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AIBU?

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Original poster

Parents want inheritance back

862 replies

NeededtoNC · 25/06/2019 00:21

Ten years ago, my parents decided to gift me and my brother 100k each as early inheritance within the 7 year period.

With that I bought a house (with a mortgage). Still have 15 years left on the mortgage.

Now our parents want the inheritance back because they have decided they want to buy a summer home abroad.

DB is in a position to be able to as he’s well off.
However I am not and I’m barely able to keep up with the mortgage payments as it is.

In order to give back the money I’d need to sell. My parents are aware of this and have said that if I need help to pay rent, they’ll give it to me. But they want the lump sum in order to buy their holiday home.

AIBU to not give it to them?

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 25/06/2019 09:13

It seems bizarre that your parents made a sensible decision to pass on your inheritance early, and are now want to embark on something so financially suicidal.

Buying abroad has to one of the stupidest things to be doing in the current economic and political climate.

Having a second home is a real pain in the backside anyway, double the bills, double the maintenance headaches. Why can't they rent holidays homes, when they want, there are plenty to be had?

They/you will end up paying all the tax they have sought to avoid, and probably a whole lot more.

That's not even mentioning wanting you to give up your home and security!

I am astonished that your DB has gone along with this, he should have more sense, even if he can afford it.

Idontwanttotalk · 25/06/2019 09:13

Has there been an answer as to whether a Deedi of Gift was drawn up?

NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes · 25/06/2019 09:14

Over the last few years I've GIVEN my children over £40,000 in one way or another to help them to get their own house. Each time that money could have paid off a significant amount of our mortgage, the last lot could have nearly paid it off (very small mortgage now) Each time I GAVE them money I had to sign to say it was a gift and that I had no interest in their property.
Yes, I could have been mortgage free a few years ago but helping the kids was more important.
We've put clauses in our wills so that when we die it all equals out, that took a lot of time and money but they are all aware of the

Biker47 · 25/06/2019 09:14

I'd tell them to fuck off as well. Do not, under any circumstance sell your home, so that your parents can fund an unnecessary second holiday home.

TonTonMacoute · 25/06/2019 09:16

Have they got a financial advisor OP? They must have consulted someone about the original inheritance.

Can't you get them to take independent advice on this? Any proper expert would give this a big thumbs down.

GrassIsntGreener · 25/06/2019 09:16

I can't believe what I've just read! Shocking behaviour by the parents to expect the money back.

Guest8989 · 25/06/2019 09:16

Fuck right off , who even does that?!?!?

MzHz · 25/06/2019 09:20

Oh NeededtoNc, I just want to hug you so tight. You poor poor thing.

Agree with everyone here, you can tell them that you don’t have any money to gift to them, and you’re not going to sell your home to finance their whim. Suggest if Big Bollocks Brother wants to be a hero, he can give them the money, or buy something for them to use, but you’re not in a position to do anything.

At best, There is no paperwork in place to suggest this was anything other than a gift,

NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes · 25/06/2019 09:20

Sorry, pressed the wrong button! They are aware of the circumstances and how the division of any estate is to be done. All open and above board (unlike my parents will, but that's another story!)
I would under no circumstances ask for that money back, and certainly not for a holiday home. My girls (being their mother's daughters) would tell me to sod off!
Unless it was for life saving treatment or something your parents are unreasonable. Don't even entertain the idea.

prettywhiteguitar · 25/06/2019 09:20

I would say that you’ve had your house valued to sell and it’s depreciated in value so unfortunately you can’t sell.

Then grey rock them, they are completely unreasonable, unfortunately think it would be something my mum would pull.

Idontwanttotalk · 25/06/2019 09:21

My gut instinct tells me to say no to returning the money. I can't believe your parents are asking for this to buy a holiday home at the expense of you selling your home.

Seriously, is there something medically/ mentally wrong with them both?

I would just tell them that you've spent the money and, as it was a gift, it won't be returned to them.

The ball will then be in their court regarding your relationship. If they choose to go NC with you then it will be their loss.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 25/06/2019 09:22

It’s not your fault your parents lost money in a business deal.
They should be ashamed of themselves asking you to sell your home to fund a holiday home for them.

They will have a50% deposit from your dB, and he could get a mortgage for them.
At their age; they should just rent.

lululatetotheparty · 25/06/2019 09:22

Overmaars has a good explanation of how parental narcissism can play out including:

it sounds like they're narcissistic and narcissists tend to set up sibling rivalry

My parents (my mother in effect, my father does what he is told!) asked for a gift back from me years ago... I was in a position to pay it back so did (and the money went to help a sibling)... however as they get older there are more and more offers made and then retracted etc. etc. and it is all about control.

I have to have very clear boundaries around money with them and refuse to engage in conversations where they try to control me financially... and they do do this and have set up this dynamic.

My mother also placed herself at the centre of all dramas (still does...( which has created a poisonous situation with my sibling who just can't see the manipulation. DO NOT HAND IT BACK!!!!

