to refuse to send our DD in a school trip with the girl that bullied her?

[ineedaholiday2]

HI all,

Our daughter was bullied by a couple of other girls in her class last year. She has been in therapy since we found out, having very low self esteem and even entertaining suicidal thoughts. The headteacher spoke with the other girls back then and and while things have gotten better, they are nowhere close to be ‘friends’. Our daughter is still in therapy, battling depression and anxiety on a daily basis.

Now their class are going on the final school trip for a week without parents, and their teachers have put our daughter in the same room as one of the girls who bullied her. We think this is extremely irresponsible, and couldn’t believe it when they told us. Their reasoning is that there haven’t been any issues between We will not let her go on this trip if they don’t change her room, even though we have already payed around £300 for it and she will be heartbroken to have to stay while the whole class goes away. The whole thing just seems so unfair to her and insensitive from the adults.

Please tell me if there is anything we can do to protest if they dont’ change their minds, anything at all we can do. This is a primary state school.

Thanks in advance

I think that in this case the OP's DD's needs trump those of any other child. I don't think that the possible 'unhappiness/objection' from others should be seen as equivalent to the DD's 'unhappiness' which clearly runs much much deeper.

Just curious, but how did the school deal with the original bullying? Surely physical violence, kicking and strangulation amount to assault and should have resulted in some pretty severe outcomes. Did you ever consider reaching out to other authorities?

Just in case this is of any use to you.

www.bullying.co.uk/bullying-at-school/advice-on-contacting-your-child-s-school-about-bullying/

This happened to us, ds1 was put in the same room as a boy who had systematically bullied him and beaten him up. We asked for one of them to be moved. The school weren't happy and tried to argue that there was no way they could move the other boy, as there were other pupils who also didn't want to be with him and his parents were upset! We were very insistent and pointed out that the school had failed to safeguard our ds on a number of occasions resulting in him being hurt, missing school etc and the other boy's parents' feelings weren't our problem. They did move him in the end but we had to be very persistent about it.

I hope you stick to your guns on this, there is no way your dd should have to miss out OR be stuck in a room with her bully.

This happened to me many moons ago. My Y6 teacher thought it would be a good idea for me to share a tent with my bully on a residential. Two nights of hell. I wouldn’t let her go if they refuse to swap her.

OP, I would write this. I hope it helps:

"[Name of head], just to follow on this, and re-reading your email, I am shocked that you are unable to see the gravity of the situation. Please clarify how a child that has been bullied will have a great time whilst being in close encounters with the very person that has bullied her? This trip is for enjoyment, not for a child to feel terrified and anxious.

I understand that there were different teachers last year, and that all new staff may not be aware of the situation, but you have full knowledge of everything that our daughter went through. You are fully aware that she is suffering with depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide. Whilst she may do her best to keep on appearances in school, she is still struggling internally.

Since finding out that she will be sharing a room with [bully], her anxiety has worsened and she is in a state of fear. Please clarify to me how you in the position that you are, and the duty of care you have for the children can justify this decision at all? We as her parents will not allow this, and we are failing to understand your acceptance of the situation.

The school is neglecting our daughter's welfare by not taking this matter seriously. If you insist on not changing her we will have no option but to take our appeal further to the next stage. This will include a complaint to the governors, our local authority and Ofsted. I am sure they will understand that there is a failure of safe guarding a vulnerable child here and will act appropriately.

In order to resolve this situation we are requesting:

1. That she is not put in the same bedroom as [bully] or in the same activity group during the school journey.

2. That all adults on the trip are informed of the situation so that they can keep an eye on things to ensure the well-being of our daughter.

Should you still refuse to reconsider, other than taking this up with the relevant authorities, I will be excluding my daughter from the trip and will request a full refund.

I sincerely hope that you do reconsider and act in accordingly.

I am happy to discuss this with you further and also with the staff that will be attending the trip.

I look forward to your response.

With regards,

Oops, sentence correction

I sincerely hope that you do reconsider and act accordingly.

That's what it should say.

It's not harsh, they need to understand the seriousness of this situation. Happy to help you further if need be. Best of luck OP.

OP I’m so sorry your dd is going through this. I too was bullied by several girls from school. I would be terrified, pretend I was unwell, so I didn’t have to go to school. On several occasions I actually left school before the bell to go in, and went to my grandparents home. One day I tried it and they weren’t there, so I had to go home. As I was walking up the road my neighbour came out and asked why I wasn’t in school, I burst in to tears and told her. She came in to see my mum, and my mum took me back to school at lunch time. My mum went in and I stayed in the yard- being threatened by them not to say anything. I then got put in a room with a bully on a school trip too.

Ironically 30 years later, I’m now Facebook friends, been out for drinks etc with them all. But I still hate them. They started my anxiety, and it’s never gone. Please please please don’t send her. I know I am projecting my feelings, but I felt sick reading your post, I know what that feeling is like, being away from home and in a room with someone calling you names, talking about you etc, and you can’t get away. 🤗big hug for your dd

opionatedcyborg n ot a good idea. They won't want to take a child who is so anxious she is suicidal.
P

I’m presuming she’s not in class with them now? If this all happened in the last school year (so then yr5 now yr6) do the school think no bullying will happen on trip maybe not realising the full impact on your dd with anxiety suicidal thoughts etc

Hi OP I hope all these messages of support are giving you some comfort. Such a stressful time for you and your DD. If the head was aware of how badly affected your dd was by the bullying then surely this detail should have been passed on to any new teachers in contact with your child. We've had to let dd school know about issues at home with her brother. They have been very supportive and teachers who have lessons with her have been made aware by her year head, as it has made her very anxious. Based on the impact the bullying has had on your daughter your request for her to not share a room with her bully is totally understandable and reasonable. The attitude of the head and the school is bizarre

If it is her and 2 other friends and it's the bully that's the odd one out then it may well be that there are no issues. They may even get along. A lot of bullying occurs because people are weak and go along with it.

Talk to your daughter again, ask who she wants to share with and if they want to share with her and have that ready as a suggestion

I know at my kids school.they had to list 2 or 3 they wanted to share with and could put down one person they didnt. My kids were easy going so didnt fill.in the last option but I know some who did and they werent placed with them.

Out of interest what is the relationship lihe between your dd and the bullies beware they in the same class still??

To play devil's advocate perhaps they feel you are continuing to villify this little girl long after the issues have been resolved. If your dd is ok with it at school, maybe she is playing up to you at home?

*To play devil's advocate perhaps they feel you are continuing to villify this little girl long after the issues have been resolved. If your dd is ok with it at school, maybe she is playing up to you at home?g

To be fair it would probably take more than a year before I felt safe sharing sleeping space with someone who had strangled me. This isn’t a girl who just called the Op’s daughter “stinky poo poo”. This is a girl that strangled her.

If she was ‘playing it up’ don’t you think her therapist might have expressed that opinion to her parent. Extraordinarily insensitive way to talk about a child with MH issues that you do not know.

OP how is it going with the head?

OP have you had a resolution yet ?

I think a year at that age is a long time, added to which your dc sees this girl every day at school ie 200 ish times since the bullying without incident.
Taking children that young away on a residential is a huge responsibility and they are very closely supervised.
But at the end of the day your dd should choose.

think DD needs to have a fresh start at a new school.
She only has 3 or 4 weeks of primary may left!