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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents want inheritance back

862 replies

NeededtoNC · 25/06/2019 00:21

Ten years ago, my parents decided to gift me and my brother 100k each as early inheritance within the 7 year period.

With that I bought a house (with a mortgage). Still have 15 years left on the mortgage.

Now our parents want the inheritance back because they have decided they want to buy a summer home abroad.

DB is in a position to be able to as he’s well off.
However I am not and I’m barely able to keep up with the mortgage payments as it is.

In order to give back the money I’d need to sell. My parents are aware of this and have said that if I need help to pay rent, they’ll give it to me. But they want the lump sum in order to buy their holiday home.

AIBU to not give it to them?

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/06/2019 07:59

There's a special place in hell for people like your parents.

Don't sell your home.

They gave the money away and it's not like they need it.

Yeahnahmum · 25/06/2019 07:59

What a sad situation to be put in. By your own parents Sad...
Hope you feel strong enough to say sorry but i simply can't do that. And don't fall out over it.

Sorry but your parents made a horribly bad decision here Flowers

MrsBertBibby · 25/06/2019 08:02

OP this thread is a good contender for a tabloid swipe.

NeverTwerkNaked · 25/06/2019 08:02

Don't sell you house. No decent loving parents would expect that of their children.

I am sorry they are putting you under such horrible pressure though!

Accountant222 · 25/06/2019 08:06

Can they do equity release on the property they currently live in.

Inheritance is such an unknown quantity, I know of people in their forties and fifties who have drifted from job to job, always rented property, awaiting the payday when Mum and Dad pop their clogs. Nothing is guaranteed in life, care home fee's are massive and you could end up with nothing.

HerculePoirotsGreyCells · 25/06/2019 08:07

YANBU

So they want you to sell your home so that they can have a second one? No, no and no.

They can find something with the money your brother is happy to give. If he's that well off perhaps he is able to give more and they pay him back in the rent they suggested they could give you.

Do not sell your home op, they are incredibly selfish to think you can. I am constantly astounded by the stories I read here. Shocked doesn't even cover it.

2beautifulbabs · 25/06/2019 08:08

Wow what horrible parents op seriously why would you do that to your own children was you and your DB ever lead to believe it was inheritance or was there mention of loan instead?

But that is truly shocking if you and your DB were lead to believe it was your money to have and do with as you pleased seriously I don't think I could ever do that to my own children specially if one was struggling I'd never want to put them in a financial state just because I wanted a not so needed holiday home abroad

Cwtches123 · 25/06/2019 08:09

What a horrible situation for you! Your parents are being cruel and selfish. They can't take back a gift because they have since made bad financial decisions!
Your relationship with your parents will never recover from this whatever you do, so do what is best for your family.
This is so sad!

Seapoint2002 · 25/06/2019 08:09

Could your brother give them more than £100k and you pay him rent or parents pay him rent for the extra he has had to give?

HerculePoirotsGreyCells · 25/06/2019 08:09

Oh and any business investments that have failed are theirs and theirs alone. Its not your fault they now don't have the money. That's the risk they took.

Silenttype · 25/06/2019 08:09

I asumme they can't physically force you to sell you're home? You don't physically have the money to give back. You can physically tell them to take a running jump. At this point i wouldn't be bothered about further damaging a relationship they've already weakend.

Gakaxycounters · 25/06/2019 08:09

OP are you there? No from me too.

Birdie6 · 25/06/2019 08:11

Their suggestion that "you'll get it back eventually" is far from true. They could easily live for another 20-30 years , and if they need aged care their assets would be eaten up with the fees. You'd end up with nothing. What they gave you wasn't an "inheritance", since they were not deceased - it was a gift and they just gave it a fancy name . Gifts don't have to be returned .

If they think it's OK for you to rent, suggest to them that they might like to rent in Spain instead .

NurseButtercup · 25/06/2019 08:11

My response would be:

"Hahahaha"

That's the only response they deserve.
I wouldn't even bother to utter any words to formulate sentences to that request. Especially because they know your financial situation.

So each time they ask or if they send your brother to ask my response would be the same:

"Hahahaha haha" and then put the phone down or walk away if you are in their company.

Whitney168 · 25/06/2019 08:13

If they will cover your rent I don’t see the problem.

And what when they go back on their word on that too?

FenellaMaxwell · 25/06/2019 08:14

Do NOT sell your home. There’s nothing to stop them leaving everything to your brother once they die, there’s no guarantee that you will ever get the money back.

If you want to keep the peace, you could put your house on the market, and it could conveniently not sell for a very long time.....