ImogenTubbs · 25/06/2019 09:23

I am one of those people who thinks that adult children have no right to expect an inheritance or demand their aging parents spend responsibly to preserve their assets. But this is totally out of order of your parents. They already gifted you the money, they can't ask for it back! What a horrible situation they have put you in. I would be furious and devastated.

oldstudentmum · 25/06/2019 09:25

Been a long time but I used to work in mortgages but I have read a lot of mortgage offers.
I assuming you used the 100k as deposit for your house ok it was probably worded in the offer that this money was a gift and in no way repayable. Your solicitor would have to get proof as it’s part of condition of mortgage. Had it been a “loan” your parents would have a charge against your home however the lender would have declined the mortgage.
They are not being very nice perhaps you should ask for all the presents/gifts you have given them over the years .
If they are now saying it was a loan where is all the paperwork dated signed with a repayment by date. If your parents went before a judge for this money they would be laughed out

goodbyestranger · 25/06/2019 09:28

I'd be most upset about the fact that they're not concerned about the difficult position they're putting you in.

RantyAnty · 25/06/2019 09:29

This is beyond horrible.
If they didn't want a falling out, then they never would have suggested doing such a terrible thing to you. Their fault 100%

So they will have 2 homes, your up himself brother will have 1 and you will have 0. Disgusting.

I suspect the brother thinks of himself as the superior golden child coming to the rescue. I would just imply he should give them the entire $200k ...that is unless he can't afford it. Strongly implied by you that he couldn't afford it. He'll be giving the money over will bells on to prove he is the wonderful best child ever and how rich he is. Let him think that.

You'll still have your home.

huuskymam · 25/06/2019 09:31

Ask them would they like birthday and Christmas gifts back as well. Please don't even consider selling your home to fund their holiday home. Give them a straight no, you don't have it and can't raise it.

happyhillock · 25/06/2019 09:32

You don't ask for a gift back, you dont have it, just tell them, i wouldnt be selling my home etc to give the money back,
You shouldn't be feeling guilty for spending A GIFT, there being very unreasonable

OoohRhubarbLetsGo · 25/06/2019 09:35

Another no from me .

The mistake you’re all making is to consider this money as inheritance, so it’s being viewed as your parents’ money until they die. It isn’t because they are not dead.

They gave you a gift.

They are now trying to force you to sell your home to give an equivalent gift. You don’t have the money to give this gift. The money is yours.

The cause of any family fall-out has already happened. Your options are family fallout in a home bought using money that is morally and legally yours, or family fallout and homeless.

homeishere · 25/06/2019 09:37

You need to sit down with them and explain the reason why they can’t have the money.

Don’t get into tit-for-tat ‘I want this back’ etc arguments or play the ‘golden child’ card on your brother.

Just have an adult conversation around how the money is tied up in your property and that you’re not prepared to sacrifice your and your family’s security for the sake of a holiday home.

Besides, £100k could easily buy a little holiday somewhere in the EU, if they even want to do that with Brexit looming. Madness if you ask me.

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/06/2019 09:41

but then the logical (slightly mercenary!) side kicks in and thinks that if you pee them off now, you might lose out on more inheritance in the long run if they cut you out the rest of the Will

I wouldn’t bank on there being anything left so personally I would not entertain giving the money back.

They have made one dodgy investment with their money and lost, who is to say there won’t be others.

Also if they have to go into a nursing home for any length of time then you can wave goodbye to the rest

Either way your relationship with your parents is not going to survive.

If you don’t give the gift back they won’t speak to you.

If you do give the gift back you will end up resenting them every month when your rent is to be paid.
There will also be a dynamic whereby they know they can do and say anything because you will be beholden to them for your share of what is left of their money.

If it means keeping your home and going NC with your parents (we can only hope they realise the enormity and consequences of what they ask of you and come to their senses) then I would take my chances on my own.

No way would I be selling my home, having to pay for the privilege through estate agents fees, legal fees, moving costs and finding deposit on a rental flat and to put myself in a rented place to fund another hair brained scheme to the tune of £100,000.

3luckystars · 25/06/2019 09:45

How would you feel if you sold your home and gave the money back and found out that your brother did not give them anything back? That could be happening.
You have no contact so could be being lied to.

No way. End of story.

Just keep shaking your head and if they keep bringing it up then keep away from them.

They can't get it back from their lost investments and they can't get it back from you. It's gone. Good luck.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/06/2019 09:46

Are you sure that your brother is actually giving his money back? My parents are like this and they would absolutely pretend that they were asking all of us, but only take it from me.

Either way, I would keep the money and lose the parents. The cruelty and selfishness in expecting you to give up your home and security so that they can have nicer/longer holidays is beyond my understanding. I can't imagine thinking that my own child would just have to sell their home to give me the money to have a huge and expensive luxury.

Do you think that they don't understand how stressful this is for you, or do they just not care?

Oliversmumsarmy · 25/06/2019 09:46

Remember this is your money.

Your parents might think it is theirs but it isn’t. They gave it to you no strings attached.

Are you sure your dB isn’t just wise to their exploits and didn’t use the money because he knew some day they would ask for it back.
I know my dm pulled stunts like this to the point I refused to take anything off her as it wasn’t really a gift but a form of control.