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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel envious of people that can afford holidays?

691 replies

Ella1980 · 24/06/2019 19:45

I'm a full-time TA and my fiancé works in social care ft. Just feel so sad that we can't afford to take the kids away. Ex earns £105k+ pa so at least they'll get a holiday with him. Anybody else in a similar position? It just feels so unfair but I feel selfish for feeling jealous of not getting a break with the family 😢

OP posts:
Ella1980 · 24/06/2019 22:56

@FamilyOfAliens I hadn't mentioned it, no. But a decade of horrific abuse from an ex to lose everything (and I mean everything) except literally the clothes on your back did have somewhat of a devastating impact on my MH.

OP posts:
IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 24/06/2019 22:57

"That’s sad to hear, but the OP hasn’t said she’s suicidal or has depression, so it’s not really relevant here. She’s just pissed off her ex is wealthy and she can’t afford the holiday she’d like."

Where did I say she was in the same circumstances? I meant that everyone has struggles and that you can't just judge based on your own life experience. The OP said teaching stresses her so she can't do it.

"She’s had lots of suggestions but really just wants a rant. Which is fine, but frustrating for people who are making helpful suggestions."

Do you never just want to moan and "helpful" people go "why don't you try this? Or this? Or that?" and get annoyed? people on here talk about their husband doing that all the time and they always get loads of sympathy. There is nothing wrong with wanting to destress by moaning sometimes. It doesn't always need to be about improving our life every single moment. Sometimes we are just in survival mode and that's fine.

skybluee · 24/06/2019 22:57

One thing that's helped me when it comes to saving money is to drink only water. So say take two months and don't have tea, coffee, soft drinks, fizzy can drinks, alcohol, anything like that. Then save the money you would've spent. It's a good way of getting a few pounds.

I'd start small so say look at 2 nights away in a Travelodge, in a location in England or Wales. In advance, trains can be booked up with big savings - for example I went to London for £7.50 on Virgin trains, when if you turn up on the day it's £50. Have your spending money to be what you'd normally spend but maybe with one meal out. If you chose the right places you can get main meals for £5.

It might take ages to save up for this, but it's a good goal if it's what you want. I went to Rhyl on holiday for less than £100. I have happy memories of it. All the things I did were free or cheap really like the beach and (back then when my health was good) walking around and then going to a cafe. But it was a holiday. It seems like it is really important to you, so I'd try to work towards it. Yes, the situation really sucks with not being able to afford one.

One thing that might help is use an energy switcher. In May, a lot of people got switched to standard tarifs as their contracts ended and it's been one of the biggest increases in recent history. Gas and electricity is an area you can potentially save a lot on. Or things like look into your toilets - 30% of water bill is usually flushing. If they're not dual flush look at one of those water savers/brick things, which can save quite a lot per year. Shower heads that save £s per year. LED lights - some of them are around 10% of the electricity in old fashioned incandescent lights. See if you're on the cheapest tarif for internet. With mobile phones, look into SIM only contracts. I went to SIM only and when I've worked it out over a 2 year period, I've saved hundreds. Really, hundreds. Yes I have a shit handset but at least I'm not paying £40 a month. Can you shop in a different supermarket and make savings there? Or get all household items/cleaning products in somewhere like Poundland. I've made mad savings sometimes like I found a baby soap for 35p so use that instead of the one I had before that was over £1. And I found 10 washing up sponges for 40p when before I was buying 2 for £1. Buy in bulk when an offer is on - e.g. if you see something half price, look at when they expire, and get a lot of them, even if it's a lot of money you save long term.

Good luck and I hope you get what you want.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 24/06/2019 22:58

"Did you not see my link to the free online CBT service?"

No, sorry I don't scour threads looking for your "helpful" advice passive aggressive hmm face.

FamilyOfAliens · 24/06/2019 22:59

Do you never just want to moan and "helpful" people go "why don't you try this? Or this? Or that?" and get annoyed?

The OP hasn’t said she’s annoyed or asked people to stop giving her helpful suggestions.

FamilyOfAliens · 24/06/2019 23:00

No, sorry I don't scour threads looking for your "helpful" advice passive aggressive hmm face.

It’s on the same page as my post about CBT. Not on a different thread.

skybluee · 24/06/2019 23:00

And re suggestions, people make them because they read someone being unhappy and they really want to help. It's obvious she really wants a holiday and wants to change the situation. So if people can say anything that might make the smallest difference, they will, so there's a hope of changing the situation, imagine how she would feel if she got her holiday.

madcatladyforever · 24/06/2019 23:00

I haven't been on holiday for three years as money has been tight and I have an 18 year old cat that is sick and needs pills everyday and a lot of care.
But I live on a national park and I'm not really bothered about going on holiday.
I'd just worry about the cat the whole time.

FancyACarrot · 24/06/2019 23:07

lots of great ideas in how to use your degree in other ways OP, hopefully some have inspired you. Working for the LA as SEN related things sound ideal, part time or supply teaching part time, marking, SEN childminding/holiday service/ Bi-weekly tutoring.
I think the free online CBT would be good for you.

I also do what the previous poster said with skyscanner and air bnb, I did 4 x short trips last year in Europe / Scandanavia (3 were less that £30 and 1 x £50 return) then a cheap air bnb, only went for a couple of days so not much spending money needed but still feel like you get away. Camping near water is great fun - kids would love it and it can be so cheap.

It sounds like other things are holding you back, a referral to IAPT (counselling) via GP and the CBT can help you identify these and help motivate you to make positive changes for the future.

Try and use everyone's post as inspiration/motivation to change your future.

