YANBU, kids should be the priority in most situations but not all.

AyBeeCee10 · 25/06/2019 17:57

Yanbu they can hang out at the coffee shop. It's your dsc home not hers. Dont feel bullied and guilted into this for the 'sake of the children'.

perfectstorm · 25/06/2019 18:03

If you could bear it, I think it would be a really, really kind thing to do for the sake of the children. Having divorced parents is bloody hard, and so is having to uproot your home every week and settle in somewhere else. This might help them connect the dots between both worlds in a way that could be a lot of comfort.

But you obviously matter as well, and if this would cause you massive stress, it's completely reasonable to refuse. I suppose only you can know whether the benefit to the kids is greater than the stress to yourself, or vice versa.

Howyiz · 25/06/2019 18:05

Just say no if you don't want to. If this is a special event for a regular activity there will likely be other kids /parents in the same boat. They can hang out together.

funinthesun19 · 25/06/2019 18:13

but she is your step childrens mother and it wouldn't hurt to do a selfless act and do her a favour this once.

The op doesn’t really owe her anything though.

RestingBitchFaced · 25/06/2019 18:19

You know if you say yes this time they will ask again don't you? Nip it in the bud now, and just say no, sorry it's not convenient

Snowy81 · 25/06/2019 18:51

I get along really well with both my ex’s and their partners, they’ll come in put the kettle on, make a snack etc (I do the same at theirs). So I’d see it as a time to have a good catch up and chin wag, and would enjoy it. But it depends on your relationship with her🤷🏻‍♀️.

IncrediblySadToo · 25/06/2019 18:59

Why the hell wouldn’t you help your children at a time of need?

Drama llama. ‘a time of need’🙄🙄🙄

If you don’t want her in your house, just say no. Mid tween & mid teen will not care.

You don’t have a c,one relationships withnher and she ‘has form’ she can do what the rest of us do and hang out at them park, Costa, restaurant etc. CHeeky cow.

NauseousMum · 25/06/2019 19:35

Say no, you've both had issues with his ex before. It's not fair on you. I'd say you already have guest popping over. Invite a friend for tea.

SandyY2K · 25/06/2019 19:53

Not saying I'd be happy with the situation, but if the SC withdraw from you and their dad following a refusal...would it really be worth it?

If I was the Ex, I wouldn't want to be in your house for that long either...maybe the kids engineered this.

Would it be possible for your OH to tell his Ex, he's not around this weekend and you're not comfortable with it....so perhaps she can take them for a meal and cinema to kill the time.

cabingirl · 25/06/2019 20:15

I'd be totally okay with but then I really like my stepkids Mum and her husband. We often hang out at family events and I even went away for a weekend with her and my MIL once. But even if I didn't like her as much as I do, I would want my step-kids to see how adults can all get along for their sake when necessary.

Lellikelly26 · 25/06/2019 20:18

My kids can’t just invite who they like round and nor should your SDCs
You could have invited friends or family round. It’s primarily your home and you absolutely have the right to decline. If you let yourself be railroaded into it you will end up resentful and that will just build

MitziK · 25/06/2019 22:08

I tried doing it with DD2's father.

He marched around, criticising everything about my house and how he was obviously paying too much maintenance (below the CMS level). So I didn't again.

Only to find that DD was letting him in whilst I was at work. He went through my wardrobe, drawers, bedside cabinet, messed up the bed and then emptied out my filing cabinet, finishing off by shaking up a can of fizzy orange and impaling it with a huge kitchen knife to a depth of two inches.

I changed the locks (which cost a fortune, as they weren't standard ones) and said if he ever set foot over the threshold again, I'd change it again and she would have to sit outside to wait for me to come home.

The result? Five attempted breakins, three more lock replacements.

And all because I let my boundaries slide in the interest of 'being nice'.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 25/06/2019 22:35

As @Lellikelly26 said, my DCs don't get free rein to invite who they like around, and if it's not convenient or i just don't want to, then I tell them no.

GabriellaMontez · 26/06/2019 08:20

I keep seeing versions of "I want to show them adults getting on, do it for their sake"

No thanks.

I want to show my kids how to set clear boundaries, not be walked over by cheeky fuckers. Have some self respect. Not be afraid to say "no", politely.

They can visit a gallery and go for a coffee. This really isn't a 'time of need'

InTheHeatofLisbon · 26/06/2019 08:26

but she is your step childrens mother and it wouldn't hurt to do a selfless act and do her a favour this once

OP doesn't owe her any favours, and she certainly doesn't owe her free rein in her home on her weekend off!

OP, YANBU at all. There is nothing stopping their mother making plans to kill time between activities. Like we all have to do without deciding that our ex's partner should have to give up a weekend off because we stamped our foot!

Ridiculous.

Weekends off are fucking sacred in my house, I only get one a month and it definitely, definitely isn't reserved for pandering to someone who could make other plans but would rather I was inconvenienced than her!

olivesnutsandcheese · 26/06/2019 11:53

Hell no.
I don't mind DSS's mum but theres no way I would host them on my own without DH for 3-4 hours.
A loo visit and quick cuppa is the very most.
Just say sorry it's not convenient this weekend as DH is away and you have friends coming over. (Then rapidly invite some friends over)

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