SittingAround1 · 25/06/2019 08:14

YANBU, I'm another person saying do NOT sell your home.
I think I'd write something along the lines :

Dear mum and dad,

I am unable to return your kind gift of £100 000. I have used the money to provide me and my family with a home and much needed security. I am just about managing with the mortgage repayments as it is and I fear I wouldn't be able to cope with any negative changes to our financial situation.
Yours lovingly

marfisa · 25/06/2019 08:16

Your parents sound awful OP and so does your brother.

You're not responsible for their bad financial decisions. A gift is a gift.

If they were struggling to make ends meet then you might have an ethical obligation to help them out, but a holiday home is a luxury as people have said!

Don't give up your home (a necessity) for their luxury.

TatianaLarina · 25/06/2019 08:21

OP is there any reason why they can’t take equity release? That’s what senior citizens do instead of a regular mortgage. It’s essentially a lifetime mortgage - releasing a lump sum of equity from their home.

Overmaars · 25/06/2019 08:23

Completely and utterly ignore any posters who say to put it on the market and ignore offers or to say that you will try to raise the funds. You don't want to say or do anything that implies you DO owe them the money or you intend to pay them back. It could affect your legal position going forward and in any case will encourage their sense of entitlement.

Just say no, we cannot pay you £100k (do not say pay back because it wasn't a loan). We cannot jeopardise our security for a future payout that may not happen. DB is in a different financial situation. Maybe he could loan you the other £100k and get more inheritance when the time comes.

Property abroad is notoriously difficult. We are trying to sell my father's property and it causes all sorts of problems: getting power of attorney to sell it, additional tax issues, problems with overseas buyers, overseas estate agents, specialist lawyers in the UK and in Spain. It's a nightmare and he'll probably not be left with much when it's sold. He's too old to deal with it.

I agree they should get long term let's rather than buy a place. There is no guarantee that holiday homes abroad will increase in value (it is not like UK property) and because of all the additional costs, it may be a financially better decision not to buy abroad for them as well as for you.

You clearly have been brainwashed by them over your lifetime that their needs come before yours (v sad that parents do this, it should be the other way around. THEY chose to have you, after all). But it's time to stand up to them. Their only weapons are guilt and fear of losing them. You can learn not to be manipulated by guilt and if they really want to see you homeless, would it be such a loss?

So sorry they're like this. Btw, it sounds like they're narcissistic and narcissists tend to set up sibling rivalry. Which might well be why your brother doesn't want to know you. He's probably been set up to believe he's the golden child and you're the scapegoat. Read up about it, it's enlightening!

Millie2018 · 25/06/2019 08:26

I agree with the poster who said get wealthy DB to give them an additional £100k from his funds. Then when they pass away agree that he gets an extra £100k from anything that’s left.
Sounds a bit callous, but solves the issue.
For me it would depend how strong the relationship with my parents was. To be fair, the lengths you would need to go to to raise that money would probably result in so much anger and resentment that it would likely end the relationship anyway.

TatianaLarina · 25/06/2019 08:26

I have to agree about property abroad. Your parents likely have no idea how much hassle it is. So much hassle. Plus property in Europe can take years to sell, literally.

LoeweHammockBuyItDoIt · 25/06/2019 08:31

I agree with all of the posters saying that you have to say no.

You structure your whole life and finances on the basis that it was a GIFT. You cannot facilitate this 180 degree turnaround now. I'd say it makes you sad that they now regret the gift but it was a gift and you cannot accommodate their regrets. As for your brother, nice that he can just do what they want but that puts less FINANCIAL pressure on you. YOu cannot control anybody's perception of you now. Hold firm.

LoeweHammockBuyItDoIt · 25/06/2019 08:32

PS, if they fall out with you/don't speak to you/act disapproving of you because you couldn't dig out the money and hand it back over to them, they are very very unreasonable so withdraw from them if they behave like that.

zafferana · 25/06/2019 08:32

I'm not often speechless, but this post has rendered me thus.

They want you to SELL YOUR HOME SO THEY CAN BUY A SECOND ONE FOR HOLIDAYS???? A home that you bought with money that they gave you 10 years ago AS A GIFT??????

Quite honestly, I'd tell them to fuck off. They don't give a flying fuck about you if they'd do this, so I'd return the favour. You don't have £100k to give them, because you spent on buying a home. Bully for your DB if he can just hand it back - presumably he never needed it in the first place - but you did and you had every right to spend the money you were given AS A GIFT. You don't ask for gifts back. That's not how it works.

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