But in answer to you question YANBU, completely understand it, have been there and come out the other side, you will too but the change needs to start with you Flowers

aPengTing · 24/06/2019 23:07

The suggestions are because it’s a sad situation. The op is not in an impossible position to improve her household income but yet neither she or her partner will do anything about it despite being desperate for a holiday.
She’s missing out on that family holiday because she’s so focused on her ex.

Ella1980 · 24/06/2019 23:07

I am really grateful to everyone who has given suggestions, I know my situation isn't "the norm" with the 50:50 forced split etc.

I wish "getting a better paid job" was really just as easy as some people believe it to be! I know that rather than dwelling in the negatives I need to try and see how far I've come. I left with 69p in my account five years ago, no home and one set of clothes!! I guess we're doing OK. It hurts the most that I don't have one baby photo of either of my children but they're "joint assets". Apparently.

I still have horrifically dark days but counselling has helped a bit. I still carry guilt for leaving my ex because of the financial impact but I'll listen to advice on here and look into holiday work etc 😊 I'll get there fingers crossed...

OP posts:
gluteustothemaximus · 24/06/2019 23:08

Holidays are stupidly expensive and can be crap.

Staycations? Day trips? The sun do cheap holidays and days out.

This country is shit for affordable holidays. Hoseasons in summer for a crappy caravan is still stupidly expensive. And a nice place could be £1500 for the week. No chance.

Whyhaveidonethis · 24/06/2019 23:09

@Ella1980 I was also in an abusive relationship, my ex tried to kick my unborn child out of me. He raped me. He didn't see or pay a penny of child support for over 9 years. I left him and went into a refuge. I was a single parent with no qualifications and no career. I built my life back up, I went to university part time whilst working full time with a DC. I went for every promotion given. I took every opportunity going.

I now own my own house, and go on 3-4 holidays a year. I have a full time job and 3 part time jobs. I do this so I can go on holiday and take my now 3 DC away. I'm again a single parent and I revive £6 a week in child support from my ds1 father and nothing from the other twos DC's dad. Instead he looks after them 50% of the time.

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you seem a bit like you just want people to feel as sorry for you as you feel for yourself.

Holidays cost as little or as much as you want them to. I take the kids to Eurocamp in France or Holland in the May half term. It costs less than £150 for a week plus the fuel to drive there.

Honestly, if you really wanted to, you could.

Overoptimistix · 24/06/2019 23:10

Have you looked at exam marking? I'm a primary school teacher and mark for the SATs, it's about 4 weeks work around your normal job and pays enough to cover a frugal holiday! There are always a lot of ex and retired teachers when I go to the training day.

FancyACarrot · 24/06/2019 23:10

Eurocamp is great if you book late, the other year I booked in Feb - got it for £150 (a week's camping in Switzerland), it was truly amazing. More like glamping really! Got silly price flights on sky scanner.

Ravenesque · 24/06/2019 23:11

@IAmAlwaysLikeThis, innit though and then get cross because immediately changing her whole career and suddenly having loads of money to spare is utterly simple and doable.

I physically can't work for a variety of reasons and that's unlikely to change so I'm jealous of friends'abilities to zoom of somewhere and happy for them that they can. A decent holiday for one can be expensive enough but with children as well it gets a lot more. C'est la vie.

OP, I don't think you're defeatist your situation is just difficult. You say you love your job, however, so that's a real plus. Many people have far higher paying jobs that they don't really enjoy and that can be really stressful so the payoff for the extra money is having to spend it on holidays or burn out. I really wish you could find a way to go on holiday but I'm also chuffed for you that you have a job that gives you pleasure. Smile

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 24/06/2019 23:12

@FenellaVelour I used to be a social worker, that's the going rate in my area, more for agency and £40k plus for senior , child protection obviously.

Ella1980 · 24/06/2019 23:13

Thanks all. We can't go abroad due to eldest anxiety of flying but will start to look at a few days or something in the UK for October 😊

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 24/06/2019 23:13

innit though and then get cross because immediately changing her whole career and suddenly having loads of money to spare is utterly simple and doable.

Yeah, loads of people have suggested that on this thread. Wait, no they haven’t.

aPengTing · 24/06/2019 23:19

You could take a train, car or boat to travel abroad.

You work with SEN children and enjoy it. Have you looked into PA work for SEN children during he holidays? Usually 2 or 3 days per week where you take the burden off the parents for a few hours. It sounds like you’d be very suited to it.

snop · 24/06/2019 23:20

Would you not be able to save up? we are going for 10 days in August in an apartment in Spain with car hire and flights it has cost £1500. I know it's still a lot of money but it's loads cheaper than a package holiday we are a family of 5 too, Ryanair flights Confused and apartment booked through holiday lettings.

scubadive · 24/06/2019 23:21

What about camping. You can get tents really cheap now, Tesco, millets etc and some camp sites really quite cheap per night. The children would love it. Re earnings you would earn much more working part time 21/2 days per week teaching than a full time TA, wouldn’t that be doable, less financial stress then too.

GibbonLover · 24/06/2019 23:21

*skybluee8 gives some great advice - look at where you can make savings. £land, Home Bargains and B&M are great value, I don't know if you drink/smoke but if you do then quit (try vaping, it got me off the stinkers!). Have a look at the MoneySavingExpert website for help and ideas, there are plenty of people in the same boat there.

scubadive · 24/06/2019 23:21

Teaching part time!

Ella1980 · 24/06/2019 23:22

I do regret going into teaching, a lot of primary teachers would agree. As an M6 and with budgets as they are in schools I am hugely outnumbered by NQT's. Ft jobs are very hard for experienced teachers to get, let alone a pt one!! I don't really want to return to 10+ hour days either if I'm honest!

As someone said before, I do love my SEN TA job. The pay is terrible but at least I actually get to spend time with kids! I just get frustrated at my financial situation sometimes, especially with a low earning fiancé too.

OP posts: